Please help me to help DD

[Starbrightstarlight]

Have NC for this, but long term MN user/lurker. Long story shortish.

DD has a group of friends she has known since sixth form. They are now all in their early twenties.This group (usually about eight give or take one or two)got together a few weeks ago at an event - all went well and much “we must all get together again”. Fast forward to this weekend and DD notices that all bar herself and one other have gathered for another event. Turns out it is the belated birthday event of one of the group, and DD established that the other non attendee (A) had been invited but wasn’t able to attend. That left just her, feeling rotten.

She texted birthday girl (B) to say she hoped that the event had gone well, but she had felt hurt to have to see it unfold like this. Could have accepted not being invited, but for no-one to have even mentioned it or seem to have considered her feelings at all was beyond shitty.

Got a non-apology “sorry that you feel...” from B, which contained at least one lie about arrangements (conversation with friend A had confirmed this).

DD is distraught. She thought these people were friends, and is struggling to come to terms with what is at best a very insensitive and thoughtless act. She has a lot on her plate at the moment (health issues including anxiety and threat of redundancy to name two) and now feels it is her fault, she shouldn’t have said anything, she has no friends.

I have talked to her (extremely gently) about how you teach people how to treat you, and saying that she was hurt was no bad thing. She can see that the non-apology is minimising both her feelings and B’s responsibility, and understands what I mean when I say to her that when people show you who they are, you should believe them. She is just struggling to deal with the reality of it. One of the group even messaged her this morning, looking for sympathy from DD because her car had broken down ffs.

I am very worried, and short of listening to her, hugging her, making tea and being there I don’t know how to help her through this.

In life you meet new friends along the way and loose some. It’s actually a blessing. There will be times when you have to cut people off and other times new people enter your life.

When your young I think it’s a lot easier to make friends as you tend to have a very good social life and you tend to be care free.

A group of 8 is quite large. How many out of 8ish is DD quite close with? Maybe just explain less is more and people do let you down in life even though you don’t expect it at times.

Please remind DD that it isn’t all 8 who left her out, just B.

In a group of friends there are always some bonds that are stronger than others. There are probably others in the group that would put your DD at the top of their invite list.

Over time the weaker bonds in these groups often fall away as people start to meet 1-1 or in smaller groups. They choose the ones they feel they have the stronger bonds with.

It’s hurtful of course to be the only one left out, and shitty of B, but perhaps your DD could regard this as a sign that the group is starting to evolve into the next phase of individual friendships.

Resilience is an absolutely key life lesson. If I could rewind my life I’d ensure I was robust enough to deal with stuff like this as it would upset me so I understand your dd’s hurt. However the hurt is just reinforcing a belief that she holds: she’s not good enough, she’s not likeable. That is why it’s hard to deal with - on some level, perhaps completely unconsciously, she thinks they are right to exclude her. She’s wrong of course but she needs to really know that. Confidence, self belief, love from family and a wide diverse set of friends are vital. Especially the diverse both- friends from school aren’t all that. She should widen the net.

Thanks all. She is actually very resilient - bounced back after many a knock-back and health issue without complaint. This is just the final straw. She has widened the net (you are quite right Goodbye) but sees this group as her closest friends - and yes, they do meet up in smaller groups too - all fine.

I agree that moving on will be a blessing in so many ways - it just may take her a bit of time to see it that way.