Feeling all sorts of emotions

[Confusedlottie]

Hi there , first time posting on here not sure if I’m in the right place ?

I’m 33 years old and have been with my partner for 7 years ( he’s also 33) we were engaged on a trip to USA 3 years ago he asked me I was completely surprised .. over the past 2 years we bought and renovated our own beautiful house together & we now have 3 cats .. for the past few years we have been discussing having children .. he was always on the fence but always said he wanted them sooner rather than later if we were going to try for a baby ..fast forward and we got the fertility app and we’re actively “ trying “ .. turns out I fell pregnant on pretty much the first month & I am now 7.5 weeks pregnant .. the last few weeks he’s been extra quiet & even when I showed him my 7 week update “ your baby looks like this” on the app he told me it’s gross and doesn’t want to see that stuff ... I was a little taken aback but I know he is super nervous about becoming a dad so I let it go ... last night he decided to text me from downstairs to tell me he doesn’t love me anymore And he feels our relationship has gone flat 😢 .. to say I’m shell shocked is an understatement .. he says he’s been feeling like this for a while and doesn’t know if it can be saved ..

My mind is just all over the place .. I’m now faced with the thought of loosing the love of my life , our home , and becoming a mum alone 😞

Done really know what I’m looking for in terms of advice etc but just needed to get my thoughts out there as non of my family know I’m pregnant yet and I don’t want to warp their view of him .. we are incredibly close with my side of the family infact my brother has become a very close friend of his during our relationship .

Thanks for listening

I'm no good at giving advice so hopefully more will be along to help.

But wanted to say what a horrible way to tell you, too much off a coward to tell you face to face and texted you from downstairs! That's terrible.

I don't know, maybe he hoped you wouldn't get pregnant so quick but he knew it could happen. Maybe he's panicking that his life is going to change so much but he should talk to you.

What happened after he texted you?

There's a very good chance this is down to fear on his part.
My DP left me when he found out I was pregnant despite us actively trying to conceive for three years.
After 4 months we talked and he admitted it was scary for him and we reunited (whether this was the right thing to do i don't know as ten years down the line I often wish I hadn't let him back).
Your dp is a complete coward texting you and I think there's a good chance he's overwhelmed and will take you with him on a rollercoaster of emotion if you allow him.
I would advise no contact if possible with him for a good few weeks.
Give you both time to think about it all.

You need to tell your family.
You don't need to protect his honour.
Just be honest.

I was actually in the bath so we ended up having an hour of awful back and forward conversation about why he didn’t love me .why he’s decided to tell me now that I’m pregnant etc , And then moments of despair .. sadness .. I was obviously upset but I took myself to the spare room for the night so I have not seen him since

. he’s saying he’s being honest and it’s the right thing to do but I’m just really shocked as when we found out at 4 weeks he seemed pretty happy about it and considering we were “trying “ I’m just confused

We have had a rough few months .. Iv been out of work since lockdown ( self employed ) and i don’t have much work coming up but financially I have my own savings so I’m not worried .. he has made a big step in his buiness and it’s been stressfull for us both so I do think we have maybe not given each other as much time as normal .. I would t just give up on our relationship that easy though so I’m super sad about it 😞

Thanks spied for your message .. I partly agree that I think he is terrified , he’s made it’s clear in the past it’s a scary though for him but he’s generally a decent guy and I though he would manage his fears better than this ..

We are like best friends aswell as partners , we have a lot in common and generally never argue ..

I think time apart will be very difficult as neither of us have anywhere else to go 😒

OP,
How upsetting.
I must admit I doubt I would ever truly trust him again.
This is a huge breach of trust when you are so very vulnerable.

First off, get IRL support.
Stop protecting someone who has really let you down.

Secondly, think good and hard about going ahead with a pregnancy that locks you into a relationship with him for the next nearly 19 years minimum.

You are going to give up so much to have this child that he doesn't appear to want.

You certainly are making it far more complicated to move on from this relationship and meet someone else.

I know you might find this hard to absorb at the moment but he is putting what he wants ahead of you.

You need to think good and hard about what you want.

I'm really sorry to be saying this, but I don't know if you can ever really come back from this.

Could you ever really trust him again ?

What he's essentially done is emotionally abandon you when you're at your most vulnerable.................a mature man would be doing the exact opposite and doing his best to make you feel protected and loved.

He's expecting you to be the grown up and he's behaving like a child. This is what the rest of your 'relationship' will be based on.

If he's not mature enough to accept impending fatherhood with excitement (and some trepidation), even when it's fully planned/ expected, as a real man would, how the hell could you count on him to weather life's other major events by your side ?

If you got cancer, would he leave because he can't 'cope' ?

If the baby had any health issues/ disabilities would he run, because he can't 'cope' ?

If you don't want to be a single parent ( with an absent father whenever things get a little 'hard') I'd think long and hard about whether I'd want to have his child because it will affect the rest of both yours and your DC's life.

