OK so, I had a baby with my bf of two years at the start of the year. I developed postnatal depression and it got really really bad at one point due to being stuck in on my own with our newborn, my child, and his child during lockdown (we both have a child each from previous relationships). He would go out drinking with his friends the first month after our baby was born (the month before lockdown started) and then went back to work. I felt like I was getting no help at all and my postnatal depression got so much worse during this time.
About two months after our baby was born I told him I needed help with the kids but he said he couldn't help as he was tired from working, so I told him I was going back home (we didn't live together at the time but we were in the same house during lockdown), as I needed help with the kids and me not being there was the only way I knew he would help. I know this was wrong, and I feel like I should have tried to wait until lockdown eased and then got help from family.
But a month later he told me he didn't have feelings for me anymore and we broke up. Its been about 5 months since this happened and I still want to be back with him. How do you put it all past you?
I've written down reasons we wouldn't be happy, he bought a house without informing me in the area he knew I didn't want to live. He bought it as our family home because that's what he wanted and this contributed to my PND, as it made me feel like he didn't care about my thoughts. He's selfish, he's disrespectful, he always wanted to go out with his friends but never wanted to do anything with me, he made me feel really self conscious as he would talk about other women he was attracted to, and he would plan dates for us after baby was born but then forgot about them on the day and laughed like it was nothing. I also suspected that he still had feelings for his ex during our relationship. My child didn't particularly get on well with his child either.
These problems only seemed to appear after I became pregnant, before this we were absolutely fine.
Since breaking up he's wanted a casual relationship, which we did for a week and then I stopped it. But then he instigated it again and I just wanted him so kept up with it for a few weeks and now it's stopped again. I completely understand I've caused problems for myself here. This may have made me go back over but I miss him so much, and I just can't seem to get past him.
I've been through therapy, and discussed him being manipulative and controlling. I'm taking tablets from the doctor for my PND. I've been trying to keep myself busy, I've been out with friends and I've even been on a few dates but I just don't want anyone else. I want to be back with him.... I know 5 months isn't really a long time but how much longer will I be wanting him?
I've been working on my confidence, which has gotten much better recently, and I'm doing all I can think of to help myself now but he just keeps coming into my mind. He has baby twice a week, so we still see each other often due to this. I've tried having someone else drop baby off so we didn't see each other, but I just couldn't keep it up. I feel weak for still wanting him, especially when I know I probably wouldn't be happy with him.