I'm so confused - should I leave?!!!

[Flo4567]

Back story: have been with my partner for 7.5 years now, I'm 26. We had DC in 2015, bought a house and have a pretty happy life together. He supported me financially whilst I went back to uni as a mature student and got the job of my dreams which I'll forever be grateful for. I just think I'm not happy as I should be? I think I have blocked it out for a good few years & just got on with things due to studying and raising our DC. Now things are a bit more stress free I've had time to think about life and how I'm really feeling.

I know it's completely wrong to compare yourselves to others as you only see a fraction of their lives etc but I don't actually know if I'm happy at all to live my life this way for the rest of my life, especially when you see/hear how in love people are with their partners. I love him a lot, I think I always will - he's given me DC and he's an amazing dad. He works really hard to provide for us and give us the best possible life and I know he would do anything for me and DC. But I don't think I am in love with him.

We rarely show affection, don't hug/kiss really only when someone is leaving the house or has come home & to be honest I don't really have the desire to. We can go weeks/months without sex sometimes. He never instigates it at all unless he's had a drink but tbh I'm glad because I am never in the mood for it either. Surely not normal? He's never really been open with feelings at all whereas I wear my heart on my sleeve.

We have talked about buying a new house and TTC but I don't know whether this is a good idea or I'm just trying to subconsciously save our relationship because I think it will make me happier? We're going on a trip in a few days for a long weekend and I am absolutely dreading it and keep thinking of excuses in my head because I really don't want to go and would rather spend my time with DC.

The thought of leaving makes me feel so empty and heartbroken. We've had a conversation a few times before about me not being happy and it just always ends up to me feeling like this again. I just want to feel loved and excited and wanted. I want to want to kiss him and want to hug him but I just don't. Has it run its course? Can I do anything to get the spark back? Is this what mom life is like? Some days I just get on with things and literally doesn't bother me but days like today I'm just so down. (I came up to bed at 9pm so I could lie in bed on my own and not have to sit down and watch whatever he's got on TV). I honestly think he is happy with the way things are I really am hence why I'm so reluctant to say anything. All my friends are getting engaged also and I feel like that's never going to be me, not a chance in hell I'd get that effort put into making me happy.

Please help

You do sound unhappy. Would you say you have ever been madly in love with your DP? If the answer is yes it might be possible to reignite some passion if you both want to make it work. Have you thought about couples counselling? Do you think your DP would go for this if you explained how you are feeling? I think it’s important to be honest with him. At least if you try to make things work you won’t have any regrets if in the future you decide you would be better off apart.
You are young and it would be wrong to stay feeling like this if nothing changes. Life is too short. Good luck.

He's your friend, your best friend, but the intimate couple bond isn't there.

You can outsource almost everything in a marriage to someone else - hobbies, fun, cuddles and even sex (and people do), but you can't outsource romantic level intimacy.

You were very young when you had your child, plus you will have grown since then. I think people still have some developing to do until their mid 20s, and you're feeling that.

When someone asks you what 5 things you like about your partner, what immediately comes to mind? Then tell me what you felt about him when you met him and were those impressions correct? Also, what is your job and what's his (trying to get an idea about your character as you say you love your field of work).

P.S Don't tell me if you think it would easily identify you.

@Wondersense oooh okay,

1. He makes me laugh
2. I know I could trust him with anything and he is very supportive
3. I'm attracted to him physically
4. He's a good dad (don't know if this counts haha)
5. We're a good team?

I'm a midwife & I won't say his job would make it obvious but managerial/engineering office based works from home a lot too x

@Wondersense I can't even remember what my first impressions were, I just remember being happy and we just had a real good laugh. I honestly think we do life pretty well together but is that sustainable?

One if the main problems here is that you clearly see something that needs to be fixed, but living in an affectionless, sexless relationship is fine with him.........only you can define what your relationship is, but he seems to be fine living with his mate. His needs are are met I presume whereas you are left wanting. I don't think he needs nor misses that kind if intimacy. Maybe he doesn't even know what it really is.

