Help me ride this out with MIL

[lostmyzen]

I’m not really sure why I’m posting this, other than I need to vent, and probably for reassurance that I’m dealing with this in the right way.

Generally I have a good relationship with MIL, we get on well day to day and she’s mostly friendly, helpful with DS(3) etc. She definitely has a bit of a controlling nature, but most of the time I manage to do things my way without upsetting her and we rub along fine. Since me and DH have been together though (around 10 years), there’ll be one or two incidents a year where she is clearly annoyed at one or both of us. We will be given the cold shoulder for a week or two and then it usually blows over. Sometimes we know what the perceived slight is. On a few occasions we’ve been able to see her side, others we’ve both felt she’s being completely ridiculous. There have been other times where it has been completely out of the blue and we have no idea what’s up, and once or twice where we know it’s not related to anything we’ve done at all.

The last time was around a year ago. They had offered some childcare but then couldn’t manage it. It was very short notice and pretty stressful, but we understood and neither of us made any negative comment. It was DH that was told about this and for some reason she refused to speak to me. Neither of us have any idea why. I was completely ignored for over two weeks. I went round to try to speak to her to clear the air but she was really rude to me and left the room as apparently she was waiting on a phone call. Just like all the other times, it all blew over, she went back to normal and all has been well since.

Until now. DS’s weight is pushing into overweight, and we’ve asked family to cut down down on the biscuits and sweets. My family have listened. She hasn’t. She’s undermined me twice where I’ve said he’s not to have anything else and given him something anyway. So I sent a message saying could she please cut down. She now apparently very upset at my message, I’m picking on her, I should have gone round to talk to her (because that went so well last time ) and not sent a ‘nasty’ text (DH read it before I sent it and agrees it was fine). He’s stood up for me and said we won’t back down on the junk food. So she’s told him she’ll see less of DS and doesn’t want to talk to me about it all.

So now I probably have at least a week of being ignored as ‘punishment’.

Yesterday this was fine. I know I shouldn’t engage with it. Let her get out of her strop, be the bigger person, no skin off my nose etc.

But despite this I’ve been awake most of the night. Frustrated that she won’t talk to me about it so I don’t get to get my point across. Annoyed that she’s using DS as a pawn to get to me - he absolutely adores them both, and actually just really upset that I’ve got to face being treated like this again. DH has been great but I’m hoping after this epic rant I can get some sleep as I have to get up for work shortly. Any advice from wise MNetters gratefully received!

Attila FIL is generally fine, but does as he is told and will always support her side. DH is really close to his Dad and I know won’t consider no contact with them. He is very aware that her behaviour isn’t normal. She has a brother who doesn’t speak to her which she says is down to mental health problems and she really misses him but DH has said he is well aware it is down to her own behaviour. He would say he had a happy childhood but is well used to her moods. He very much ignores it.

Mummy2017 I would love to send a message like that. It’s taking all my willpower not to try to have the last word . But like a PP says no good will come of it and it will just be ‘evidence’ of what a terrible person I am and it’s all my fault.

MagMell, no need to apologise, it’s made me think. We definitely don’t pander to her. There have been plenty of times I’ve stood up to her (e.g when she bought us a new rug because apparently the one I got wasn’t right, I just politely said no thanks and there was no drama). Other than the one occasion I went round (because it was the first time she’d targeted me and I was sure I must have done something) I’ve never tried to talk her round, I’ve just carried on business as normal and let her do what she wants. However I do agree she probably does see the fact that there are no repercussions to her behaviour as a sign of weakness, and it probably is a meek way to deal with it. When I say ‘it blows over’ I literally mean she decides to start talking again without any input from us. But we’ve always just welcomed her back with open arms. This time feels different as she has openly admitted she’s annoyed at me, and this time it is affecting DS.

So my plan is this:
Ignore
When she does decided I’m ok to talk to again I will be civil, but cool and detached.
Contact with DS will be on our terms and supervised.
Communication will be via DH
And I’ll download the book!

I don’t want to cut contact with DS completely as he really does adore them but I do need to reduce it. Since the childcare debacle I’ve made sure that we absolutely do not rely on them for anything so in that sense there will be no further issues there. My own family still work full time (PIL are retired) but my (very normal) DM is reducing her hours soon so contact on that side will be upped.

Thanks again for all the ideas everyone. It’s helpful to hear the opinion of others and it’s reinforced that I am not to blame.

You sound like you have the measure of her now. When she finally comes around as well as being cool be very busy that week /month. Like a child she needs to know there are consequences to poor behaviour.

lostmyzen

Its not you, its them.

Its of no real surprise that MIL's own brother does not speak to her.

Your DH's own FOG as well as inertia when it comes to his mother continues to hurt him as well as you. He has been emotionally harmed here by his mother and for that matter his dad too and your son could well be harmed similarly going forward. Your H may well want to continue to have a relationship with his mother out of FOG but that does not follow that you and for that matter your child have to do so. You would not tolerate a friend doing this to you or your child and his mother is no different.

Your DS relies on your good judgment as parents and besides which he is too young to realize he is being manipulated. You can assure your child that you are making a wise and loving decision for them as well as yourself. I am not going to script what you should say because you are the only one who knows your child, but you must convey that this isn't up for negotiation. This is not a decision that the child gets to make. Yes, children usually love their grandparents. Children are often quite indiscriminate in their love which is why they need parents to guide them. The more matter-of-fact you are, the more matter-of-fact your children will be. When we act hysterical, they will usually reflect our hysteria. If you act anxious, they will act anxious. If you appear unsure, they will push. Model the reaction and attitude you want your children to adopt. Not all relatives are nice and kind, let alone emotionally safe to be at all around, so this is a good time to teach him that lesson.

It will do him no favours going forward to see you as his parents being manipulated by his paternal grandmother and her subserviant enabler of a husband (who also acts like he does out of self preservation and want of a quiet life). He is really her secondary abuser here and he cannot be at all relied upon either. Women like your MIL cannot do relationships at all and always need such a willing enabler to help them.

If your parents are nice and it seems that they are concentrate your efforts on them.

Do read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward (your DH could certainly do with reading her book on toxic parents).

Wow. @Sssloou I think you’ve just saved my life, sanity and marriage.

Read this post as the title makes me relate to my own MIL. It’s crap op. I’m sorry.

But the powerful and true message you’ve written Ssslou is just brilliant.

Op. Please don’t be like me and waste days and weeks crying over this behaviour. You’ve done nothing wrong. Listen to the sensible poster above. Drop the rope.

She needs you more than you need her

All the best

Sorry you have been subjected to similar Catchafallingstar15, and thanks. She definitely does need us more than we need her. Hope the thread helps you move forward to.

Thanks again for the pep talk everyone. I’ve had my concerns about her for a while, but as it’s quite infrequent I’ve convinced myself she isn’t that bad. I feel quite angry when I’ve sat and thought about all the occasions together though. I wasn’t expecting the responses I’ve got. I thought I’d have a few “yeah just ignore her”s and a good dose of “YABU, it’s your fault for xyz”. I’ve realised just how much we have put up with over the years, and we’ve definitely crept around her far more than I thought.

I’m going to go back to my normal username now - I’ve had my sleeplessness night of upset, my day of reflection and now I’m going back to normal with not a thought for MIL. I really will be taking on board what you’ve all said. Thanks again.

I think you have left something vital out of the equation. You need to let her know that her attempts to “punish” you and put you in your place are completely ineffective. Meanwhile, what is completely unacceptable in this situation is the fact that punishing your DS in her scattergun
manner is abusive, and it will not be tolerated by you or DH.