Dilemma

[Sunflower1970]

I have been best friends with Lara for 30 years and been good friends with her husband for around 20 years. I am godmother to their 2 young children etc. we have always spent a lot of time together and have a deep friendship. I thought she was happily married to Peter and was shocked when recently she told me she was having an affair with John. They have been corresponding over WhatsApp as he is in a different country and she says they are in love and she Was looking at houses etc so they could be together. He has been over to the Uk and they have slept together . This made me think that the affair has been going on a while. Since then she has told me Peter is controlling, cold, unaffectionate and she has been miserable for years etcetc . My dilemma is that Peter can’t understand why I have stopped visiting and texting him. I can’t face him knowing that there is so much deception going on behind his back. I dont want to be complicit as I can’t be fake. I now feel that I’m being made to look bad as she wants me to be ‘normal’ with him . I feel she is playing a dangerous game with everybody else’s lives and has been really manipulative. She won’t confront what’s wrong in her marriage and talk to Peter ( who doesn’t deserve this) but I do want her to be happy. Help

Keep your distance, it's not fair of your friend to expect you to behave the same - be complicit in the lie basically. She will have to make up some excuse on on your behalf to him if she won't come clean, but that's not your problem

But then why should you fall out with Peter? As far as you personally are concerned he hasn’t done anything wrong. Be like you’ve always been towards him, it’s your friend that’s playing away. Okay she’s not happy I get that, so finish things with her marriage before sneaking around unfaithfully as you say she has been doing.

I know that's the thing I feel terrible that Peter feels that I have fallen out with him and he is confused to why. I find it very difficult to hide my feelings and act 'natural' when I know something like this. She has also badmouthed him saying he's controlling, tight with money and drains her. This is how I feel she has manipulated me. I feel she has been subtly turning me against him to justify her affair.

I would suggest writing to Peter and saying that you are sorry, but you have fallen out with Lara and will not be in contact at the moment, but hope that one day things will be sorted out, and until then good luck.

If he is already suspicious, which he might well be, then this might be another useful tip to him, without you actually having said anything at all. If he hasn't a clue, then this would be an explanation for him - and when she runs off with his OW he will work out what this really was and might contact you again.

(I'd personally also drop Lara, as she's being very unfair making you keep her secret from your other friend.)

I'd ditch her as a friend unless she comes clean.

When she runs off with John, rather!

Really appreciate your advice thank you x