I don't know how to start this, and I am fearful it could go into a rambling mess, but I will start...
I am growing increasingly resentful of my immediate family. My mother, brothers, sisters (the youngest one who I always adored) and even my father... To the point I just think about walking away from them all.
My mother has always been self absorbed and looks obsessed.... Incapable of talking to you without bringing it back to her, her appearance, weight etc. As the chubby one in the family, this was soul destroying growing up. I was always made to feel I wasn't good enough. She told me boys would like me if they were special enough to see what was inside me, that I wasn't blessed like my sisters. The women are all physically very attractive in my family. Very attractive. I missed that boat unfortunately.
My two brothers are different but the relationships I find draining. One has a personality disorder and does not work but expects everyone to look after him. Yet in a lot of ways, so do my mother and sister.
The other, I would say is as damaged from our upbringing as I am and has kept himself distant but we maintain a good relationship but solely on his terms.
My youngest sister(I also have a step sister the same age as me) who I basically found myself raising despite her being just a year younger, is now becoming more and more like my mother. Looks are everything. She lives for male approval. She has a lot of casual sex outside her marriage. Strangely, she and our mother do not get on at all. They don't talk. I remember my mother being the same, flirting and touching men, peacocking for their approval.
There are 6 grandchildren between us. 4 of them have autism diagnoses. My older brother is seeking an adult diagnosis. I see my mothers behaviour and can see the signs there. My first DS who was diagnosed 15 years ago, acts in much the same way as my mother, brother and sister in that he can't cope with any kind of stress and runs away). I am of the view that it runs through my mother's side of the family. I could detail lots of stories, poor decision making, things I have had to fix or things I was too young to fix, so we suffered. Emotionally, physically, mentally...
Everyone though relies on me. I am often told I am the glue that holds everything together. If there is a problem, they all call. I or my DH fix it, we move on. Doesn't really matter what the problem is, from rent arrears, to broken bathroom doors , to advice on getting a refund or calling a doctor. Basic life stuff. They all struggle.
Sometimes the autism element is a comfort, I tell myself it isn't their fault. But, other times and more and more lately, I just can't stand it. I want to run away. I am nearly 40 and I am sick of appearing to be the only one with any kind of coping skills. They all live in cloud cuckoo land.
I am the only one out of all of the kids on my mother's side, who has a relatively normal life. I have a good enough job, bought a house, learned to drive... Despite what they view as my unattractiveness, I have managed to get boyfriends, get married. I stay faithful. I have good friends. A great life in a lot of respects. I should be happy. We are luckier than most.
My older DS is 22 now and living with his GF and distant, and that hurts but he has always been like that. I see him growing up the sane as my brother, mother and sister though... Unable to cope and always having to be looked after. Lashing out if it is suggested they try and do something for themselves.
I don't know what I am saying... I think I need counselling. I feel so resentful lately. They all expect so much and yet if I say anything they explode. See it as me criticising, or call me stuck up. I am so angry at my mum. For making me feel so ugly (feelings that still run deep), for allowing a situation where I raised my younger siblings, and for failing to acknowledge any of this. My father moved away when we were little, he blames himself for how we all turned out. I kind of blame him too.
I don't think I am explaining this well... Would counselling help in this situation? They won't change, I will have to change to cope, but I just feel resentful about going through therapy so that I can accommodate them... I don't know what the answer is.