?Toxic|?. They ?f--- you up your mum and dad? Philip Larkin. Some people might be taking the title a bit too seriously. I shall get the book now - also ?trapped in the mirror?. But - the gist is surely that we do not feel whole because a very important loved one seems not to love us for who we are? It is not ?really? true. And - transgresses surely to the male partner. It is unlikely that women with problems with their parents are not over-dependent on the male in their life? And they will know it. Making the women feel more angry at their lack of support framework - especially if he is still umbilical!!
I do not believe that any other person in your life can equal the role of the parents in either the building or destroying of our self-esteem esteem. Possibly the worst situation is the black and white minstrel show of love and hate feelings coming our way! From the insecure perfectionist parent with low self-esteem themselves and an inability to accept any human flaw or fault - and a transference of that onto you. Hardest to reject them. Possibly a real phenomena. Possibly manipulative - like the torture techiniques awaiting Winston in 1984.
We need when we are most hurt. Hence if our needs can be met by money or alcohol if we cannot afford anything else - as marketing and norms might suggest - we have an easy route out of our pain. No other person involved. How many people on this thread shop a bit more than they should? Digressing. Cant help it - have a manic brain.
How many people on this thread had very young mothers? Let us say - under the age of 25? Or when are we ready to give up our lives for others? Mine was 18yr old and had looked after her own sibling form the age of 10yr. I was 38yr when I had my child. In its natural state - there are mothers of 11years old.
I first had my career - then yearned the child. The reverse for my mother. There is no feminist answer to children versus career - as women of our generation know.
Having said the above comment. How many of these mothers refuse to accept any new knowledge from the younger generation? Threatening?
How many resent their early parenting - or at any age? We all know as mums that your own life stops. You have to be ready for that. Also - the man will still mostly be free ??
Women today know that they cannot win. Career. Motherhood. Maintaining a home. The juggling act is impossible. Our mothers did not know that. They still do not know what we know.
Our children now start to grow up at the age of 5yr. For us it was maybe 10yr. For them even later - mostly.
We know - ?never invest everything in your child?. If we do - we know that we have chosen to do it.
Abuse. Verbal. Physical. Unacceptable.
We as so afraid of it that we cannot discipline our own children without feeling guilt. This is not good - they will become brats. But how society wants that? It will make so much more money. Starting with sweets at the child?s heights 20 years ago. ?Bratz dolls? now being a fine example. Heels for children - who cares - it might damage their back. Nobody cares now. So that we need our parents even more than ever. And those that are still not there ?our grief is total. We have very little to fall back upon now. Especially women.
It is said that a man alone has a higher risk of suicide. That somehow he cannot manage. Maybe this is a historic fact. My opinion is that the man is much the harder creature. That the society we have today both supports and helps him. That he will fare better than the female. Feminism has stepped us only backwards - wobbling on our stiletto heels that are wonderful - and that we could not give up. We need our mothers more than ever now.
Mothers are real people. If you confront them and they say ?you lack respect?? That is my problem.
If you can confront your mother in blazing rows - out of earshot of the children - you should. Leave it and mountains will form. It is your adult right to do it.
Unconditional love. If your parent has not sacrificed too much for you - it should not be too hard to get this from them. If they have - it will be harder. ?Their life? might be so different if not for you?
However. Aside from heroine addiction - and even then - we should be prepared to take our offspring under our wings to help them anytime. Otherwise - there are others that will - and with nasty intentions.
We should always be prepared to love our children and help them. Not ever to be their enemy - let alone their worst one! Probably actually bred from their own insecurities. An Evil that only God can forgive. Who forgive it now that we do not believe in religion?
Try as you will ? you will not get rid of your mother!! Understand. Set down boundaries. Be in charge. Treat her like one of your children. But ? you will not get rid of her in your head! Think about that when you are doing all this for your own child. Ask yourself why? Because it is deep. If your mother had not really looked after you - you would be scarred/run over ?
Be fierce in your own defence with her! Be adult in your anger! Be furious in you hatred - let rip! But - be a mother when you think of her as your mother? So long as you feel that she really deserves that.