I think what you really fear is the act of leaving him, which is very scary, rather than leaving him as a person. After all, you didn't even want to spend your holiday with him!! It seems like he's mentally checked out maybe of the relationship or he simply cannot give you what you want because it's simply not in him. Is he a people person at all? Does he seek or enjoy the company of others?

Relationships wax and wane and go through many changes in the lifetime of a marriage. They go through barren patches and then perk up again. It is about enduring the lean times and enjoying the good times. It is about remembering the shared experiences that bind you, even if the spark is struggling temporarily. And it is also about loyalty. It is about realistic expectations.

It is not possible for a marriage to maintain the same spark for all time. It is about a different sort of love based on all that you have shared and will share. It is about not crying for the moon and recognising the value of simple contentment.

But above all else it about sharing the job of parenthood, and it sounds to me as though you are both making a good job of that.

Treasure what you have and look for gentle incremental change as the years go by.

What is the alternative? - jettison a decent man with whom you have shared so much? Destroy your child's peace of mind and sense of security? Turn your back on all that you have achieved together?

If you were describing a thoughtless or cruel or abusive man, then I would be saying get rid. But you are not. Just hang on in there; and ask yourself what you might do for him. He sounds like a keeper to me!

I hear you. I think it’s hard when you have children to think about breaking something up that doesn’t quite feel like it’s bad enough to leave but doesn’t feel great to stay in. I’m not sure what the answers are to be honest, but just wanted to say that you’re really not alone in feeling this way. Maybe it is just what happens in a long term relationship?

I get you OP. I am in a very similar situation with the same type of lovely, kind and supportive guy who seems to have checked out emotionally/romantically/sexually after DC. DC is now 7 and I keep thinking that this has been going on for about half of our relationship. It was wonderful to start with and I always thought that by sticking around and trying hard the sparkle, love and happiness will come back.

After all, as Mischance says, there's the kids to think about and many around me would say he is a keeper. 7years on and nothing has changed. I am still empty and heartbroken but I also have felt frustrated, disappointed, angry and helpless in these 7 years which is not the type of person that I am. I opened my heart to him many times and he was sorry I felt that way but he couldn't see how things could change. He feels everything is fine. It's a comment from our DD which brought the conversation on the table again recently and he said very kindly that it was ok for me to leave with the kids as he could see I wasn't happy and he didn't want that for us.

Like you, I just want to feel loved and excited and wanted but it looks like this is not going to happen anymore with him. This is all very sad.

You do not need to take any rushed decisions and if there is a way of working both together so you can feel fulfilled emotionally, go for it! But if this does not happen, how long are you willing to live this way for?

