Feeling close to some kind of edge

[BookWitch]

My beloved mum died a few weeks ago. It was all very sudden, she was fit and well at the beginning of July. She spent 3 weeks in hospital after a catastrophic cancer diagnosis, in which time we saw her twice. We managed to get her home, and me and my sister, and my three DDs had an intense, emotional week looking after her.
I am now faced with clearing her house (My sister is very supportive, but lives away and it will fall to me to do the lions share)

The same week as the funeral, my DDog was put to sleep. She was 15 and it was the right thing for her, but we all miss her so much.

I have 3 DDs - DD1 -25, currently living at home as she is doing a Masters (interrupted by Covid), works part time, very supportive, we are very close. She helped me massively with my mum, to who she was also close. DD2 -22, works full time, lives away, with partner. DD3 - 18, about to go to uni, massive anxiety issues. I worry about her, she is not doing well with the loss of my mum and the dog and going to Uni.

Now Dh has come back from overseas where he has been stuck over lockdown. He works most of the year in Asia, and he has his own apartment there. He is an alcoholic and has been very emotionally abusive over the years. I am quite happy with this arrangement. I feel emotionally single and have not relied on him for any personal support of years. His health has been deteriorating and he has had a couple of hospital stays since Oct 2019, with a variety of issues, all due to his alcoholism.
He is now home and he looks like absolute shit. He has basically fucked his liver. He has cirrhosis of the liver, acietes (swollen legs and stomach), a hernia, gastic reflux and he is coughing up blood. He is a fucking mess.

I feel nothing for him, no sympathy.
In the week that he has been home, the country where he lives have closed their borders due to Covid, he will be here until at least Xmas now, but I think there is a really good chance he will be dead by then. There is literally nowhere else he can go, He has no family apart from us, no friends in the UK.
He is not drinking at the moment, and he knows I have emotionally detached from him. We are polite to each other while he is here. Speak from time to time when he is overseas, but it's not really a good relationship. He says he loves me, has apologised for his behaviour over the years, but will then do something that takes me right back (eg - I have to do a COVID test as I have a cough, got sent a home kit, I did it, he dropped it, so I had to bin it, on top of everything else, I burst into tears as it had taken me days to get. I tried to order another one, but the system won't let me as I've just had one. He ordered one for me under his ID, apparently I didn't thank him properly so he didn't talk to me all evening)

On Friday, DD3 had a massive asthma attack - out of the blue, never had one before. Her peak flow was less than 100, we ended up at the GP on a nebuliser, the nurse told me I should have called an ambulance (which retrospect I should have)

I cannot face caring for DH.
I cared for my mum (with the help of my sister, and 3 dds) and it almost broke me, and I am still grieving. She was only home for a week.

I don't love him anymore, but cannot face a divorce or separation at the moment. I would be the woman who left a dying man, In anycase, even if I did "leave" him, he has literally nowhere to go. I will not leave my house for him, or leave my DDs to look after him (they are the only ones who will, DD2 won't- she was done with him years ago, DD3 couldn't manage emotionally, it would fall to DD1)

I have found myself googling his symptoms, to try to figure out how long he might live. Dr Google says a few months to a couple of years.
What a callous bitch am I? I feel nothing. I feel so sorry for people on the bereavement board losing the loves of their lives, but that's not where I am.

While my mum was ill, I developed a really hard, callous (sometimes totally inappropriate) sense of humour. I really don't give a shit about anything. I have a very low tolerance for other people's problems. Every morning I have woken up with a What the Fucking What Now feeling. I am no longer sad, just cross with everything. and such a low tolerance of everything.

Not sure what I expect anyone to say, Well done if you got to the end of that.

Sorry that was so long

Oh Book... first of all, I’m sorry about your mum. In a time where you would be grieving you are having to face caring for your DH as he’s a self inflicted wreck and, by your own admission, you aren’t ready to separate. I expect many will be along soon to say ask him to leave, he’s abusive, and I understand that too... but, if you won’t do that at present then all I can think is that what is important is that every day you get chance to grieve for your mum, and time out to do things for you. Take or find any support you can. Outsource anything that is possible to others.. paid if needed. That feeling in the morning isn’t surprising considering all you have on your plate, so cut yourself some slack. Things will change but for now treat yourself with some compassion..

How are you financially, if you don't mind me asking? You may be be able to buy your way out of some of these problems to some degree, like install your DH is his own flat for at least six months while he 'seeks help', gets a Care Act Assessment, etc.

You need the relationships with your daughters more, and his presence is impeding that.

Thanks for your replies.
I have talked things round and round in my head, and with DD1, but we go round in circles.
I have got to the point I am being really selfish about some things.

We are not too bad financially but we are already running this house, and his apartment in Asia (which he can't get to at the moment)
Running a third household might be possible but it would drain us rapidly. I work but I am not that well paid (I pay the bills etc on this house, but not much left over). We have some savings but they are my security. DH works freelance, and won't be able to work while he is stuck here. And to be honest, he is such a wreck, I can't see him working again.

