Hi,
I'm sorry in advance if this is lengthy but I'm looking for advice for people who have been in a similar situation.
To put a long story short my in laws are extremely narcissistic. They have done a lot to me, my partner and our relationship since day 1. We have been together for over 8 years, married for 3 and have 2 children aged 6 and 1. When I got pregnant with my son we were quite young, both 21,both still lived at home. We moved out when I was 6 months pregnant. His parents controlled a lot of our lives, they spun a lot of lies to get what they wanted and successfully manged to damage other relationships we had with other family members with lies. They attempted to control basically every aspect of our life, my mil would clean my house and to through personal belongings. Anytime they did anything for us it was held over our head. We couldn't ask for boundaries without being accused of being ungrateful for the help they had given us. At first my husband refused point blank to see how toxic they were, for years in fact it felt like it was me against the 3 of them. My relationship was very up and down with them, when I was pregnant with my daughter I was afraid they'd not bother with her due to having no relationship with me at the time. 2 years ago I reached out to my mil and had a lengthy chat about how I would love for us all to try to get along for the kids sake more than anyone. They had a relationship with my son although it had dwindled slightly after we got married when they backed off a considerable bit. By this point it was 6 years into being with my husband and nearly 2 married and he was starting to see the things I could. We noticed they never bothered much with our daughter. Mil had only offered to have her once overnight. She'd never asked to spend the day with her. My husband pushed for it twice which she agreed to but by this point she was about 9 months and they had only spent the day with her twice, and once overnight. When lockdown happened they barely spoke to us, my husband asked them to face time so our daughter, now 10 months would know who they were. They never did, my husband did try once then didn't bother again as they didn't seem fussed. Once garden visits were permitted they were coming over and being very petty towards me. This carried on for the next few visits. Once restrictions got lifted they asked to take our son away in their caravan. I told my husband no. They are being disrespectful to me and they don't bother with our daughter, this doesn't feel right and I don't want our kids treated differently. My husband agreed so we sent them a text explaining their feelings. They ended up coming round to discuss it and the whole thing just exploded. They accused me of trying to alienate my husband from his entire family then once that was done id leave him they accused us of trying to turn out 6 year old against them which is so untrue! They said I was poisonous and wasn't wired up correctly. I recorded the whole conversation because I knew it would end up that way as that was not the first time. We had to chuck them out, again not the first time that's happened. We also got acussed of editing the recording!! Which we obviously didn't. They admitted they were nasty to me but basically told me to move on and forgive it all. I know I have tried so hard with this family more so for my kids and husband than my own sake and it constantly backfires. This happened over 6 weeks ago and I told my husband I am now done with them I will never talk to them again and I don't think they deserve to set foot in this house again. I don't want them going away with the kids, our daughter now almost 16 months has no clue who they are, and if my husband wants to see them he can visit them and take the kids. He agreed but the whole 6 weeks he didn't take the kids around as he felt they didn't deserve it. Last week our car broke down over 30 miles from home, my fil always helped us out with our car because he's a mechanic, my husband asked him for help (I didn't condone him doing that as I didn't feel it was right to ask him nor did I want his help) and my fil blackmailed my husband and said he won't help unless he sees the kids and he basically needs to grow some balls and get me put in my place. We obviously didn't use him for help as I was not prepared to have my children used as pawns. At the weekend it was my sons birthday and I said for that reason they could visit. We didn't talk and nothing was said between us all. The next day my husband was in a foul mood, he said he maybe should of spoken to them, he said he's upset at how things have turned out. I think the penny has finally dropped with my husband and he's realised he has been emotionally abused his whole life. If I'm honest it was after a post I wrote on here about 4 years ago that made me see clearly how abusive they are. My husband is having a hard time accepting it but reufses counselling. What can i/he do? I feel so bad for him but I also can't live like this forever having this hang over us and now my son is older he definitely understands there is something going on and I really want to protect him from it all.
Thank you if you have managed to read this far!