My mother is hysterical

[Juniperroot]

I'm close to my Mum, mainly because I've needed her at times and I've always felt quite lonely.
I've been going through a separation with my husband throughout lockdown and we also have 2 young children together. DM is having mental health issues as a consequence of a string of bereavements, challenges and disappointments in her life. I am trying to offer support to her, whilst seeking support from her for myself, but now and then she sends really hysterical messages about funeral songs and things like that.
I never reply and try to ignore it.
My friends will also comment on her latest social media proclamations which are often vaguely depressing, dramatic and attention seeking.
Having moved away from my home town (around 3 hours away) 5 years ago, I can see that I used to be quite hysterical too and can see exactly where it came from. I feel much more balanced since I've moved away and have had lots of therapy to help me manage life better.
We're close and speak on the phone most days, I'm glad I have her around to help me and at times, her support is wonderful. But other times, I'm frustrated by her hysterical dramatics which seem to be spurred on when she's had a glass of wine. She knows I don't like it.
Part of me also feels like, no matter what I've had going on in my life, she's always has some drama going on which means she isn't able to be of full support to me. I've probably attracted enough drama myself over the years, but going through this separation with young children is really testing me.
I don't know why I'm posting.
I wish I had supportive parents like some of you have. Maybe I wouldn't be going through this separation if I had and would have made better choices. Maybe my mum is part of the reason I'm going through this in the first place, because she has never been fully there for me? Maybe I'd have picked a better husband in the first place. How can I rely on her to support me when she's so all over the place herself? Sometimes, I feel like the wiser one, having to offer her advice and not the other way around.

You have my sympathy, and a lot of your story sounds similar to mine.Some of the following may resonate, or not. I have mostly accepted that my DM is not able to support me. She is nearly 80 and very unlikely to change at this point. I am still sad about it, but I have good friends and we are mutually supportive, in a respectful boundaried way. I too felt the same about my divorce, but have remarried in my 50's and am happier. My relationship with my DM is still a work in progress.

I get you OP.
I’ve come to the conclusion that some people regress to being like a toddler as they age. They become very insecure and frightened of things, and the fears and worries become the focus for their life. This is then all they can talk about because it gives them attention.

Yeah, my mum is a big toddler. She always has something terrible going on. Mostly self-inflicted whether directly or indirectly.

Daily calls are not good for you.

Being her therapist is not good for you (nor for her).

I would recommend grey rock. You may be fuelling the drama unintentionally by giving it oxygen in the phone calls. I note you mentioned giving her advice. Don't. When my mum starts I make vague sympathetic noises that's all. oh dear; poor you; what a shame; that does sound difficult; what will you do; I don't know; no idea; oh well never mind; good luck; I am sure you will think of something

I think because I'm so lonely in my marriage and haven't been able to rely on friends recently, I've needed those daily chats and that shoulder to lean on. She can be wonderfully supportive (at times).

Then sometimes, she needs to lean on me and I feel like I owe the favour back. She has told me that the world is punishing her and I really need to say to her "no, you made these choices, that is why you are struggling and the problem is your choices, not the world."
But if I said that, I don't think she would continue allowing me offload to her about DH so regularly.

You are both adults and really shouldn't be so heavily reliant on each other for support.

Don't you ever have a nice calm phone call where you just chat and don't moan at each other?

It all sounds a bit intense and toxic. Can you cut the phone calls down to a couple of times a week at a time when you know she'll be sober?

It sounds like you expect all her support but don't want to support her.

You're an adult as is she. You sound just as demanding emotionally as she is. Your OP is all about your needs. Maybe she has some too, which is fine. Only you can decide if you can spare emotional energy supporting her. Clearly she has given you lots over the years but maybe right now she can't.

The way you've written your post op is rather unforgiving of your DM. It sounds like you want her to be of use to you, while not being comfortable being of use to her. She's allowed to be flawed and emotional. She's a person as well as a mother and her existence isn't solely in relation to yours ie. You blame your previous hysteria on learned behaviour from DM and now that behaviour annoys you in her. Well pat yourself on the back for self improving but use that self awareness to be more understanding of her, not critical

Can you get a therapist to offload onto?

That sounds very intense. I would drop any imaginations about everyone else's fantasy relationships with their supportive mothers as you have no idea of the nuts and bolts of other relationships, just focus on your own. I would recommend a therapist as well. Your Mum isn't your surrogate partner and neither should you be hers.