DH depression

[chillied]

DH ran his own one-man business which has not survived lockdown. He's now job hunting. I work full time and from home, so during lockdown he found 'purpose' in helping the DC with their schooling from home.

Earlier this year I was promoted with pay rise. This has been very handy because now currently we are a 1 income household. As lockdown progressed and the business failed, I now pay all the mortgage, I now do all the food shopping.

We used to have quite a fair division of household labour but I've noticed him doing less. I'm now doing more laundry. I do most of the cooking - and I did the shopping so I meal-planned so I've got the cooking plan in my head, so I see why that is.

DH said on Friday that he's feeling so depressed. Partly I can see why - he's got to reinvent himself and find a new job.

But - I never 'nag'. I am keeping us financially afloat, fed, reasonable living conditions (I'm no amazing super-housewife) etc. I'm also doing a more pressurised job due to the promotion - while he has time to nap or read books. I suppose I feel like I'm really taking the pressure off him, and he still feels depressed?

I know I'm unreasonable. I don't understand mental health well. His declaration felt like a bit of a slap in my face tbh. But I guess I've got to help somehow, don't know how.

OP,
What is he doing to help himself get better.
Because feeling a bit pissed off is not depression.

The reality is you are carrying everything.
How long can that last before you crack up.

I think you need to speak up sooner rather than later.
If you now become unwell, your job would be at risk.

I think you may need to speak firmly because claiming depression is a great opt out for him.

You need to protect yourself OP.
Lots of women, particularly when they are the sole earner just don't get the option to claim to be depressed and hap half the day.

He needs to figure out exactly how he is going to help himself whilst you do EVERYTHING else.

Thanks Billy. what's he doing to try to get better - nothing official. 'forging on through it'

At times where I've needed to get a job or freelance contracts I haven't sat on my arse, I don't believe. And those times were times of considerable financial pressure.

OP I think you need to sit down and calmly discuss a clear plan of action for getting him back into work and he must organise a GP consultation to discuss his MH if it’s affecting his ability to function as a normal human being, I.e. working / pulling weight around the house.

Discussing his equal contribution to the running if the household is not nagging.

How would he feel if you just gave up and did nothing? Would that be okay?

He's done some job applications. Last week he said he would sign up with temp agencies but I don't think he has yet.

Does it feel like a step down to him?

I haven't temped for years but I have positive memories of it. I'd like to think, I hope, I'd cheerfully do it again. I don't know of course because I'm not faced with that at the moment. I do have friends who've had to reinvent themselves job wise more than once thanks to redundancy and seen them have positive outcomes through temp agencies.

And no - I have heard about it in the past when his opinion has been that I'm not pulling my domestic weight. (an opinion I would refute!) The outrage that has caused in me though, I don't think would be good for anyone's mental health.

I have depression and if my DP worked full time while I was unemployed the expectation would be that I do all the house work. We have discussed this as an option for the future.
I also see it as my responsibility to get my MH treated and under control so as to minimise impact on the relationship.
I would hate my DP to have to look after me because I hadn’t tried to get well.
Your DP needs to do more, if he lived alone he’d have to. Unless of course he’s so severely depressed that he wouldn’t look after himself and may attempt suicide of left alone (in which case he probably needs to be taken to hospital) but it doesn’t sound like that from your post.

Regretsy I'm so sorry to hear you suffer with depression. (I want to feel that sympathetic to DH!)

I think you're right that next week (Sunday is a rubbish day for taking action) I should encourage him either to show activity around job hunting and/or house stuff OR visit the GP.

Part of me thinks I wouldn't mind if he had things to do that he was into. But actually I don't want to be paying all the bills forever, even if there isn't an immediate financial pressure. My pay rise was meant to be about things like saving for the kids to go to college, pension-saving etc. And also Billy was right, if I can't work or I get given redundancy, we are in the poop.

Thank you, it’s under control at the moment but it’s taken a lot!
I think he’ll be fine once he gets a job and you’ll feel under less pressure as well.
In this economy he might have to take a lower paid job for a while like my DP did. He also feels ‘depressed’ when he’s not working and magically transformed when he got a job.
BTW I totally get that ‘feeling depressed’ is a common phrase meaning feeling down and not actual long having depression, but he sounds like my DP who has used the phrase to get out of taking action, if you see what I mean!
Definitely have that talk!

I'm not at all sure DH is clinically depressed , though what do I know. He's definitely on a downward spiral of motivation, and on Friday when he said he felt so depressed he was flapping uncharacteristically about things that were nothing - cooking related things that I had under control. I was cooking a recipe without all the ingredients so was going to make some intelligent substitutions - it was all no biggie in my mind but he was in a panic about it, his mind could not see the way forward. Even though, I was like, I checked out the recipes at breakfast, I've got a plan! So he said he just can't handle thinking about things like that (meal plans?) while he's feeling like this.

And I was thinking, I never asked you to think about what we were going to eat... I've been working out the weekly menus alone for some time now...

Yes I think there's every chance a new job will magically transform his mental wellbeing. Just got to find one

OP, my primary concern would be for you, having to carry this load on your own.

It sounds very very hard.

What motivation has he got to job hunt? You're working and running around like a mad woman while he lounges around! I wouldn't tolerate it at all

You are kind... His spirits seem higher today - so not really 'depression" as regretsy knows it, I'd suggest

Exactly, it's not depression.
He's sorry for himself.
That's ok, we all can have a sorry day.
It does not mean you abandon all responsibilities and leave it to your spouse.

Protect yourself OP