Im really mixed up. What do you think is going on. Bit of morale support please

[Wheelyyyy]

Brief summary

single mum. Ex hsband and Dad not around.
DS1 is 20 (birthday today) at uni but living at home. DS2 18 and starting uni very soon. Im waiting to hear if he is moving out into accommodation or not. We find out thurs.

I have a DP / Boyfriend of almost a year. Its serious. He has 3 kids and co-parenting. Its a family unit thing they having going on between them. All very grown up and impressive.
I have yet to meet his family. They live abroad (only an hour or so away). Covid has stopped this as DP is not keen on going on a plane now. He is still married and is waiting to divorce after they have been seperated 2 years (something to do with that they dont have to admit fault).

I am so very mixed up and confused. My head is blown that my children dont need me in the same way now. Its great but I feel i'm a bit lost now. Im looking ahead to my future.

I feel very insecure in my relationship. He's great. Could do with putting in a bit more effort...usual things...flowers would be nice lol
I want to be part of something but I dont feel they'res a role for me in his current life apart from a distraction. He has a family.

Ive started to feel uncomfortbale in his home because although im there 3/4 nights a week......its full of things he an dhis ex had. Its like my second home but it isnt really. My home feels uncomfortable because my grown children are there and I dont feel I belong there either.

I've just remortagaged (end of deal has meant I needed to) Im signed in for another 2 years. The fact my DP is married really bothers me. it feels like he isnt ready to take that next step in their seperation.

I feel like im living in limbo - waiting for my children to move on and waiting for a new life to begin. I feel Im waiting for my DP. I love him very much so i dont know why im starting to feel uncomfortable and insecure.

Ive spoke to DP about the divirce thing. He says he will start it earlier than the two years but with covid, having kids at home and working from home has meant it isnt a priority.

Any thoughts or advice or just a hand hold would be appreciated. last night I didnt feel comfortable in his bed so said I was gonna head home because I couldnt sleep. Started to drive home and like a crazy woman, i got half way home and bursed into tears and went back. God knows what he thinks of me at the moment

Firstly, deep breath. I can hear the unhappiness in your post. You're at a crossroads in your life, and that can be hard. Because now is your time, and because you've always given it to others, that can feel scary and huge.
The good news is, it doesn't sound like anything is wrong. Your DP will be able to apply for a no-fault divorce within a year I take it (seeing as you've been together a year.) That is no time at all. I think it's pretty sensible of him and his ex to do that tbh. The fact that he's still married on paper doesn't reflect on how he feels at all- I was 8 years separated, and it was basically because of my growing indifference to him.

I think you need to think about you. What do you want in this next stage of your life? Do you actually want to be a stepmother to younger children?

Rant I really appreciate your reply.

DP and ex have been seperated 2 years in January. She cheated and doesnt want to put that on the divorce. And he doesnt want to say its his fault either. Hence the waiting 2 years for a no fault divorce.

Its reassuring to hear you say....it doesnt mean anything that he isnt divorced yet. Sometimes its goid to hear it from someone else.

Him having young children doesnt / didnt bother me. I just dont know were i fit into it. Its like having my hands tied and gagged. A bit like being a mannequin around the house. Its alien to me. My 2 Ds's are like best friends (altho im very mum).
I feel like a spare part. Im a childrens nurse too. His kids are great....they are very loyal to their mum and sway between loving me or being very indifferent. I get it and understand it but....

I dont know....

Its all so scary....

Its like being the bees knees at work and at home. Loved and treated with respect

To

suddenly being a bit of furniture in the corner that coukd be taken or left.

I can work with this. I just need assurances from DP that im not putting myself through it for nothing....because there will be bumps...

He says he sees a future long term. But thst in itself doesnt seem to ease the angst.

Im dont know whether im just going through my kids growing up syndrome lol

This probably doesnt make sense....my brain flits from one thing to the other

Why are you pinning your hopes on him? It sounds like you are waiting for him to come and give your life meaning.

He is in a different life stage and circumstance.

