Why am I not tactile?

[TwixTwixtwoo]

DH has always complained that I'm not affectionate enough and it's recently become even more of an issue for him due to some other problems in our relationship. He's right, I am very self contained and neither invite nor initiate physical contact with anyone if I can help it.

I'm not massively uncomfortable with it (with people I'm close to at least), I just don't seem to need or want it and genuinely wouldn't notice if no one hugged me for months on end. I don't even hug DD (12) anymore, I kiss her goodnight every night but I can't remember the last time I hugged her.

Now DH has shone a light on it I can see it's probably not normal and I'd quite like to understand why I've ended up like this. I can obviously make an effort to form new habits but it feels very awkward and unnatural. I don't come from a huggy family but I do seem to have taken that to the extreme and it's clearly an issue for my DH and maybe even DD later down the line so I'd quite like to understand where it might be coming from.

Anyone any theories? Am I as abnormal as I feel or is it ok to not be tactile (other than making the changes DH needs)? Am I damaging DD and setting her up for problems later in life if she turns out like me?

You are what you are OP. What qualities do you have that are special to you ? Not everyone is tactile. My bloke isn't

This was me. Ex husband hated my lack of being tactile, need to be alone at times, and intense focus on specific things to the exclusion of others.

I was diagnosed with Asperger's at 49. Do you have any other traits? It is ridiculously common that females are diagnosed late, whilst men are normally diagnosed as kids, to the extent that the course I am doing for newly diagnosed people are all women over 30.

I’m like this doesn’t even enter my head to stop and have a cuddle usually.

I felt unwell the other day and to deflect from the kids wanting me to do stuff for them I kept asking for a cuddle. It actually felt really nice and reminded me again that I’m just not a cuddler.

I’m also not from an overly affectionate family but still felt 100% loved, supported, cared for etc so I wouldn’t worry too much about it with your daughter. If she knows she is loved and supported.

As for DH maybe try to make a joke out of it to help with the awkward feeling, make a song & dance of hugging him squeeze him etc but tell him how you feel and why so he doesn’t think you’re taking the piss. You will get used to it then and maybe start to enjoy it

I'm the same, it just doesn't cross my mind to be tactile. I didn't realise my ex had such an issue about it until he said that was the reason he cheated on me

I'm trying to be more tactile but I think it's just the way I am, and I'm glad that there are more people out there who are the same.

I'm also not tactile and hugs make me feel very claustrophobic. I personally don't think there is anything wrong with us - I think it is just a personality thing. I came from quite a loving, tactile family, had a happy childhood and my parents and sister are very huggy etc - I'm the odd one out. I feel very confident it is not Aspergers in my case.

I do sometimes feel a bit bad for my DH but he knows what I am like and I try to make sure he knows how much I love him notwithstanding the fact that I am not big on touching or cuddling. It works for us (so far!). I wouldn't torture yourself over this OP

I'm not tactile either, and I think it's a lot more common (especially in the UK) than we're led to believe. I read about people who are upset because lockdown means that they haven't hugged anyone in months, and I just feel a sort of polite bafflement! I only really hug friends and family when it's expected in a social situation, not because I really want a hug, iyswim. I don't have ASD, I'm simply a self-contained type of person.

Don't try to be something you're not, OP. You don't have to be constantly touching someone to demonstrate that you love them.