How to come to terms with the time wasted/years from bad mistakes?

[WebWindbag]

Tonight, I realised that the thing that gets me the most/eats away at my core is the time wasted, the years that I spent so much energy trying for little result, and that those were such important and defining years - having nothing to show for it at 58.

About 15 years ago I met a man in another country. After visiting him for a couple of years, I moved to his country and gave up everything, left it all behind where I was from. Friends, family, lifestyle.

Things were great for awhile. We got married, found a great job and was flying high. Seemed like I had it all and was on top of the world.

Things fell apart when he became unemployed and refused to look for work. After 2 years of carrying everything myself, we decided to move across the country. Moving seemed to reset everything; at least temporarily. We moved again to the city for my work. He was still unemployed. He wasn’t looking.

I kept saying this was it and I was going to leave him; Not saying it to him but inside myself and then things would get a little better and I held off.

Things weren’t going all that well in the new city anyway. I’d left the friends I’d made behind and found it hard to make new friends. My DH was my only friend. You can probably see where this is heading.

Around April, I noticed he was becoming distant and spending a lot of time online. One day I walked past where he was sitting, and he quickly closed his screen. I was sitting out in the garden, knowing something was definitely wrong. He got up to go to the toilet. I went into look on his computer, and behind a window was fb messenger. He was having an intense conversation with a woman, slagging me off saying how terrible I was and he felt trapped.

My heart sunk.I quickly made a few screenshots and sent them to myself and went back out.

Eventually I confronted him and it was just terrible. We fought and fought over several months and finally he moved out and we separated.

I fell into a very deep dark long period of depression.
Here I had moved across the world and coming to the realisation that I had made him my entire world. So for the past 2 years, I’ve been stuck.

It took awhile to stop missing him and get over him but I feel so betrayed and lost. I stopped working because of my depression. I started meds and therapy and this has gone on for the 2 years of trying to get even a spark of life back.

I wanted to go home but I’d been gone over a decade and things were different. My parents had passed away. My siblings although friendly, I don’t feel they want me around. My grown children have lives of their own and I feel they don’t want me around either. Nobody ever says come visit Mum. I’d love to see you.

This is all my fault but there are so many days where I can’t help but feel cheated in life because of my mistakes. Here I am still completely alone in this country, not really knowing where to go or what to do with my life.

I feel like a failure and have such severe trust issues, I hesitate to apply for jobs. I hesitate to make new friends. Both out of fear of rejection. I don’t know where to go. If I should continue to stay here or try to move back to my home country and start over.

I think that is my main question. How do I even begin to start over again? How to figure out where I want to be? Figure out how to be confident in work again. Figure out how to make even a single friend

Any advice or experiences would really be appreciated! as tonight seems to be more hard to bear than usual.

Just start with now. Try to cultivate mindfulness. Try to be really present in your present. I battle similar feelings of waste and despair. I particularly struggle to escape negative childhood memories. I read Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now. It has a powerful simple message that to be truly happy we must not look to the past or future but be in the present. I'm 51.

It sounds like you are experiencing loneliness. I am too.

I'm hand holding, I know that feeling when a night feels overwhelmingly difficult

Wiser people than me will be along shortly, but I do want to point out that you have had professional success before so you can find it again. Could you do it freelance perhaps?

Could you make a list of all the places in the world you have ever fancied living - where holds the most appeal for you? I think friendships will follow naturally once you have a plan and choose somewhere to base yourself from, and feel excited about your plans.

Maybe therapy would help, sounds like the bigger issue is whatever caused you to run away with that man in the first place.

I am so sorry that you feel alone.
I empathize with the 'wasted years' scenario.
I wonder if there are opportunities to volunteer in some capacity?
Making connections in this way maybe easier than 'finding friends', and volunteering might naturally lead to friendships when bonding over shared causes. Just a thought.

As I read your post I thought 'what a life lived!' as I was reading. In between the pain and heartbreak there was a strong woman who took a risk to move to a new country and strove to keep her career and relationship going. She hasn't disappeared because of betrayal and loss. She is still in there. You write beautifully and descriptively. Don't give up on therapy. Or yourself. You haven't wasted a single second, neither living that former life or the past two years of depression as you try and process pain. Keep writing, keep going. Find out how to reconnect with yourself. You seem fab. Good luck.

Baby steps. Re-build one step at a time. I'm 57.

It's ironic to me knowing people harshly judge some of the things I did in my 20's and assume I regret it. They don't realize it was in those "bad decision" times where I felt most alive. Took awhile for me to realize that. It takes away some of the risk and worry of my next steps now that I am older.

Remember that those years and experiences all contributed to the rich tapestry that is you.

Like a pp I am more than a little awestruck at your courage. My regrets are the places I didn’t go, the risks I didn’t take.
You sound like an amazing and inspiring woman. I know you’re wounded right now, and hurting.

He wasn’t worthy of you. But somehow those are the ones that hurts most. It’s an abuse of your kindness and compassion as well as everything else.

Give yourself time now. I know if feels in short supply but friendships grow slower as we get older, and trust is a slow rebuild.

Somehow your post puts me in mind if Brene Brown. If you’d like to read (or listen)to something at this time you might resonate to Rising Strong

How old were your DCs when you moved away? Were they closely part of your adventures?

Do you have grandchildren now?

