DH depression

[Lovethyselff]

My DH has suffered with depression for years, in the past he went on antidepressants and they were amazing for him, his mood completely changed but then he came off them due to migraines and refused to go back on them. Due to a high stress situation last year he has spiralled again and has moved out. He was unsure if he wanted to be with me but now has said he does but unsure if he can handle the kids full time (our youngest is a toddler and I think having another child -one that he didn’t particularly want- has being a bit of a catalyst and he didn’t really bond with him straight away and even now, he struggles with him and seems to blame him for what’s happened between me and him)
He refuses counselling and he hates to open up to me about his feelings etc. One minute he’s loving and then next he retreats into himself, it’s like a viscious circle.
It was just two weeks ago that he said he does love me and we need to try and get back to being back together properly. Since he said that he has slowly retreated within himself. I asked him at weekend what was up and he blamed tiredness and work etc so I said “so it’s not me then?” So he said “no!” So I left it at that.

I’m not sure I can live my life like this, constantly in limbo, not knowing who he will be today (mr loving or mr distant). I suffer with depression and anxiety myself, which doesn’t help. I just wished that he would open up to me...sometimes he does and I feel like we are getting somewhere and then other times it’s like he’s a unemotional zombie !!

Anyone?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like he is making the decisions, which also means his depression is. And depression is very bad at making decisions!

What do you YOU want? To be together or apart? Perhaps it’s a condition of you getting back together that he tries another medication, or counselling? If he’s not prepared to do that then can you commit to the relationship in the long term?

Thanks @Newkitty he’s he is definitely making the decisions
When he is in the throws of depression he just shuts down completely.
I do want us back together but I’ve had 9 months of this up and down relationship and it’s doing my mental health no favours....I just can’t seem to let him go.
I read into EVERYTHING he does and it’s exhausting!! For example, this morning he’s dropped his kisses on txts to two instead of 3 and usually when one of us puts a smile
On the txt, the other one does too and he’s completely stopped doing that since weekend

Why are you allowing him to be the master and commander of everything in your life? He is doing nothing but fucking you about, playing hot and cold, there one minute gone the next. He refuses to properly treat his depression or attend counselling, and just expects you to deal with the fallout. Stand up for yourself and tell him no more, it's OVER. Living in this hellish limbo will destroy you.

Get a solicitor and get a divorce.

I think you’re torturing yourself looking for signs of his old self inside his depressed self. You can offer him your love and support but he is not in a place to do the same for you at the moment. How can you protect yourself while/ until he gets help? How can you accept it if he never does?

You sit him down and tell him it's counselling or you're gone.

His attitude to your youngest is really worrying. THAT'S where the damage will really be done... and to any other children, growing up with this completely dysfunctional, insecure situation.

That's before you even get to your right to be at peace, to be the master of your own fate.

These aren't all his decisions... but right now, you are letting him make them. Or rather, get away with throwing everyone under the bus so that he doesn't have to.

@Aquamarine1029 I wish I had the answer for that, I really do!

I just don’t understand how I can’t see how hard this must be on me? He’s not a nasty person but his depression turns him into someone I do not recognise.
I know I need to concentrate on myself, I just find it hard to let go. All I think about is him!! He’s consuming my life right now.

psychcentral.com/blog/signs-of-codependence-codependent-behavior-2/

Hi . Have joined just now for this thread .
My husband of 20 + years has had chronic depression his whole life , it came to a head earlier in the year and I asked him to leave . You need to focus on yourself as being the partner of someone with depression can and does suck the life out of you at times as they cannot see the woods for the trees , but don't let him take the piss make it clear he needs to sort himself out or go for good . Support him from afar if you feel you need to but focus in you as well.

Thanks @Inthesameboatatmo
How did he take it, when you asked him to leave ?
I fee that throughout our entire relationship I have always put his thoughts and feelings first and completely lost myself along the way.

He completely understood that I just couldn't take it anymore, I was in the end practically his carer he couldn't function at all and it started to take its toll on me and my children come first.
I couldn't be a good mum and be worried about him as well , it might sound harsh but I was drained with it all and had had more than enough and needed to put myself first for a change.
It's tough to begin with but start to distance yourself emotionally a bit if you can and do things that make you happy, go for a coffee have a short walk or just binge watch Netflix.

Start connecting with you again.

