Should I stay or leave him - advice needed?

[headache]

Have changed my name for this and going to try and keep it short.

Been with DP nearly 10 years we have one DD, we haven't been getting on and I'm thinking of leaving him but am scared as it would totaaly change my life.

DP has an alcohol problem he doesn't drink everyday but wants to get plastered every weekend, because of how he is with alcohol he only drinks in the house mostly after I have gone to bed but the next day he is still drunk and behaves like a complete a ie he is very selfish will watch his films and music up loud and be quite argumentative. I want him to give up drinking completely as if he drinks it ruins our weekend he says he will never give it up.

We have a large mortgage in both our names and if we split up I would have to move back to my hometown and probably be on benefits, the job I have I couldn't do in my hometown and I can't afford to live down here. I feel so sorry for DD I'm thinking of depriving her of a Dad and a nice lifestyle but at the same time I can't go on like this. When drinking DP has no sense of responsibility has 2 drink driving convictions and only last month I got a phone call from a night porter to say he had found him passed out in front of his hotel at 3 in the morning, I honestly don't know how DP hasn't got himself killed over the years. He can also be quite nasty when drunk and though has never actually hit me has been aggressive towards me in that I am scared to antagonise him when he's been drinking.

Sober he is a lovely DP and father I could not ask for more, he acknowledges he has a drinking problem hence the controlled drinking as he calls it. I know a lot of men who drink once a week and are a* when they have been drinking. To leave would leave me with nothing back in my hometown on benefits with debts, no chance of a job and a young baby.

Thanks for reading this, I've been sobbing all day I've given myself a headache. Any advice would be great?

I don't think of us can advise whether to stay or go - ultimately that is up to you but in the meantime I think you should try and get him to agree to see someone about his drinking, tell him how you feel and what you're thinking of doing - you can't carry on like this.

They're always lovely when they're sober - but you have to weigh up whether the good outweighs the bad. Hope you come to a decision that makes you happy.

Will he agree to go to relate?

Does he realise you feel this way?

Would you lkaving or the threat of ti make him change ?

I feel for you it must be awful living with this.

don't know about relate we have thought about it in the past but never done anything about it, he has been to counselling/AA before but said they were for hardened alcoholics and he felt silly going there

yes he knows I feel this way this is not the first bust up we have had over it

he says he doesn't want us to leave yet he won't give up the drinking and it's not just the drinking issues I do things that annoy him too

he's gone out today/tonight to be with some friends that he can talk too (I know he's gone out to get drunk)

I wish I could see into the future 2 lives one where I stay and one where I go but I know thats not real life

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{{{{Hugs}}}}
No advice really, just a hug. There are groups called Al Anon who meet up usually once a week for partners/family/friends of people who drink too much. I have been meaning to go to one myself but never get round to it. By the time it comes round, all is well again - hunky dory for the next 5 mins, then starts again. I kick myself for not going sometimes. I kick myself thinking I can change him.. but I can't.
DH's problem is routine. He has a stressful job, takes a 2hr lunch break - at the pub, comes back to work (works from home) helps himself to his cans, and that's him for the next few hours.. he comes in from work, starts on more cans then when he is fed up with that, or its making him belch too much, he starts on the red wine. He buys boxes of red wine... he drinks, on average, 6 glasses of that in an evening, every evening... and during the day, Pints of lager...well, lets see.... 2 or 3 at the pub, at least 3 or 4 back at work, then another 3 at home... it all adds up and it isn't fair that his mood changes, yes, he becomes argumentative, but for the moment, never violent. We have real ding-dong arguements and I hate him for it.
I have actually left him for a week, took my kids (frm a prev marriage) and stayed with my mother. He didn't even bother ringing me... I was the patsy who rang him to give him an ultimatum. That didnt' work either. I'm still here. He still drinks. We still argue but I am gettng good at shutting down now, even if it is just for my kids sake.
I do sympathise with you hun... I really do. The choice is so hard but one you need to have a good look at in the cold light of day.
I am so sorry. {{{{Hugs}}}}

thank you jo jo and essbee it's not that I'm seeking approval as such I just don't know what to do, he doesn't drink everyday and apart from this Friday hadn't had a drink for 2 and a bit weeks, it was me that bought 2 bottles of wine, he had a bottle and a half but after I went to bed with DD he must have smuggled lager in as I found a can the next morning.