Pin your hopes on you.
Instead of waiting for him, you now have the freedom to be and do anything you want to.
Life can start a really interesting and exciting chapter now, put your focus on that instead of living for this relationship.

How about taking a course? Volunteering? What do you like? Good at?

I feel your pain and I am sending you hugs. I moved in with my bloke with my son aged 13years. I vowed I would never move in with a bloke yet I did. He had two kids, 13 and 15years, both nightmares. It was the worse move that I made and I wish I had stayed in my little house. Sorry but the advice that I give is to stay with your children for now. Build a relationship back up with them and take 100% control of your house. Besides you are paying for it. Don’t be a wallflower in your partners house. I used to feel like I was staying at a badly run hotel. Our relationship didn’t last. I rented before I moved in with him and went to a housing association and we moved back out. We split up and my son’s education went from strength to strength. Sadly I didnt realise just how all of this was affecting him. This is not in your case but we only get one life so don’t live it in the wake of others. Be alone for a time and build up your confidence and self esteem. Thinking of you.

Onac your right. Its a little tricky because of covid, originally i was going back to uni this year but its all on hold until next year.

Activities have been closed with covid and being a nurse ive been full on with work over these past 6 months or so.

You must have met him very soon after his split if you've been with him for a year and it's not yet two years... I would be very wary of pinning my whole heart on what could very easily be a transitional relationship for him.

I think there's a lot of separate things going on here; your own empty nest syndrome, work having been tough, Covid adding another layer onto everything. But it sounds like you want the relationship to 'solve' all that for you. As a pp eloquently said, pin your hopes on YOU, rather than your relationship.

“He is still married....”
And your life is on hold.
If you were my sister, I would want much more than this for you.

I keep thinking about this one. You say that his ex went off with someone else and if she hadn’t then they would still be together, maybe? Sorry but I think that he still has feeling for her or why not put on the divorce that she cheated? He is sparing of her feelings yet disregarding yours. You must have met him not long after she went.

You have a home,yet why spend 3/4 nights at his? If I was you, then I would stay at home, maybe redecorate your place and make if comfy, secure and yours! Maybe your children are missing you? This could also be a classic case of empty nest syndrome and you dont want to be on your own.

Please give it some thought and stop going to his place. Meet up but back off a lot. Too many problems here and you need to start loving yourself and as others have said - Pins your hopes on you. Take care and sending you love and hugs.

you need to focus on you and yours.... and sort yourself out what you want, where you are going
this is your opportunity to focus on yourself after behing a single mum..

You seem to be pinning your future on your reletively recent boyfriend and thats o healthy..

espcially as you have been so flat out at work... give yourself sometime.... and focus

If she won't agree then there is no point putting adultery on the divorce papers. Solicitors usually advise unreasonable behaviour rather than adultery as you have to prove that. And with unreasonable behaviour, the other person has to agree.

My exH did agree to unreasonable behaviour and I was divorced in a year. Friend of mine split at the same time and is still married because her ex won't agree to unreasonable behaviour so she has to wait for the 2 years, which I believe it's been but she isn't motivated to do anything about it. She was dating a man who died, he was still married even though had split 2 years before. She got everything. I know someone else who only got divorced after his new partner issued an ultimatum. I seem to have been in the minority in getting my divorce sorted. Many people don't and a lot do wait for the 2 years so I wouldn't worry about that.

Regarding his house, if you are going to be building a future together, does he plan to move? DP has moved into my house that I bought with ex and I know he also feels uncomfortable. We know it's not forever though and I plan to move in a couple of years providing we stay together, which I can't see why we wouldn't. I get his reservations and I'm happy to move as I would feel the same way if it was the other way around.

Maybe have some discussions with him.

she could divorce him now on grounds of his adultery with you even tho they were separated. That was the grounds of my divorce because I could not face getting my ex to agree to his unreasonable behaviour. So we pretended it was my fault on divorce. Adultery applies if they are separated but she would need to agree to serve the divorce on him.

I also live between 2 homes and I know exactly what you mean. Its difficult circumstances though, doesn't sound like it's him not being committed to you. 2 years isn't long. Have you talked to him about sorting out his place so it feels less like his ex's house?

