After 20 years, don't find husband attractive..

[history]

Hi,
I posted a couple of years ago I think about how I wasn't terribly happy in my marriage. My husband is a lovely kind man but doesn't tend to share his thoughts or feelings and is in my view pretty shut down emotionally. We haven't had ex for a few months, probably only a handful.of times in the last 5 years and to be honest I haven't felt connected to him or that my emotional needs have been met for a long time.
I think it's the old adage of I love him.but am not in love with him any more and as time goes on its getting harder to pretend..
He knows I'm unhappy but he says there's no problem from his perspective and things are fine...
I feel like not only do I mother my 2 kids aged 10 and 13 and gave to a lot to help my elderly mum who has cancer but I also seem to have to mother him in a variety of ways as well and tbh I'm a bit worn down by it all...
I feel like I've been living in limbo for a number of years without feeling fulfilled in my relationship but I'm so worried about splitting and the effect it will have on him and the children and also me..!!
Any words of wisdom welcome...

It is really hard and I completely agree that it's the lack of intimacy that is really soul destroying although the thought of no sex or very little with someone I don't find attractive from now until I die is really soul destroying. . However I completely get the safety net aspect particularly as I my remaining parent is terminally ill...

Also in the same boat. I wonder if covid-19 has made us evaluate our dying relationships more? I feel that mine has definitely run its course! Kids 11 and 13. Good luck, OP whatever you decide.

Basically a relationship without intimacy is difficult to sustain
That is exactly how I feel @Sunflowergirl1

I think a relationship without intimacy becomes basically, a business partnership. You co-tenant, and share the responsibilities of raising a family, running the "family business." It can still work in this way, especially if you're still good friends when all is said and done. There's a lot to be said for stability, and an amicable lifestyle with someone who is essentially a good person. I really don't think the grass is greener in most cases.

But without the intimacy - this is the thing you need to weigh up. Some people can sacrifice it (my parents did) and stay in the partnership and continue to run the family together. But not everyone wants to do this, or they're not prepared to sacrifice the intimacy.

Some people choose to have affairs - in France, this is very common practice, to take a lover at a certain defined point in adult life, and it's not frowned upon in quite the same way as it seems to be in this country. There's a subversive recognition in French culture of this period of marriage which often results in a physical stalemate, and it's more acceptable for a married person to have a lover.

It doesn't de-value the status of the established marriage which is still maintained, and it allows physical freedom for marriage partners to seek intimacy via their lover without it being anything else other than what it is.

I was raised in France so it is a bit different over there. Here people seem to have a very black and white approach - which I think is actually detrimental to marriage because whilst the French way is to remain in the marriage but take a lover, here it's either leave the marriage (which in the majority of cases no-one in their right mind wants to do because it's everything they've worked for up until that point in their lives,) or remain in the marriage but be physically unsatisfied for the rest of your life. It doesn't make much sense. I realise this mindset will be controversial of course.

I was you a few years ago but I did get out. Don't regret it at all. We have a DS at junior school, who was terribly upset to begin with but we split amicably and everything is ok now. I have a new DP who has been accepted by DS, he even wants us to get married and call him Dad.
I just couldn't stay in my marriage, it was soul destroying, being with someone I no longer felt in love with. The constant resentment I felt over it always being me that made anything happen, he just did not do anything off his own back. I no longer respected him, didn't fancy him (not sure i ever did) - the list was endless.
I didn't want to leave it til I was too old to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. I felt I had a better chance of finding someone whilst I still looked reasonable and have my health plus also had the energy to put in the effort!
We only have one shot at living our best life. Can't pretend it was easy and I still have to sell the marital home and divorce but all the emotional stuff is done and dusted now. Even if I hadn't found someone, I absolutely know I would rather be on my own than living half a life.

Thanks- I don't think the affair route is one for me as I'd rather just get out. At times I feel as if I have 3 kids as my his and is so random- just picked up one of our kids from school and gave them a snack without hand geling- we are only in a pandemic after all!
There's so many things I have to keep on top of and I'm tired of it tbh- we are both meant to be responsible adults but I'm always the one organising everything as well as kids, work and reminding him about goodness how's what. When you have 19 years a cumulative effect of small things hacking you off it takes it's toll. As I'm venting I would just add, constant heavy breathing (you can here it all the time), throat burping, flem clearing , not noticing stains on clothes, never clearing kutchen up completely, leaving stuff lying around, never initiating conversations about anything meaningful.or taking the initiative, thinks he's a good lover and he is if you just like boobs and then straight down there but nothing else! Maybe I should stop there

The French way would suit me. Like you say though, For some reason in this country it seems to be a huge issue.

I was ambivalent for many years and it really really dragged me down that I couldn't make my mind up. We are divorcing now because we hit an absolute shocking intolerable crisis and there is quite clearly no way back now. I wish we'd have the courage to do it sooner without so much drama.

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay is a great book that can help you to make your decision.

Saying that my marriage is run like a small business totally resonates with me.

My dh did something that was coercive (only once) and I found out that he was watching porn (and I am anti it because of the ethics and also going through the peri, my self esteem isn't great). My relationship is more or less cold. There aren't massive arguments, just niggles, I try to prevent happening in front of the dc. Most evenings when dc have gone to bed, I end up in front of the computer (on mumsnet) or reading a good book.

