Mid life crisis

[kellydee6]

My husband of 20 years told me he had a 3 week fling with his secretary. He told me he had always found her attractive. He came home on the Monday and finished with me saying he didn't love me or find me sexually attractive anymore . Thursday I took my rings off and took some pictures down and packed a case and went to my friends. He rAng me up crying then picked me up and told me about her . He said he has more feelings for her in 3 weeks then me after 20 years!! . He was on us hands and knees begging my forgiveness. Said he loved me , I was beautiful, he'd took me more for granted etc. He said they had only kissed and that was it . We talked it through all night all Friday and on the Saturday we was gonna try and make it work . He said he loved me and was sorry etc. He went to work was out the house 2 hrs and rang me and said she loved him and he wanted her I chucked him out . He has messed with my head and I'm so sad . Sorry for the long post I've never posted here before .

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Endings are often messy. See a solicitor right away and get your divorce sorted out. Don't waste any time. It wasn't your fault, he's a prat. Get on with your life starting now. I wasted time on a legal separation and other crap.

What happens to men when they have their mid-life crisis is that their brains turn to mush. The bloke sounds like a complete idiot-arsehole if he thinks that he can compare his 'feelings' after a 3 week fling with his feelings developed over a 20 year period. He's living in cloud cuckoo land.

Do you want to stay with him or not?

Don’t give him the choice. You have to be hard nosed here. This happened to a friend of mine. She took him back. He mucked her around for years. Going and coming back. They are still together but he still pines for the OW and has nothing but disrespect for his wife. It’s incredibly sad and she’s a broken woman. Stand up for yourself. You’re worth more than this. Go see a solicitor. Don’t let him back in the family home.

I know all about this. With six years of hindsight, I would say firstly, and most importantly, this is ALL about him, and not remotely about you. DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY or it will eat away at you and stop anything positive developing from this.

IF you want him back you have to stick on your dancing shoes, and make like you don't care. Do not let him see that you are heartbroken, just sort of shrug, and do your own thing. He can only think of himself and what he wants and will be surprised and confused if you are the strong one who takes this in her stride. Be careful, as I am sorry to say, he is no longer your friend.

He is experiencing severe change and has absolutely no idea what he wants which, as you have found, changes from one moment to another. You can't fix this, or make it better, you can only look after yourself and your children if you have them.

His brain is a foggy confused mess, and he is like a cardboard cut out of the man you knew. He can only see things from his own perspective and you need to let him realise what he is missing in losing you. But he can't and also doesn't want to listen to you and to justify this craziness will invent and twist everything around to make it seem like its all your fault so don't indulge him in conversations as this can be very painful.

Definitely don't involve yourself in the pick me dance, and sadly, don't expect the man you loved to ever reappear. If you do end up back together, the MLC can last for about 10 years and he will never be the same man as he was. Think only of yourself, what you want, need etc as I'm afraid he just isn't capable of caring for anyone but himself right now. The secretary is getting a very short changed version of him. you got his best years and no one can ever take that away from you.

There are some great websites, One is GuyStuff and another by a woman called Pat Something.. I would look them up and read and read and read some more to help yourself make sense of it. I'm so sorry, it was the most painful experience of my life, PM me if you need to. I know that right now you want nothing more than what you thought you had for the last 20 years, but hold onto your hat, and the chances are when you get through it, you may be surprised to find that you no longer want him. In the end he will be the one who is grieving for you and you will have moved on to better things.

@troublingtimes

Don’t give him the choice. You have to be hard nosed here. This happened to a friend of mine. She took him back. He mucked her around for years. Going and coming back. They are still together but he still pines for the OW and has nothing but disrespect for his wife. It’s incredibly sad and she’s a broken woman. Stand up for yourself. You’re worth more than this. Go see a solicitor. Don’t let him back in the family home.

No , I could never trust him again . I am struggling but I'll get over it.

Why is it you are expected to leave the house? I’m confused. He’s the idiot having a teenage style live affair he should do the decent thing and leave the house himself

Fuck that! Mid life crisis, my arse. A cheat is a cheat. He's a lying piece of shit. He fucked with you mind, he thinks you're his doormat he's welcome to wipe his feet and waltz right back in when he pleases. There's no such thing as a 'mid life crisis' or that it can last, only men have it - bullshit! There's no excuse for a lying, cheating skank.

I wouldn't leave the house, either. He can sleep with his bit on the side.

No advice op but I just wanted to say I am so sorry this has been done to you . It's happened to quite a few of my friends and I don't understand it.

criminally insane that is an amazing post and it should be stickied at the top of all these threads

I don't understand these men I should have said!

Hi Kelly, I’m sorry you’re going through this it’s shit. I’m in the same boat but a few months ahead. H left me after 20 something years for woman he’d known few months but ‘felt so much for her’ ... what a dick! I was destroyed, could barely get through the day, couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep...
A few months on I’m feeling better, still have bad days but the dread I felt each day is going and I can see a future. I feel happier, hopeful and loving the single life. Just wanted to say it does get better, list the things you’ve always wanted to do and start planning them. You’ll come though it and life will be better than before.
And of course H and OW didn’t last!!

Don't leave the house. If you're up to it, put his things in bin bags outside and change the locks. Not joking.

So sorry this is happening to you. Well done. Stay strong and please don't get back with him.

Thank you for your kind messages , I've changed the locks . In the process of getting a divorce .

Well done 👌🙏💐💐

You've really done the right thing. You've saved your life. 🙂👍

So sorry OP, be prepared for him to turn into someone you don't recognise anymore. Having trouble believing the 3 week fling thing....might have gone on for longer....anyway what is done is done. You are doing everything right...stonewall him and walk away with your head held high. Take no nonsense and when the divorce starts make sure you have her name on the papers. He will feel guilty so that's the time to make your demands and split with what you deserve. There is also a chance he will wake up, come back and try and fix things. Then its up to you how you want to carry on with things. Good luck x

So sorry OP, my mother went through something very similar. Allow yourself to grieve, you need to do that in order to properly move on and don't take him back! Hopefully you have support in real life, lean on your friends and family