How quickly can you let go the apartment in Asia? Sounds like he'll never use it again.

There will be a firm there that does international moves, ie will box up the things wants to keep and ship them, dispose of the rest, deal with the property (sell or return to agent). It's going to have to be done at some point, and I think you/your husband should pay someone to do it. You can't be going out there to do it yourself, even after Covid. You're mentally exhausted, and he's fucked.

Something you can do, to worry less about DD3, is phone the Asthma UK helpline. They will give you brilliant advice and support.

Regarding your husband, is he ill enough to go into a hospice? If not yet, it sounds as though he’s not far off. It’s something you might ask your GP about.

And have a hug.

Thanks Jamie, yes that is something I will have to look into. I can't see him going back there. Unfortunately he is a hoarder on top of everything else, and I know it is in a state so it won't be straightforward. While he is still well enough to argue he will try to hold onto stuff he thinks is valuable. There are a few things that might be worth a bit, but not much.

I could deal with him in a hospice I think. I don't think he is there yet. I have unfortunate recent experience of end of life care and I know how hard it is, even for a very short time. My mum was very slight and short, and me and my sister struggled to lift her. DH is 6ft2 and obese. I can't physically do it.

He's already been in hospital since he has been home, we are now waiting on a gastro appointment. We'll see what happens then.

Thanks for the tip on the AsthmaUK helpline Crumpet, we've got a follow up with the Asthma nurse at the GP this coming week.

He is currently complaining that the towel in the downstairs toilet needs changing as it's damp and proceeding to mansplain laundry to me. There isn't a jury in the land that would convict me is there. (I told you I'd developed a very dark sense of humour)

I'm sorry, but you have had so much to deal with, I wouldn't blame you if you dug a hole in the garden and sat in it for a week.

The loss of you mum and your dog in such a short space of time and the reemergence of your waste of space dh. Why is he still your dh, by the way?

First priority must be dd3, keeping her calm, away from dramas and off to uni. Then you deal with where and how your dh will be. Is there no one who can sort him out for the next few weeks while you help dd3?

Then set about closing up the Asia flat, set about using the money to rent him a warden assisted place and breathe.

Don't worry about feeling hard hearted. It's really not surprising. When this is over, find a good therapist to help you put it all to bed

You're right I should have left him years ago, if I could go back I would.
The distance with him being in Asia worked well, he came home for "holidays" and it was manageable. It meant I could carry on my life without the upheaval of a divorce. I have no desire to be with anyone else.

Well, the past is the past and now, with your youngest going to uni, you have to put yourself first for the remaining 20/30/40 years of your life.

It might sound harsh, but this is a turning point.

OP, this sounds just awful awful awful.

I can understand how you may have buried your head in the sand up until now if the physical (and emotional) distance between you was making it all bearable. With everything else that's gone on with you recently you must feel completely paralysed, unable to think clearly let alone make plans and decisions.

A PP is right. What's past is past. You talk almost like your life is over. You have much more life to live and you deserve to life it happily. Well done for being a good mum to your dd's but they are grown up and need you to be happy and healthy in order for them to live their live well with you in it.

I don't blame you for having developed a dark sense of humour. You're completely drained of care looking after your late mum. You shouldn't need to have to care for your DH too (especially when you say there's no love, not even friendship) at such a time in your life. How did it get to this??

I'm not sure what the answer is. Can your DH look after himself at all? Are you certain he's not drinking? Maybe one more drink may finish him off? (Sorry).

Has the GP given him a medication routine? Plan? I guess they can't until they know the extent of what's going on. Do you have an appt date back at the hospital?

@BookWitch

You're right I should have left him years ago, if I could go back I would. The distance with him being in Asia worked well, he came home for "holidays" and it was manageable. It meant I could carry on my life without the upheaval of a divorce. I have no desire to be with anyone else.

I'm very familiar with ex pat scenarios like this . Was he supporting you and the daughters financially when he was working away ?

Yes he was.
He's never been financially abusive,
just emotionally.
I no longer walk on eggshells like I used to, in some ways I am in a much stronger place as I used to be. He knows he can no longer say the things he used to, the dds call him out on stuff too.
I just can't face caring for him. I equally can't leave the dds to do it.

I would engage outside talking support to help you though this time. I would investigate end of life care and be ready to mobilise it as soon as needed.

I know you wish you had left years ago, but it's nearly over now, you are financially protected and can in time leave that to your own children. You've almost made it out the other side and you'll be free.

The liver Trust have a good support line and there are forums which offer support.

If you see a specialist they will be able to give him/you a timeline...usually liver transplants are only considered after 6 months alcohol free and an thorough and tough assessment that he is medically able to withstand the surgery.
Does he have any family?

