Think I need to break up with Bf. How can I do it without hurting him?

[Turbotastic]

I put a thread up recently about my bf not responding to me when we aren't together and it's made me realise that I think we need to go our separate ways 😞

I do love him but tbh this isn't the only issue we've had and it's really starting to wear on me. I've noticed I'm drinking more, not sleeping well, generally crying and being more emotional lately and I think it's because I'm not happy.

I'm not generally the one who breaks up with people, it's usually the other way around! I don't want to hurt him but in all honesty most of the reasons why I want to break up are to do with him and his behaviour so I don't know what to say that won't make him feel bad. He's obviously going to want an explanation and I don't want to give a bullshit 'it's not you, it's me' answer because I don't want to lie to his face. I think he's probably see through it anyway which will only make things worse!

What do I do? 😭

I'd tell him pretty much what you said in your OP.

It's not working for you. It's not the relationship you want.

First of all, you need to accept that you probably will hurt him but the pain will pass and it’s not a reason for you to stay in a relationship which doesn’t meet your needs.

I’m not sure it really serves any purpose to say you’re finishing it because of everything he has done wrong: that will breed hurt and resentment and may drag things out. He might argue. Offer to change etc. But you can say something like it’s just not working for you.

I know there will be some amount of hurt, at the end of the day the relationship is still over. I just want to let him down gently I suppose.

Part of the reason is that he has depression and I don't want to be responsible for a further downward spiral. I feel bad enough for not wanting someone with those issues as I have them myself, but that's just the problem. I have too many of my own problems to help someone else deal with theirs. Especially because he is much more 'high maintenance' than me and I just don't have the physical or emotional resources to help him any more. He needs more than I can give and I need help too that he just can't provide.

I need more from him but it breaks my heart because I do love him. Ideally I would like to leave the door open for us to potentially be together in the future but be just isn't ready for me right now. I don't have time to wait for him to figure things out.

FGS stop trying to be responsible for his mental health. It's not your problem at all. He's an adult.

You need to keep it short and simple. This isn't working for me, etc. Don't get drawn into a big long winded emotional conversation, its pointless. Consider meeting up with him in public so that you can leave quickly once it's done.

Don't try to do the thing of leaving the door open - it's not healthy, it'll confuse things and is liable to stop you and/or him moving on.

Better have a clean break.

If you've been on the receiving end of breakups in the past you know they are hurtful and I can understand you don't want to inflict that on him if you don't have to. Unfortunately there will be some hurt involved for him but you do have a right to end this relationship and it sounds as if you need to end it for your own wellbeing.

Write yourself a script and practice it before saying it. Keep it short, clear, and don't get drawn into a conversation. Steel yourself for emotions (from him and from you). "It's just not working for me" is enough - you don't need to explain yourself any more than that, and it's clear you aren't the kind of person who's going to load blame on him either. Avoid any cliches. If he really resists just close the conversation and put the phone down/walk away rather than get drawn in. And don't keep the door open - it's confusing and unnecessary, if you find yourselves in better places in the future you'll find the door opens itself for you.

Unfortunately there will be some hurt involved for him but you do have a right to end this relationship and it sounds as if you need to end it for your own wellbeing.

this^

He is responsible for his mental health, you are responsible for yours and your MH is now affected by this relationship.

Sadly my MH is being affected. Mostly because I am so lonely and angry when he isn't here and doesn't talk to me. It's like mental torture for me, I know that sounds dramatic but for someone I love to have no interest in staying in touch with me and seeing how I am when we aren't together is really painful to me.

My confidence is on the floor because I feel like he doesn't care about me. I feel worthless and ugly. None of this is helped by the fact that we haven't had sex in weeks. I do understand how hard it can be when you are depressed but I'm trying so hard to better myself and change things but he just won't do anything and I've made suggestions and tried to help but he won't help himself and I just can't do it for him anymore.

he won't help himself and I just can't do it for him anymore

That is what you need to repeat to yourself, over and over.

You are not worthless and ugly. You have recognised that you feel this way because of your selfish ex. Refusing to tackle his MH problems when it impacts others is VERY selfish of him. ( I hope it is ex now).

You'll grieve for what the relationship should have been, not for what it actually was - which sounds very him him him.

Soon you'll feel so light and free, and able to focus on YOUR wants and needs.

If he starts threatening things like self harm or even suicide, to reel you back in - just direct him to his GP. You are not his carer or MH support worker.

You cannot avoid hurting him. Just make it short and uniquivical , don't leave any impression that you are in two minds about it. Then delete all contact details and don't reply to anything he may send you. In time he'll get over it but he won't thank you fot it.

I don't really want to cut off all contact entirely - we have mutual friends so it's very possible we will see each other at social events in future. I'd like us to still be friends but I agree that leaving the door open, metaphorically speaking, is probably not a good idea for either of us.

Would I be a terrible person to send him texts saying it? I really don't want to as I feel like it's such a bullshit cop out way of breaking up with someone but he just won't communicate with me unless we have explicit plans to meet up and do something and even then it's a battle to get him to respond.

More often than not he just turns up but I don't really know when and then he'll be stuck here until he can get a lift home - same if we arrange to meet out somewhere, he needs a lift there and then will have to wait to get picked up (he has no transport at the moment and I can't give him lifts). If I go to his house he'll either be asleep or his mum will be there and that's just kind of awkward. There's no easy way to go about it 😞

"My confidence is on the floor because I feel like he doesn't care about me. I feel worthless and ugly. None of this is helped by the fact that we haven't had sex in weeks. I do understand how hard it can be when you are depressed but I'm trying so hard to better myself and change things but he just won't do anything and I've made suggestions and tried to help but he won't help himself and I just can't do it for him anymore.
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Would I be a terrible person to send him texts saying it? I really don't want to as I feel like it's such a bullshit cop out way of breaking up with someone but he just won't communicate with me unless we have explicit plans to meet up and do something and even then it's a battle to get him to respond."

No, you wouldn't; he will probably say it was horrible of you to finish with him by text but I think you should just do whatever makes it easiest for you to end this relationship because it is so damaging for you.

Also if you end it by text you can plan your message and deal in your own time with any response he might send.