What specifically do you regret? Did you give up / compromise specific relationships for this one man?

Sounds like he was worth it for a period at least. Can you take strength from the fun, love and career success that you had with him and see it as a chapter in your life.....and a new one is about to start?

Take stock of where you are now. Think of what you have learnt, how you have grown emotionally, who you are now and what defines you? Then start fantasying about the next chapter of your life and planning it.....do all that online, keep up with your therapist and one day soon the clouds will lift and it will be clear where your next chapter will be.

Just do it!
Start again. What does starting again mean?
It means freedom. It is never too late to get the most out of yr freedom. Rome wasnt built in a day. Just value the small and simple pleasures.

It might be that your children have got used to you not being in the country, but they could get used to you being back again. Would you like to see more of them?

My dad died last year. He had a particularly tricky relationship with my sister but in the last 2 years of his life they really rebuilt it and saw a lot of each other, it made them both happy. You have lots of time for this to happen.

There aren't any guarantees. If you would like to go home, do. Take your time and be open to new things in an old place.

I agree with what everyone else is saying but one thing popped out at me - you left your family for over 10 yrs and realise they appear to be not that bothered about you now. I don't know if your parents died suddenly or had long illnesses, or how often you visited. There could be resentment that you were not around. Even grown up kids need their parents and maybe they felt abandoned, so don't be surprised they don't fall over themselves for you to visit. I think it would do you the world of good to come home and slowly build on your family relationships. It's never too late. What is stopping you?

I'd try to rebuild my relationships with my children and family.

I think expecting them to make the running is a bit unreasonable.

I don’t think OP is expecting them to do that - she just feels sad about feeling so isolated and alone.

While I was reading your post OP, I was also - like a pp - thinking that going home might be good for you? Rebuilding a life in the proximity of your family and seeing how that goes?

Thank you all. I’m a bit overwhelmed at the replies. I'll get to everyone as soon as I’m able. Everyone is so helping and it’s making me really think about everything.

@Geppili
Yes, the despair and loneliness. Sometimes it feels like being enveloped in the darkest storm cloud; the type that slowly crosses the sky in silence. I’ve heard of that book but haven’t read it. I decided to get it. I mean why not.

I think what I truly want is to go home. Everyone lives in different areas now across the country. I don’t know where home would be. I miss them all so.

@ShuddaCudda You’re right. It does feel overwhelming at times. I’ve had much professional success but so low confidence, I feel even afraid to try. My interview skills have turned to mushy peas. So rarely speaking to anyone in person, but a few checkout workers. Been working on my resume for months but it becomes so overwhelming, it never gets finished. Trying to find the perfect phrases, nothing feels good enough. If I had the money, I would try working with a career coach; even just for accountability and to bounce ideas off and do mock interviews.

There are places I still want to visit. A bucket list of sorts. It’s sad as I was somewhat well traveled before all this. There are places I’ve thought about moving to for work. Germany is one. I don’t speak German. I’ve tried the app Duolingo, just to get a start and my DSis is fluent in German so I could have conversations with her. So I do it for a few days and stop. :(
An adventure might do me good but then I fear I would just stay in my room except for work and of course wouldn’t be any different than where I am right now.

@RednaxelasLunch Yes, I’ve been in therapy off and on for awhile. How I ended up here with my exH seemed to be fated in a way. It went so smoothly and the timing added up. My 1st DH passed away. It took awhile to grieve and get my life sorted around. I started talking to exDH when I wasn’t looking for anyone. I was focused on my career and living life. Thinking back, maybe I like the idea of a big goal. How many 40 something women pack up a couple of cases and move to the other side of the world?

@motherschild Where I live, we’re in lockdown, so not sure how many volunteer opportunities there are unless they would be online.

@Leafy12 Thanks. I’m blushing. When you say it like that, I sound more like a cool cat than a wilted wallflower. :) The real me has to be in here somewhere.

@OldWomanSaysThis Interesting how others want to judge and criticise when they are only comparing us to themselves. Can they not see that even with our supposed faults and blunders, that we are not without goodness too. Did the miss the times we smiled graciously at their attempt at humour or when we apologise and they don’t.

Just wanted to say, 'hi, hang on, you can start afresh, it will be ok.' Going to read the posts now.

Op, you want to go home! Plan to do it! Plan to build relationships with sibs and children. How old were your DC when you left and did you not see them at all?

Wow you courageously went off to another country landing a great job, then moved to another city and another good job.

And now the world's your oyster. You can do this again., you need to make a plan.

I'd either pick somewhere in the world you've always liked the idea of living - and try for a job there if you fancy a bit more globetrotting. Or, as you think you might want to come 'home' plot where all your relatives and family live on a map and then pick somewhere nice to live that's not too far distant / is sufficiently independently distant if you wish - and see what work you can find near there. Or can be done from home - in which case pick the views! My oldest sister is just retired and about to relocate to the peak district, a same size house as they're used to but with an amazing view, with her DH. They know it won't be a forever home, but they'll enjoy it till the decrepit enough to need to downsize and move back into a town. I'm looking forward to visiting.

I don't know if it's affordable for you but I went into therapy some months after my husband died and I'm still seeing my therapist though less often. It's a LOT of money but not an absolutely impossible amount - I'm lucky to be able to afford it but I'm not rolling in money. I would really, really recommend it.