My husband is very Lazy and controlling. He Has been on unemployment since March. His family owns their own roofing company so my husband has had plenty of opportunities to work with them as that is his job and source of income. He wants to stay home until his benefits run out and then I know his plans are to stay home more until we run out of money. I’m tired of being broke! We have money in the bank but we have bills every month. We have 4 kids together and two just turned 13 so they will need vehicles within the next few years. My husband doesn’t understand that he needs to work so we can save money for our kids. I already lost my new Dodge Durango because he quit his job paying $18 an hour because he worked too much and he wanted to stay home more. He always thinks I’m cheating on him and that’s why he won’t leave the house. He doesn’t let me have friends or a job and tells me everyone I talk to is trash and im trash, too. He pulled me away from two of my childhood friends because of his jealousy. He tells me I’m a slut when I’m around them. So I found a new friend who is pretty popular around where I live and works with the police and all good things around here. She’s a good respectable married woman. My husband stopped me from being friends with her because she has a brother who is a cop and he’s afraid she’s going to hook me up with her brother. 🤦🏻‍♀️ He is so controlling! He will only let me work at the elementary where our kids go because I’ll be around nothing but children. Because of the virus, I am not subbing this year. When I approached my husband about him not working, he tells me “I’m not working because I don’t want to. I’ll work whenever I feel like it.” He also gets drunk and calls me lazy, slut, whore, mentally retarded, stretch marks, worthless, horrible mom and tells me I’m just a burden to him and our children. And al I can do is stand there and cry when he tells me these things because if I Say something back, he will kick me out of my house. I have many recordings of him just throwing me in the dirt and me just laid out in my yard bawling because of the things he’s telling Me. He says I’ll go to prison if I keep recording him without him knowing but I do it because I want proof of what he does to me and I want him to stop. I just recently told him I’m getting a job at our local bar because I’m tired of him controlling me and controlling our money. I want to make my own money and provide for myself and my kids. I’m 30 years old and I have nothing to show for myself because I’ve been with my husband since I was18 and he has always controlled the money and anything we bought. Everything was put into his name. He even takes our debit carD away When he’s mad because he thinks I’ll take money out and leave. I just want to work. I want to feel like a normal person and be around normal people my age. I want to buy MY OWN things so they can’t ever be taken away from me. When he was paying my phone bill he would take my phone everything we argued. My mom finally out me under her account so he can’t take it anymore. Am I going overboard by wanting to work at a Sports bar? I’ve always wanted that job and I would be so good at it. I could really bring in a lot of money for my family but he’s totally against me bettering myself. He calls me lazy and retarded yet he won’t allow me to do good for myself. He has threatened me with calling cps on me and the cops because I have smoked for the past 13 years. It helps with my depression. I’m lost. I got the job at the Sports Bar all I have to do is show up. My husband told me “if I take the job, I can leave and we’ll get a divorce and that’s the end of that discussion” and then he blocked me from his social media’s and phone and he left for the day so I couldn’t get in contact with him. I’m TORN. I don’t want to take my kids from their dad. I don’t want my family to be broken up but I also can’t live this life anymore. Please help.

At the age is 26 I think you are too young to feel like this. Yes he sounds like a good man but you don’t have to settle for a sexless, joyless existence, life is too short. You might think your child isn’t aware of the household unhappiness but they do pick up on it. I’ve been in a couple of relationships, particularly one which was sexless and Emotionally cold and I just felt sad and unfulfilled. It took me a while but I decided to risk being single and left the lovely house, the decent bloke, security etc and decided to be by myself. I then met my husband 12 years ago and we still fancy the pants off each other, laugh, enjoy the same things and have a lot of fun. There is a whole new life out there

sam6r you need your own thread with that post. And you need to leave your partner. Don't worry about splitting the family, taking kids from dad. Living in that toxic environment is no food for anyone.

I can't remember the ops issues now!

You are basically brother and sister now.
I would leave. This was a childhood relationship that has now run its course

I think you should think very hard indeed before leaving. Are you sure you aren’t being influenced by social media poses happy family shots etc? Life is long, BUT to be blunt, your partner sounds like a good man, and there is no guarantee you will meet someone else. It is hard to date as a single mum. Would the potential to be single for a long time really be worse than what you currently have? If he is as you describe, it is unlikely he will remain single long, plenty of women would love a decent man. How do you feel about the thought of him settling down with someone else, buying a house and having a baby as a sibling for your child?

Before leaving, I would really give it a good shot. Start doing family cuddles to get back into the habit of touching. Get out of the house together, even if it is only for a short walk with DC also.

Grass isn’t always greener OP

Try dating him. Make proper time for each other as a couple and see if you can recapture your spark.

You sound as if you’ve gone through a lot of personal development, studying for a new career etc. Maybe you feel like you’ve changed so much and he’s stayed the same?

Agree with people. Start dating each other again. Finding time to do stuff together, to have fun and laugh and play.

@Sam6R you’re situation is horrific and intolerable. It’s more harmful for the children to be in this environment than being from a split family. You can’t continue living like this. As a PP suggested, start a new thread of your own so you will get more responses and more help x