The other thing is if I go back home now I will feel as if I have failed in a way, I will be going back to where I was aged 18 before I went to uni and go a good job. I know this seems like a rubbish excuse to stay in a relationship making me very unhappy at times.

It all boils down to a big stalemate, he won't give up the drinking!

It's not 'controlled drinking' if it makes him into an a & upsets you. & if he's been to counselling about it, he KNOWS he has a problem. Not necessarily in how much he drinks (if it's just weekends) but in how it affects him - if he's then screwing up his relationship because he's pssed & being p*ssed makes him unpleasant.

Can you, as an interim measure, get him to stay overnight with the 'friends' he talks about, if he's on a bender? Tell him that if he's on the p*ss that's one thing, but you & dd shouldn't have to put up with him being a dickhead as a result. It might at least bring home to him that his weekend boozing is more of a problem than he's ready to admit...?

CarrieG is right. What a good idea! There is no way you can change him, or if like me, trust him to change and stop drinking. Its a fair compromise that he stays over at his mates.

Think I know who you are as you've posted something similar recently, haven't you? It must be on your mind all the time and I'm so sorry you're going through such a difficult time.

It is really hard to consider leaving and, as you say, depriving your DD of a Daddy who , when sober, is really a good man. But what kind of a role model is he for her when he rolls in drunk every week. As she grows up, she will start to believe that that is what a husband and father is, and furthermore she will pick up on all the stress and resentment between you and take that on board as her model of a "normal" relationship as well. How would you feel if it was your DD in your situation in 20 yrs time? I'm sorry, I know it sounds really harsh put like that, but if you are finding it hard to deal with the guilt of leaving, it might help to look at it from that POV. It is not you who sould be feeling guilty anyway.

It's too easy for your DP to say Yes I know I have a bit of a problem but I just can't stop. That is taking no responsibility whatsoever and basically he mught as well just say "This is what I am, take it or leave it". As the wage earner, naturally the balance of power is in his favour, and I think he is abusing that by offering you such a lame excuse - not even an excuse, actually.

Maybe your actually packing up and going would give him the boot up the arse he needs to actually DO something? If you've argued around this subject for years and he still won't do something, then either he's not going to (and do you want to live like this for ever?), or he needs to see that he HAS to. If he can't make such a fundamental change for you and your DD< then your relationship is over anyway, and he doesn't deserve to screw up a little girl's head over what men should be like.

I don't know what his response wld be, and I know how hard it is to contemplate a life as a single mum on benefits. The only hope I can offer you is that 18 months ago I was in a similar situation (although for v different reasons), and after a lot of soul searching my DH is a completely transformed man, totally different, and we are wonderfully happy again. it got worse before it got better, but it CAN get better and we are the proof.

See a solicitor or the CAB before you do anything to establish exactly what your position is. Do you have a Mum, best friend, sister, whatever who could help you work out what you're going to do? I think with someone unpredictable, you need to have it all planned out before you begin, and then be very very strong and stick to your guns. Good luck sweetheart.

thanks lulu yes i think about this every day

DP came in at 1am last night had been drinking but not drunk, we are going to have a "talk" today I'll let you know how it goes

Also, you seem to see your options are very black and white and quite extreme - either stay or go back home and live off benefits. You would be entitled to half of the equity in your current home, which would presumably give you a deposit on new accommodation. You could get a mortgage based on your income as you work. You would get money from your ex to help with your child. You would probably have to downsize etc, but I think if you do want to leave then you should take a serious look at all the options.
Good luck with your talk. Do be honest with him. And in the meantime, if you don't want him to drink, don't buy two bottles of wine and leave him alone with them!

We had a long talk yesterday and decided to give it another go - we are both moving home and he's going to make a real effort to give up the booze.

In some ways this is the best thing that could happen because if we both move back I will, in effect, be there already and he if he doesn't mend his ways it will be easier on me if I did decided to leave him. We are going to make a real effort on the counselling front as well.

Thanks to everyone who gave advice, I just hope I'm not on here in another few months saying the same things.