Posted on here about abusive DH a number of months ago, abuse has been sexual, emotional and financial.
I received some advice earlier this year and DH moved in with his parents to give me 'some room'. Unfortunately covid happened and he moved back in for lockdown. He has been living in the spare room. I have no reason to suspect he will physically abuse me ever again, he is remorseful but fully admits everything. I have it in writing and it does include rape/ non consensual sex.
We hadn't come to any conclusions regarding splitting, he made an effort to begin with to be loving (not that I allowed any physical ) but it is clear to me that the real reason he wants to stay together is that he knows that financially he will have to keep me and the kids, they have needs meaning I've had to give up my career and I have done more than 90 % of the parenting, he doesn't drive etc. And also he is afraid that if we split I will spill the beans and he will no longer been seen as the nice persona that he portrays to the outside world. I can't tell anyone (and the one friend I did tell actually downplayed it!), and can't report him to the police because it will take my children from a position of relative financial comfort to poverty. I can't work due to their needs.
I have distanced myself from the whole thing emotionally. To the degree that I didn't even recognise the abuse (that has lasted years) until earlier this year. I have used alcohol as an emotional crutch and I have decided to stop drinking to get a clear head, I think I am depressed.
The last couple of weeks have been difficult. I have spoken to him more about my feelings and why it can't work. He has offered to move to a bigger house so we are not under each others feet. He doesn't step up with anything though, all he does is work and occassionally takes the kids out for an hour. When I said that living like this isn't working he suggested that he might not cope either and might have to go off sick. I told him that that was more emotional abuse so he retracted that quickly.
I asked him to leave for a couple of days as he was suffocating me. He has gone to a local hotel. I have emailed him today and told him I don't want him to come back tomorrow.
He is not trying to be difficult. I know I can't kick him out.
But I just feel dreadful. I went to pick the phone up to a solicitor a couple of months ago. The idea of going through with a divorce fills me with dread. I keep thinking about the happy times. I know I need to give my head a good shake.
I never ever understood how women stayed with their abusers but here I am. He has never hit me the violence was always sexual. But it went on for years.
I don't know what I want from this thread really. I'm just not coping with him and don't know how to go through leaving him.