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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DF in emotionally abusive relationship - reading recommendations?

4 replies

OrlaPeely · 04/09/2020 23:02

My dad is in an emotionally abusive relationship - he had told me this himself. He is a kind, generous and loving father and grandfather.

His GF is toxic, critical and jealous, and regularly sabotages the rare time DF gets with family (he lives in a different country). They don't live together, but she plans to move to his country soon.

I know that only he can decide to change things. He had a difficult childhood and some traumatic experiences in early adulthood.

I'd like to recommend him some books or websites to read - to help him to recognise that the emotional abuse he experiences is not his fault, and to support him to put boundaries in place which might help protect his mental health.

I'd love him to leave but I think that's unlikely, sadly. The behaviour is very subtle and often enabled by others around her trying not to rock the boat. It's the cumulative effect and damage to his self esteem that worries me so much.

I have often seen Lundy Bancroft mentioned, but these seem to be books aimed at women rather than men /partners?

Any advice gratefully received!

OP posts:
OrlaPeely · 05/09/2020 11:03

Bump

OP posts:
OrlaPeely · 05/09/2020 21:36

Bump

OP posts:
Justtryingtobehelpful · 05/09/2020 21:50

The Lundy and Hennessy books are great. Both are written by men who counsel other men. They both recording that the majority of abuse of perpetuated by men against women so that's the pronouns they use. They aknowledge there are other variations.

Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That? docdro.id/py03

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Information on sick systems:
www.issendai.com/psychology/sick-systems.html

The shark explanation:
www.google.com/amp/s/www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/amp/

Read up on the F.O.G
Fear, Obligation and Guilt
Out of the FOG is a good book

The opening chapter of this book is a great read:
Power
amazon.co.uk/POWER-Surviving-Narcissistic-Collection-Narcissism/dp/1945796324&ved=2ahUKEwikqYzdkJXqAhWJQUEAHSVBDF8QFjAMegQIAxAB&usg=AOvVaw1ZCj-0LUkQfcT-QQGkUm_A]]

For more details:
How He Gets into Her Head: The Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1855942208/ref=cm_sw_r_em_apa_i_gxxAEbBTMRXTM?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

For help on setting boundaries:
Boundaries
amazon.co.uk/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454&ved=2ahUKEwiI-_G8kJXqAhXPTsAKHf2RA2QQFjAMegQIBBAB&usg=AOvVaw04hvQ_8v2A95RpGSxSJxiV]]

For help on being separate from her:
Codependent No More
amazon.co.uk/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025&ved=2ahUKEwj05aWAkZXqAhXMbsAKHUGnDVoQFjAKegQICRAB&usg=AOvVaw22s2NxLWZ4Z2t0VO6bfF1o]]

For help on healing:
The Body Keeps the Score

www.amazon.co.uk/Body-Keeps-Score-Transformation-Trauma/dp/0141978619/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=body+keeps+the+score+book&sprefix=body+keeps&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1594459921&sr=8-1

OrlaPeely · 05/09/2020 22:36

Justtryingtobehelpful thank you so much, this is hugely helpful and informative. I really appreciate you posting.

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