He needs to want to get better for himself, you can't do it for him... so concentrate on yourself. You need to be fit and strong for your DC. All the advice is to "emotionally detach" but when you still care passionately for someoneI know that is hard to do. I'd take small steps, retreat to a different room put on your headphones and watch something you like on the laptop or listen to a book. Try the "shield up" or "grey rock" techniques to protect yourself. I know it's a lonely place to be and no one else can understand the heart rending pain you feel.

You need to think hard about the impact on your DC and tell your H he needs to seek help with meds and counselling or you can't go on with the relationship and mean it , don't bluff. Migraine is comorbid with depression and there are meds that can treat both at the same time e.g. Effexor XR, Ami and noritriptyline plus many more. You are right that it is all about him, it probably always has been. IME It is so hard to unpick what is the depression and what is your partner being emotionally abusive. Also, if he has already had depression before then it is likely (as it's not a one off) that it could become a pattern every few years without proper management.

Have you got the finances to enable him to move out even temporarily?

OP,
Living your life, up and down, always on alert for his moods is a terribly unhealthy way to live and a truly shocking household to grown up in.

You and your children are at the mercy of his illness and his refusal to help himself.

My sympathy is with your helpless children and yourself.

I think you don't realise yourself how unhealthy the dynamic is.

I think your children have to come before him and you.

Think about how you feel coping this as a mature adult and then think about how confusing and damaging this is for your children.

Up and down is zero emotionally security for them.

They will ultimately pay a very heavy price for his illness if they live their lives with it dominating their home.

If he won't do the work he needs to recover, he needs to leave. OK, so the antidepressant he was on started giving him side effects. That happens. He should at that point have gone to the GP and asked to try a different one. He also needs to get over his aversion to talking therapy - he doesn't get to refuse to do that and expect you and the DC to live with his low moods.

Hard as it is, I imagine that once you are separated, your own mental health will improve a lot. And it will be infinitely better for your DC.

You need to do something for the sake of your children too - having their dad come and go, come and go as he pleases to suit him is terrible for children who simply cannot understand this lack of stability in their lives.

He has times where he is quite self aware and will open up and realises the effect he has on me and then others where he just utterly shuts down and loses all empathy and just pretends nothings wrong.
When we split up initially I did do a lot better, I felt more in control of my life, started to make more of an effort with myself/appearance, did more around the house, took up a class and was seeing friends etc and then Lockdown happened and it’s being limbo between me and him ever since. It was only two weeks ago where he said how he does love me and we need to try and get back to how we was and now, we are barely speaking ! I’m refuse to ask him again what is wrong with him.
I’m going away with the kids and my friend this evening, so I’m hoping the break away will do us all good.
It just frustrates me that I don’t know what’s going on with him. He is very selfish.

You can't keep going on like this. You need to lay it out for him: That you will support him, but only if he does everything possible to improve his mental state. That this has to include both medication and talking therapy. That you understand he is likely to have periods of relapse, but as long as he is working his hardest to recover, you will be there.

And if he won't entertain any of that, you leave and you live your life.

@billy1966 he doesn’t live with us, he has his own place but does come here a lot. As far as I’m aware, the children haven’t picked up on anything.

Your right, I don’t think I realise how Unhealthy it is as it’s just seemed to have being like this forever! All of us at the mercy of his moods!!
Even my eldest comments about how I’m the fun parent and he is the stressed and shouty one (yet he thinks I let the kids do what they want!)

Not another 'I'm so ill I have to get everything I want but I couldn't possibly see a doctor'.

OP, you sound heroic. But also scared, like you've been worn down a bit and now you're all nervy. You can't live being dangled on a string and you know it. You might love him, but right now the issue is whether you love yourself enough to install some healthy boundaries.

Enjoy the break.

OP, it must be so hard but be honest with yourself...read your last post and what your eldest said....they know well what's going on .

You need to focus on you anf your childrren.

@billy1966 funnily enough, in the past when I’ve said to eldest how would you feel if dad moved back, they said they prefer it how it is now. They’ve not once asked us to get back together (the kids don’t know that weve being trying , just think we are friends)

[quote Lovethyselff]@billy1966 funnily enough, in the past when I’ve said to eldest how would you feel if dad moved back, they said they prefer it how it is now. They’ve not once asked us to get back together (the kids don’t know that weve being trying , just think we are friends)[/quote]
There you go.
I think they know a lot more than you realise.

Children, even very young one's, can sence the atmosphere of a home.

They may not have the language to describe it, or how it makes them feel, but they can feel it, absorb it.

This is what causes long term anxiety in children.
They are never left unscathed by a home with a bad atmosphere.

Protect them and you, from HIM.