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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What Should I do

14 replies

Tally23 · 04/09/2020 23:58

Backstory is that we have been together 3.5yrs. I have 2 DD and was single for most of their lives. Met him3 years ago he has 2 DC who are lovely although I do struggle with lack of work ethic from his DS 18 who is a bit daft, telling us all about his sexual conquests, no job etc. Do has depression and anxiety which translates into time off work, always blaming himself etc. I have a great job and work really hard to support us all but resent coming home and cooking cleaning etc every night. DSC only come once a fortnight but we have a big rented house together and I so everything plus do up my own house hoping to rent out. We have had some awful arguments with him calling me a C**t and badmouthing me.
My eldest dad is off to uni and he has been horrid- accusing me of fancying her boyfriend and being OTT with her mates.
He struggles with his own self esteem and I feel like I’ve been very compliant And tried not to antagonise but he’s been screaming at me tonight telling me all of my faults and not listening.
I was in my own for 9 years and built up a career and a life which I hope he’d add to but every day is a battle about how he feels his mood etc.
Don’t know what I’m asking but surely life shouldn’t be this hard?
I have a house in my name which need a refurb- he won’t help me and we rent a lovely house together. He is still married and won’t tell me what he earns or plan anything with me. He hates himself:: drinks loads, has put in weight etc and I’m no oil painting but I don’t want this.
After 8 years alone I’m glad to have a partner and at 51 I worry he is my only chance. I also do not want to move as I love our rented house and it’s helped my kids no end after years of being I a 2 up 2 down.
God- what can I do? I am so together professionally but this is something else!!!

OP posts:
BitGutted · 05/09/2020 00:12

What a bloody pantomime!
Do yourself a favour and take your kids back to your house and let them get on with it they sound mad as a box of frogs!

SandyY2K · 05/09/2020 00:37

What with the depression...anxiety...accusing you of fancying your DDs boyfriend and swearing at you during arguments would be enough reason to call time on the relationship.

How much value is he adding to your life?

Anordinarymum · 05/09/2020 00:52

Question is.. will it get any better. Is this as good as it gets ? Will he change ?

trexraptor · 05/09/2020 10:18

If that was my only chance vs being single forever I'd drop him like a hot stone and join a convent.

Honestly he sounds awful. What does he bring into your life?

I was in my own for 9 years and built up a career and a life which I hope he’d add to but every day is a battle about how he feels his mood etc.

^ read your own words. You have worked bloody hard and became your own independent person and he's tearing it all down. Soon you'll be a shell of who you were because he's worn you down so much. It will all be about him and his moods and you will spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells.

He is still married and won’t tell me what he earns or plan anything with me.

^ again your own words. I'm guessing you have been open and honest with him regarding your side? He's a dick.

SuitedandBooted · 05/09/2020 13:03

He is an abusive, gas-lighting, lazy leech.

Is this all you think you are worth? He is destroying you. It won't get better. It's 3.5 years in, why would he change? You've accepted it for this long

One daughter will be spending most of her time at university now - move back to your house for now (even if it is smaller). Once you have ALL your income for only YOUR family (and not your lazy partner and his son) you can reassess.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/09/2020 13:32

Go home!

Regroup. Get your self esteem back.

Sod him!

category12 · 05/09/2020 13:40

Really, having a man at all costs, no matter how awful, is better than being on your own? Confused

category12 · 05/09/2020 13:58

I mean, sorry, but it's not exactly the dream is it? "This might be the last chance I have to be truly miserable with someone!"

If it's any comfort, my mum at 70-odd still has blokes sniffing round. So it's not the case that he's your one chance of unhappiness.

Pet8 · 05/09/2020 14:10

Please leave him OP.

Nanny0gg · 05/09/2020 14:33

What the hell are you doing with him?
How low is your bar set?

After 8 years alone I’m glad to have a partner and at 51 I worry he is my only chance.
He's not a 'chance'. What's making you 'glad'? Both he and his offspring are horrible!

Bunnymumy · 05/09/2020 14:47

Basically he is a total dick.

If someone called me a cunt, I'd be off. No one who respects you would speak to you like this. Let alone be accusing you of liking your daughters bf ect...

As pp have said, set your bar higher.

Wanderingstars4238 · 05/09/2020 14:50

You can do better. In fact I think some of the happiest couples are older ones, who have matured, learned their mistakes, and know what they're looking for in a partner.
At my last job I knew a couple who met in their mid 60s, became joined at the hip instantly, and were very happy together.

But being single is better than what you currently have.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/09/2020 14:53

Come on, op. At your age you should be able to see the writing on the wall surely. Get rid of this arsehole and raise your standards by about a mile.

user12642379742146 · 05/09/2020 15:00

He sounds pretty damn abusive. Why is your bar set so low?

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