Splitting up

[Mybluestaff]

Hi all
Long time lurker, first time poster but I’ve read some really good advice from everyone on here so am hoping I can get some too!

I’ve been with my husband for 15 years, married for 9. We don’t have children despite many years trying and 4 rounds of ivf. After our last round failed he became really horrible to me and a year later he left. It then transpired he’d been having an affair with a colleague for a few months before he left. After 2 months apart (I’d moved on quite well) he asked to meet and long story short we decided to try again. He’s been made redundant twice since we got back together and is definitely depressed!

He told me on Wednesday that he had been “talking” to a girl he works with again (different girl) and has now decided we should never have got back together and he only did it because his family talked him into it. He’s been quite brutal and told me he loves me like a sister but is not attracted to me.

Obviously I’m devastated but I’m determined there won’t be any u-turns this time and part of me is quite excited about a brand new future without constantly worrying about what he’s up to!

I just wanted to hear from anyone who has been through this or just anyone at all that has any advice? We are going to get the house on the market this week but we have to both stay living here til it sells which is the bit I’m dreading! I’m not sure how quickly houses are selling during the pandemic

Hi there I'm sorry you're going through this.
It certainly sounds like the IVF etc has taken its toll on your marriage and it's great that you feel ready to move on after your husband's infidelity and yoyoing.
Apparently the housing market is booming now!
Not much advice but the hive mind will be along soon.
Good luck, you sound strong and thoughtful. You can do this!

Thank you! I’m sure there’ll be lots of up and downs along the way. I just want it done now. I’m really angry and I hate being angry. I wish he’d move out while we get it sorted but he is refusing

Angry is understandable but you sound quite calm & measured in your OP and it strikes me that this will be easier if you remain calm. However the anger is useful to keep yourself resolute!

Thanks! I think that’s the problem though, I seem to flirt between anger and positivity about the future. I’m annoyed with myself for taking him back last time.

Anybody else got any advice? What should I be doing now? As we have no kids will we automatically get 50/50? We’ve always split all bills 50/50 so seems fair. My only plan so far is to get the house looking good over the weekend so we can hopefully sell quick and high!

Hopeful bump I’m sitting here with a glass of wine trying not to tell him what I think of him!

Anyone at all? Any advice gratefully received

No advice - but glad you’re feeling positive. Better things are out there for you

Has he agreed to sell the house? Would you want to buy him out or vice versa? If he won't agree to either you may need legal advice but if he agrees you can do most of the divorce yourself

This happened to me. 14 yrs marriage 3 failed ivfs and DH had affair with someone he met a few months before.. difference being he wanted her so we split. I was devastated. The range of emotions is normal. Thought i’d never get over it but I was wrong.

Fast forward 15 yrs. i have a 12 year old with a new DP on 4th and last IVF and happy despite a few ups and downs.

Take each day as it comes. Be kind to yourself and do things that make you feel good! You can be happy again. Housing market is good just now! Good luck

The good news is there's a mini property boom going on so it should sell quickly! Do you have any outside space? If so, make it as attractive as possible! Your new life awaits: so actually it's ALL good news

Thank you all for your kind words. I’ve woken up this morning feeling dreadful (partly due to too much wine) but I just feel like crying. We had a great life together, we moved into our dream home last year that we’re now going to lose. We’ve got a lovely dog and 2 cats too that he doesn’t want, even that breaks my heart. Feeling pathetic this morning and all he does every day is hide away in the spare bedroom. We’ve not said a single word to each other since Thursday morning. Need to pick myself up and start sorting the house! Sorry for pitiful post. I know it will get better but I just want this feeling to go away

Don't be sorry it's shit and you're allowed to be sad. Once this time passes you will be in a much better place.

Do you own the house equally? Will there be enough equity for you to put down for a new house?
Hopefully you will price the house sensibly so you can move on quickly.
There will be sad moments, but you have a whole new life ahead of you.

Do you need to take account of pensions, individual savings, joint savings etc? It would be useful to collect copies of documentation as I presume those will all be declared?

Yes we own the house 50/50. He will want to put the house up for more than it’s worth cos he’s desperate for every penny but even if we just get what we paid I’ll have enough for a deposit I think. I’m getting lots of messages off his family today to say I’m better off without him and he was never good enough for me so that’s cheered my up a bit

I have a good pension and some savings. He doesn’t have anything (about £25k credit card debt!) he’s also gone from a £40k a year job to minimum wage recently

Any chance you could afford the house on your own and buy him out?

I would love to and could afford to pay all the bills myself but couldn’t afford to buy him out unfortunately there’s about 40-50k equity

Will he be able to claim half of your pension? And are the CC debts just in his name?

I think he could but I don’t think he will, at least not if we can get it sorted quickly! Before the guilt wears off. The credit cards are all in his name.

OP,
You sound like a great woman who is going to have a good future once she off loads this idiot.

Get that house on the market.
Get it cleared.
Get HIM to pull his weight.
The sooner it's sold, the sooner he is gone.

Get all the support IRL that you can.

Thank you! I’m not feeling too great but I’ll take it! I feel better as the days gone on. Still floored by it all and definitely heartbroken that he’s taken my future plans away but making plans in my head for what’s next. I’m slowly getting the house sorted (few diy jobs that he needs to do though) and then straight on the market. Better times to come. He’s always made me feel like I’m not good enough for him but it’s just not true. He’s definitely better looking than me but in literally every other way he’s not!

The problem with RL support is my 2 best friends are his sisters, closely followed by his mum! I’m very much a part of the whole family and that’s probably the saddest bit. I’ll have to keep my distance as it’s not fair on either of us for me to maintain those relationships. It’s a shame though as they have always been my go to people!

Oh that is difficult OP.

Looks go, and then he'll only be a dick🙄.

You will get through this.
That life is waiting for you.
His family must be embarrassed by him.

Keep posting when you feel like venting.👍

@billy1966 that’s brilliant and made me laugh! He is a dick sadly. His family are embarrassed but he is still their son/brother so they ,quite rightly, will forgive him. I’m not sure how I’m feeling now. I’m angry at how shit he is but I’m still hopeful that better times are coming. I would love to be with someone respectful and loving but I’m 44 so don’t fancy my chances on the dating apps