Thank you everyone for your replys. Theyve been greay appreciated.
I hadnt realised that i had lost focus of the plans i had before i met DP and Covid.

This morning ive contacted the local martial art school😬 to see if i can go...id originally when i was single id wanted to learn self defence and get fit. But i never got round to it. I may dislike it but i thing i need to give it a go lol

Ive also emailed off to one local uni about the course i wanted to do....theres still openings. I may still put this off until next year....i can get a msc loan but with covid and the upcoming winter....it may just be too much to take on...but im not ruling it out. Im off next mon and tues...ill do more research and thinking then.

I still feel anxious about DP's situation and again hadnt realised that we had got into a living between two houses set up. I think thats messed with my head. We stay together most nights of the week. Me at his or him at mine. I think with the covid lockdown and when it finished and everywhere being closed...its sped things up maybe before time

This is a really good update.
I can see you are reflecting.

No, you don't want to take too much on in life but at the same time, don't leave too big a gap that you are waiting for him to step into.

The masters course sounds great, and getting fit / martial arts.

Keep a week night/end now and then for your relationship.

Sounds like you've had loads of successes to me, good career, got your home, raised two children. You are a catch!

Let him raise his children, it's early days for you guys.
Keep it factual when you think about how you are progressing. It's not a surprise to you that he isn't divorced (your choice to date someone in that situation) you are at different life stages (your choice again).
I sense that you want to fast forward it, why?!!
He has loads of responsibilities, you can have the best of both worlds here, a boyfriend you like and a life of new opportunities unencumbered by duties and obligation.

As part of your commitment to yourself, look closer at this anxiety.
It's telling you something.
Perhaps it's this that is pressing you to rush and get settled as a couple.
It's this important time of getting to know each other where we can see if we are compatible or not, have easy exits and we can observe for problems.

Have you had anxiety with relationships or in other areas before?
Wouldn't it be wonderful to identify it and start to get free from it.
You are free to do that.

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/stop-skipping-the-discovery-phase-why-its-time-to-drop-the-shortcuts-that-arent-really-shortcuts/

Some info here.
It's a good site I think, has helped me quite a bit.

Thank for that link @Onacleardayyoucansee, I found that very helpful.

Op why do you feel uncomfortable with you grown up children in your house? Maybe something to unpick there, surely it is all your home together.

Re: your DP divorce, I do think a lot of couples try to do the no fault thing and that can take time. Understand it is frustrating for you though, but at this stage I wouldn’t take it personally.

You’ve had some good advice on this thread and glad to see that you are figuring out what you can do for you in the coming months and years. Change is really scary! But you do really have a chance to focus on yourself now, which can be v exciting too

Onca thanks for your replay and the link. Its interesting and I can take from it. I think things were sped up with covid made everything a bit out of the ordinary.

Work Uncomfortable was a bad choice of words. Living with my grown childrens is fab. It also comes with not much privacy, grown people following yu around wanting t speak to you when your on the phone and wanting to have other adults in the house. I feel like im house sharing now rather than parenting. DS1 picked up a tooth brush id left on the side downstairs (I was late for work and had brushed whilst I was moving about to get ready) and he looked at me and said 'Mam....no...just no' . The dynamics change so that they are very mch your children but idividual adults too. Im probably not explaining it well.

The more Ive reflected why the divorce was important is because both DP and his ex still have things they need to work through that make things uncomfortable for me. I guess in my head I thought the sooner they get it all out the way the sooner they can get on with their lives. A bit like ripping a plaster off slowly or quickly.

Hi Ex had a big issue with me initially. shes with someone herself and met that person with a few months of the seperation. I think it was just her getting her head around her Ex moving on. Wasnt easy being on the other end of it.

Things are hopefully settled. But its left me a bit unsettled....especially when im at his and around his kids sometimes.

Im just rambling - it was back to school this morning so the morning was spent with both mum and Dad. I needed to be out the way which I understand but then a part of me thinks this isnt real life. It feels like im something to be ashamed of and needs to only be brought out when it suits and told to go away when it doesnt.

These are just ramblings