I hate my stbxh

[sophmum31]

Hi All,

Not sure why I am posting this but I feel so stressed and unhappy am hoping getting it off my chest may help.

My stbxh moved out in June after 10 years married, 18 together and 2 children. He has controlled me for a long time through his behaviour but never been violent. I was glad when he left as my life was very much walking on eggshells wondering what he would be upset about next and there were long periods of sulking (weeks). He was also financially controlling and has made sure that anything of value (including the house) is solely in his name.

I’ve since told him I don’t want to get back together and wish to divorce. I feel really strong about my decision and I know it’s the right thing to do BUT since he left he has stepped up the control and life is almost unbearable.

He still pays the mortgage and most of the bills for the marital home (where I am with the kids) and gives me £350 a month towards the kids. (He earns around £50k).

He insists on coming here to work Almost every day (legally I can’t stop him coming and going) Takes every opportunity when he is here to insult me, my parenting and my decisions. I also work from home and am so on edge all of the time he is here I find it very difficult to concentrate. He continually interrupts me when I’m working to berate me about whatever he feels I am doing wrong in trying to divorce him. I have had to leave the house on 3 occasions now because I have felt so attacked.

He wanted me to return a piece of paper on which I had written some bank account information and when I wouldn’t return it he took my laptop so I was unable to leave. My dad got involved at this point and tried to calm him down.

Since the conversations he had with my dad he has completely taken against him. To the point where my dad can’t come to my house anymore in case he is there as I am worried it will become physical.

He has cctv installed since before he left and uses this to watch my comings and goings. He then uses any info he can against me. He makes sure I know what he has seen (I literally do nothing) things like, I saw your bff pop round with someone I didn’t know and they stayed for 15 minutes - he has also told me I can’t have anyone to the home. I have unplugged the cctv today as I’ve got so fed up with the situation and he is sending me texts asking me to turn it back on. I’m Now shaking in fear that he is going to turn up at the house to force me to plug it in.

This week he has sent me a formal email he says on instruction of his solicitor demanding my parents return a set of keys they have had for 12 years and they use when they are caring for our children when I have to go out to work. And also demanding the return of the piece of paper I wrote the financial details on. If I’m honest I would give them back as I’m scared of the reaction but my parents are saying this is him continuing to control me and unless I stop it he will continue and there will be something else he demands next.

He swans off for days on end and refuses to tell me where he is (I don’t care at all but if I knew at least I would know if I can relax). I’m sitting here jumping at every car door and wishing I could escape. My solicitor has advised me to contact the local woman’s charity and I am going to speak with them on Monday.

What’s so special about the piece of paper? How can you be forced to hand it over? How bizarre. What an awful situation.

You need to find out what your rights are in this situation so you can enforce some boundaries. The women's org us a good step, or what about the Rights of Women? They give specialist legal advice.

This sounds horrible OP. Yes, speak to the women's charity on Monday. Only you can judge his likely response to your refusals to bow to his demands - it's very easy to say, 'no don't do that' as your parents are right, there will always be something else, and giving in shows him that it's a behaviour that he can make work for him. However if you are in fear of your physical safety I wouldn't know how to answer that. Have you been writing down what he has been doing?

It sounds like it's maybe time to go to the police now - if you think the CCTV is being used maliciously perhaps they can have a word with him about that (and trying to deprive you of your property).

(And I wouldn't for one second believe his email has any legal weight behind it. He would have got his solicitor to communicate that if it was legit.)

@JosephineDeBeauharnais when we were first separated I wrote down some of his bank account balances because he is so obsessed with money I knew he would try and hide some. Hes now not only obsessed with money but the piece of paper I wrote it on!

Take a photo of the piece of paper and email it to yourself as well, just in case you find it goes missing

Film yourself on the CCTV burning the piece of paper, give him the V's, put a jumper over the CCTV and change the locks.

OMG what a horrible man. Stay strong OP as you will enjoy life so much more soon. He can't stop you divorcing him.

@SkiingIsHeaven has great advice btw!!!! What a twat he sounds

I'd contact the police about the CCTV to. Its coercive control and is a crime.

The house might be solely in his name but you are still entitled to your share.

Is there any way you can just move out? Small flat or house for you and kids? Borrow deposit from parents? He will continue to control you as long as you are there.
I know many will tell you to stay in the family home but is it worth it for your mental health? You can fight for your divorce settlement from elsewhere.

@SkiingIsHeaven , I love that! TheI old me 18 years ago would’ve done that. I’m trying to find her again.

My solicitor thinks it is coercive control so hopefully I will get some good advice on Monday. I just wish he would f%k off!

Get legal advice about your rights op.
As you were married, you might find you are entitled to a financial settlement, his pension and if it is the children family home, you might dont even have to move.
I also inderstand it is his house but he can't walk in and out of "your home" as he pleases and certainly the cctv has to go.

He sounds like a total twat. Big hugs. you did well to tell him you wanted a divorce.

Am lost for words. A dreadful situation and I just hope that you stay strong and move away from an unbelievable selfish and aggressive manchild. What a joke of a husband.

@sophmum31 stay strong.

I really hope there is enough evidence to get an occupation order served.

Will there be enough equity in the house and pension for you to keep the house?

Would it be worth considering moving out into rented for your own piece of mind if you can't get an occupation order?

I would have an accident with the CCTV, can you unplug it or change the WiFi code whenever he isn't there so can't view it?

Copy the banking info onto 2 other bits of paper. Give the original to your solicitor, a copy to your parents and give him a copy but say it's the original. Save a photo as well. There's clearly something important on it.
Try to get an occupation order for the house.
If you fear for your safety call the police. You can also get your number / address prioritised by the police if you talk to the DV team.

Why are you living under the agreement??? It sounds so oppressive

Have you talked to a solicitor yourself? If not, write down everything you can - all the financials, the care he does for children, and all his controlling acts - and get to one asap. Send the info first or early to get better value for money (ignore all the 'free half hour' crap advice often given on here, you will guaranteed need more than that. Can your parents help pay for now?)

Meant to add - you might well get an occupation order (my sister did) - then you can legally change the locks and have him out. Right now you can't, unfortunately.