Holy hell. I am so sorry about your mum and your dog.

Being selfish isn't necessarily a bad thing and in your present circumstances sounds both useful and protective.

I find British Liver Trust vague and unhelpful on the issue of prognosis but perhaps their helpline is better and could at least signpost.

I have experienced the horrors of end of life care for cancer. I'm sorry you have too. I have never really gotten over the barbarity of animals being carefully and gently protected from such extreme suffering, but humans being forced to ensure as much cruelty, suffering and indignity at the end of their lives in ways that dehumanise and force unbearable suffering in the cruellest way.

That angry, numb, not caring feeling is your brain trying to protect you from all the trauma you've been through in short measure. Hopefully it will carry you through this too until you reach a space for healing.

You don't have to care for him. End of life care should only be provided by people who mentally and physically want and are able to. I would never judge someone for saying they couldn't do it. I'm still traumatised by the death I was caring through; nobody should be forced into that position. Please don't put yourself in a position of successive traumas in such a short space of time if you can avoid it. It will make living again afterwards that much harder.

I would find out the assessments you need for carers, hospice support, etc. It may be he would die in a gastro ward. Which is a hellish place in its own right given some of the type of issues that lead people there.

Dark humour is good and useful. People will just have to adapt.

Good Post from user.

I'm not sure how much family or friends you have around you or how much they know, but I can bet you if they know of your situation they would never judge you. I certainly wouldn't. Human beings have their limits. Your limits are at breaking point.

@BookWitch How are you?

You've had such a rough ride recently. Just want to let you know thinking of you

@leafeater
I'm OK, thanks for asking.
I've been really busy with work all week, so just been keeping on top of things really.
DH spends most of the time sitting like a ghoul in the armchair.
He has a gastro appointment on 7th Oct. We'll see what happens then.

Taking DD3 to uni tomorrow.
Had a lovely chat with my auntie (Mum's cousin actually but they were close) and she made me properly cry for the first time in days, she'd phoned a couple of times and I'd missed the calls, so I phoned her back and we had a nice chat and I reminded her I wasn't far if she ever needed anything and she said well, it goes both ways, I know I can't replace your but I'm here if you ever need a mum-type chat. Bloody god bless her.

Had the first session of term of the course I am doing (on Zoom) I was dreading it, because it would be all "What did you do over the Summer" It's a bit mean to hit everyone with "Well, my mum died, my dog died, my wanker of a dh looks like death and he is probably going to die". But it was OK, nice to do something 'normal'

I still have a dark, Bring it on, what the fucking what now attitude to life at the moment.

Ironically I do staff training for Safeguarding and resilience! I should know how to look after myslef if anyone does!

You are a superstar.

Good thoughts for tomorrow. Taking them to uni is quite a thing, I've found. I've got to do dc2 in a couple of weeks, let alone being left with a dh in a chair and moaning.

Bless you. I'm so sorry for your losses and sorry that you have to deal with your DH too. Unfortunately, because it would mean leaving your DD1 to do it, I think you're going to have to be involved in his care until it is time for him to go to a hospice. I'm so sorry and sending you lots of strength.

I have done the end of life care for a late / final stage cancer which went from diagnosis to death in weeks. It was horrific.

I have also been through end of life for two alcoholics - I am sorry to say it look years, even when they were immobile and bedridden. I too used to google how long can this last.

I would put all 3 of your DDs MH front and centre of every decision you make. They will be v traumatised now after witnessing the death of your DM. Their grieving and healing is paramount as is yours.

Once all of the finite emotional energy and headspace you need to make the 4 of you v comfortable - I would look at limited detached support for your DH. Do not feel guilty about this - you have finite resources and you and your DDs recovery comes first - he has spent a life having no concern for care for any of you.

Emotionally disconnect. Spend money if needed to get him out of your house or adapt your property and schedule so that you have minimal interactions with him.

Pace yourself here. Your own health and recovery is important- and your DDs MH. He is not going to get better so don’t bust a gut.

@Sssloou
Thanks for your wise words. I really have disconnected. I really don't care what happens to him.
when my mum was ill (Briefly) I had this knot of anxiety every time she went to the Drs, or when I had to call and speak to the ward. I was the same when my dad had terminal cancer in 2017. I was constantly worried and trying to think what was best.
With DH, I really don't give a fuck. When he dies, I won't be happy, but there will be some relief.

I've been googling end stage liver failure. He has cirrhosis, which dr google says could go on for years, and even be reversed if she stops drinking. But he also has gastric problems, swollen legs and stomach (acietes?) and a hernia. He's coughing blood as well. Barely sleeps, which google seems to think is all bad bad stuff.

@BlackLetterDay - I'm really not, but thank you

@Sakurami No I know I am in it til the end now, I can't do that to DD1. we'll do it together. Me and her are on the same page.

if HE stops drinking