OP, you're not the one who has given up on your relationship, he is !

Can I ask something ?

Who is the 'organiser/ sorter/ fixer/ plan maker etc in your relationship ?

Is it you or him who makes plans become reality ?

I have a feeling that he's great when talking, making plans etc, but it's you who does the work to make things actually happen....would that be accurate ?

needed to get my thoughts out there as non of my family know I’m pregnant yet and I don’t want to warp their view of him

OP, never hide who he really is from your RL support system.

Jesus woman why are you worrying about what your family think of him?
He's a cunt. An absolute top class cunt. He got himself engaged, actively tried for a baby and now he says "ew gross, and btw I don't love you." In a text.
I am so so sorry, I can imagine you must be heartbroken, but honestly, the sooner you can mentally remove yourself from this man the better for your own well-being. Because your well-being and your baby's (if you choose to go ahead ) are all that matters.

Updownroundandround , I’d say your pretty accurate in terms of or life at home , but in general he is a confident person , he has multiple businesses and not one to shy away from Taking risks etc ..

He says his reasonings for telling me know as he feels it’s unfair for me to go along with the pregnancy with false view of the future . He says I’m in denial about loving him as we’re not that intimate .. I admit I’m Not an overly sexual person

I’d like to add that after we got engaged he did tell me and openly tells my friends that “ I didn’t say the words .. will you marry me “ so a marriagewas never in the cards anyway

so marriage was never on the cards

Op, i was grossed out when a friend posted a 4d pic of their baby with what looked like an unfinished head.
However, apart from your dp’s cowardly behaviour of not telling you how he felt face to face, it’s hard to believe he will ever man up to do the right thing. But then again the right thing is very relative. How he chose to let you now is absolutely awful. After the commitment of making family plans together, getting a mortgage and the responsibility of 3 cats, you deserve a lot more from him. It’s one thing for him to be grossed out and start having second thoughts about a baby, but to tell you he doesn’t love you anymore, that is one bitter pill to swallow. I say be selfish and think about what is good for you and the baby. It is unfortunate he feels the way he does but his happiness is not your responsibility, especially when you had no other major issues in the relationship. I say, as hard as it may seem, count your blessing, be grateful you have savings and family to support you, and you will get through this. And try not to dwell too much on how and why this happened. The quicker you accept it, the quicker you’ll move on, the better for you and the baby. 🤗

Congratulations! Enjoy your baby and see the back of the partner asap. It will save you years of heartache. You've been 'Ms WillDoForNow' not his 'Ms Right'. That will sting a bit but you'll get over him.

If you decide not to go ahead with the pregnancy, do it with a clear mind and conscience but for yourself, not him. Ditch him, either way.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

From what you've written it sounds like he's just felt he has been 'swept along' with your plans for a future that includes marriage and kids.

If that's how he feels, then he's chosen a particularly shitty time to tell you, hasn't he ?

Whatever you do, do not ignore what he's said. He's telling you how he feels, believe him.

You must accept that your rosy future plans are destroyed, and now you must make a new plan. One that does not include him (as far as marriage/ relationship anyway).

Speak to your RL support system and start moving forward.

Believe him OP.
He really doesn't want this baby and he doesn't want a relationship with you.

This is devastating but if you search your soul, you know it's not a surprise really.

He couldn't possibly love you and humiliate you to your friends by telling them he never proposed.

You need to get support IRL and decide if you REALLY want to be a single parent to a child he doesn't want and who will be your responsibility.

You need to think about YOUR future.

Thankyou for all your advice ..

Iv just read my messages back and apologies for all the typo’s 🙈 xx

Iv no advice but just want to say, YOU are stronger than you think. Whatever happens put your happiness and that of your baby 1st. You CAN do it alone if you need/want to. Of course it will be hard, his timing is sh*t and you may have been dealt cards you don't want, but that doesn't mean they aren't a winning hand in the end. 💪🏼

I'm sure if I saw a picture of him I'd say the same thing as he said about the baby; pathetic cowardly men are gross and I don't want to see that stuff.

OP, I agree with the PPs who said you need to assume you will be a single parent, and you should think hard about whether you want to continue the pregnancy on that basis, or have a termination.
Your partner has behaved unforgivably at a time when you are not only completely vulnerable, but looking forward with joy to being a family and having your first child.
How appalling to rain on your parade, and in such a cowardly manner as a text. If he had all these doubts, why the hell did he get you pregnant in the first place?

If you go ahead and have the child, you will be stuck with having to have contact with this ghastly man for the next 18 years over maintenance and access issues. You might prefer a termination and clean break - in your position I think I would at least discuss the options with a counsellor.
Finally, I am sending you a hug. I am so sorry you have been so ill treated, and I hope your future (whether you choose to continue the pregnancy or not) is considerably happier.