I recently lost my mother, have a teenager who is very moody and all and all feel totally lost, there is no-one emotionally there for me and I find that soul destroying (whilst needing to be emotionally available to my teenager plus other dcs). But I deceive myself that somehow it is all functional (when I know it is clearly not, having grown up with parents who did not get on). I have worked hard on my home over the past 15 years and my children are my priority. I need to get out more, talk to more people, join more groups so that I am more occupied (covid has struck, so everything feels more intense somehow). I can't bring myself to tell my couple of good friends what is going on, I have in the past, painted such a good picture of my dh (and the picture was good), I can't admit that things are not as they were. The ironic thing is, I felt proud of having a decent relationship unlike my own parents and never saw this coming.

Alone, but hanging onto my family unit. No extended family. I am trying to take better care of me. The sun comes up and goes down pretty rapidly and in between all of that, I find little things to occupy me and hobbies that I enjoy.

My libido, took a dive (probably related to the peri plus young dc) but I had no idea about the porn thing. I feel shattered by what has happened (not just the porn thing but the coercive incident). Without intimacy there doesn't seem much left, my husband is withdrawn and says he doesn't feel a connection now that intimacy doesn't happen.

Also awaiting therapy. I want it face to face. Can you imagine pouring all of this out via zoom and the dcs suddenly appearing. Again, covid has postponed this, I need to pour all of this out to a living person, not connected to my daily life.

Sorry for the epic post!

@Daphnesmate01 counselling sounds like a good idea, some counsellors are working face to face now so it's worth asking! Failing that, I think that Zoom is still better than nothing although of course you need to find a way of doing it confidentially. I've done loads of phone calls from outside the house during the lockdown so it can be done if you're desperate enough (I was!)

@TheWashingMachine
I love the small business analogy too!

@Daphnesmate01 , please confide in your friends. No ones life is a bed of roses and they will want to listen if they are good friends. There is a strength to be found in openness i think .

I'm nearly 18 months down the line from deciding to leave a 17 year marriage due to the reasons mentioned on this thread.

Two DD, DH like a third child with BIG JOB (I earned more but somehow it wasn't as "important" ) and absolutely sick of keeping all the balls in the air juggling kids, work, house, school, finances, extended families, etc, etc.

The straw that broke the camel's back was my mother's sudden death and his lack of empathy and support. He just didn't get it, I was expected to get over it in a week or so.

It's been a hard time, I had to leave the family home in early 2020 as he wouldn't leave, he just moved to the spare room until I stopped being silly.

Kids have been unsettled but doing well now. Divorce rumbles on as he won't engage with solicitors. He is so bitter, says terrible things to the kids and somedays I wonder if all this pain has been worth it.

However, I now see his true colours. In a way, though, it makes you question your whole past. I can't remember the good times.

I feel I've got to show my DD that women deserve to be treated equitably. In some ways, he's done more with the kids in the past 12 months when he has them than in the previous 10 years so they ultimately benefit from that. Though the new Disney dad persona is hard for me to swallow.

I won't pretend it easy, I have days I find it hard going, wondering what the future holds.

The thought of retirement with him terrified me. All he wanted to do was potter in his garage, I would have had to carve my own life out anway, then come home and make his dinner and wash his clothes.

I am in this boat with you all. 20 years of marriage. It's so desperately sad. I just keep plodding on, avoiding him as much as possible, living without any passion, joy, excitement or love. But he is a lovely man, kind and all the rest of it. I wish he'd tell me it's over. Why is it down to me?

It's heartbreaking reading all these stories. I am in the same boat, no sex in ten years, and he got us into terrible debt.

The thought of growing old with him makes my heart clench with fear.

But we have two DC. He knows but has his head in the sand. I need to be brave. This is not a relationship I want to model for my children.

Sleeping in the same bed with his snoring and farting is becoming intolerable. 😢.

I don't think it is easy telling people in real life, I would much rather tell my troubles to a complete stranger.

Can I ask, who do you have in your life who actually really cares about you? With no parents/siblings, I only have the dc (not yet adult). I do have a couple of friends and they do care to an extent - but it feels with dh distant, another layer has been stripped away and I get the very on my own feeling.

I am not in the same boat OP, but I think where there has been passion and connection and shared humour then sometimes it can be restored, it is when someone realises that they never really had those things that a relationship has no future.

I understand that fear of being alone, but I feel really lonely a lot of the time in my relationship so I guess I wonder which is worse?
Mismouse I understand about having a kind man, I wonder sometimes if it's me and I'm just looking for something that doesn't exist...maybe after 20 years having someone kind and loyal is actually pretty good. I just don't know how to get things how I need them to be ie with mire connection, sex etc when we have such different emotional needs..

I am in the same boat; married 20 years; together nearly 30. He is all I have ever known.

I have been deeply unhappy for many years despite rounds of marriage counselling but am paralysed in actually leaving. On paper He is a good man, hard worker, attractive, but there is no emotional connection and I am no longer love him as I should. We are poles apart and like people say it's "death by a thousand cuts"

So many times I have wanted to leave but I am a coward who can't walk away. I often say to myself "surely it has to be horrendous to justify leaving" but all I know is that I have tried so hard to make this work and I'm exhausted. There is nothing left. It's pathetic that it will take him to call it a day before we call it a day.

My teen DCs are the only reason I am still here but are now the same age as I was when my DPs acrimoniously divorced and it ripped me apart.
I can't bear the thought of putting them through the same especially with DS's GCSEs looming.

DH knows we are not right but says he adores me and sticks his head in the sand. Wish I could either find a backbone or wave a magic wand to get me out of this. i can't get any unhappier; not remotely interested in another relationship, just want to be on my own with my DC.