Trusting gut feelings?

[Clementinewine]

Just wondering how much everybody trusts their gut feelings about people they have met/know, especially men of course?

For a bit of background I have been in quite a volatile/up and down relationship for the past two years. Some of our problems have been my own causing, for example, I was still getting over my ex at the beginning, and I wasn't sure about my new boyfriend mostly because he wasn't my normal type, although I was attracted to him. But in the early days especially there were a few arguments that really made me feel a little off about him. But nowadays it has got so twisted that any arguments we do have, seem to be all my fault, all because of me and my issues. So I have forgotten how it was the other way round at the beginning if that makes sense - how at the beginning it seemed to be that he had all the issues and I had this growing off feeling about him.

Then yesterday something happened that gave me a flash of the other side, how he was at the beginning. Basically I have been told I am too sensitive a few times, shouldn't take offense so easily, at jokes etc (they are never very harsh jokes). But then yesterday I asked him to do one simple thing, it was not a joke directed at him or anything like that, and he completely overreacted in a negative way, making this horrible expression he does when he has clearly been offended, and going off. I was left stunned and thinking wow, clearly I am not the only one that is "too sensitive" or takes offence too easily.

I don't know apologies if none of this makes sense. I have never been good at making decisions or trusting my gut feelings. A lot of the time everything is fine now but every now and again something occurs like yesterday that reminds me that I initially felt off about him. Also I still feel like I don't really know him that well even though it has been two years and we see each other a lot (too much really in my opinion). Maybe he just doesn't have much depth and there isn't that more to know, I don't know.

I just know I didn't have these doubts in my last long-term relationship, wasn't looking up relationship advice or going on mumsnet boards or spending so much time trying to understand the ups and downs and whether it really is all me or whether there are other issues that rest with him.

Another time I had a really strong gut feeling that I ignored was when I purchased my old flat. Basically I rushed it through as I had to get away from some terrible neighbours. But there were a few niggles about it and turned out that the new place also had bad neighbours, and it was very hard to sell due to issues with missing documents and legal records over the years. That is the only other time I can think of registering a real gut feeling but still ignoring it and it turned out I should have listened to it.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense at all! Sometimes I do worry if I am just too paranoid and a bit mental, I have had a lot of bad experiences with men in the past, and a few abusive relationships. Although the one before this guy was a good one, he is probably the most emotionally healthy man I have ever been with, and perhaps I have been too unfair by comparing the two occasionally.

Basically, do you trust your gut feelings?

Always trust your gut. After 2 years and you still feel like you don't know him then there is something not quite right. Best thing to do if you are planning on leaving is not not get into a situation where he can gaslight you and manipulate the situation for you to stay.

Always trust your gut! Even if it doesn’t make sense, it will be your saving grace.

Your gut feeling isn’t a magical mystery or a sign of delusion. Your gut feeling is basically your instincts and subconscious making you aware that something is not ok.

The fact you know that the feeling is there and you keep making decisions to ignore it means that you don’t value your own decision making abilities very well. It doesn’t help when other people come along and spot this weakness in you and exploit it - the chink in your armour is that you have low self confidence and low self esteem and perhaps are easily influenced or believe that you are a problem even when every single part of your body is screaming at you that this isn’t the case. This guy has you well trained to ignore the uncomfortable feelings because he sees you as weak, hysterical and paranoid. Therefore it’s easier to get away with his shitty behaviour because he can always pass it off as your behaviour instead

Getting away from him will help you get a clearer head.

Yes, thank you. I am not good or confident with decision making at all which doesn't help.

I just worry that sometimes I am confusing trauma paranoia with facts. But I am still stunned by the total overreaction yesterday and it just reminded me immediately of elements of his character that I saw at the beginning which gave me a bad feeling, which were perhaps buried as time has gone on or we have had so many confusing arguments and it has all now been concluded that I have all the issues and I need therapy.

I mean, nobody is perfect of course. I do probably have some issues myself. He has also had a bad few days that could explain it. I think what also really annoys me is how if I react to a (fairly minor, not super nasty) joke directed at myself I am told I should be so easily offended, often it blows into arguments. Yet when I asked him to do something yesterday which was not anything directed at him in the way that jokes and insults are, he himself got so hugely offended by it. He walked off and Zi was literally left stunned and it just reminded me of how he behaved at the beginning sometimes.

He does have me well trained.

I mean, sometimes we can communicate about things ok. But other times I know I can't raise any criticism or issue as it will likely blow up into an argument. Or it will always be I can't remember saying that or sending that message. So there have been a few times where I have kept quiet and until recently, having forgot the weirdness and gut feeling at the start, I have come to believe and agree with him that it is all me and I have loads of issues.

Always go with your gut. It never lets you down and is always right. Wish I had listened to mine.

I wish I had acted on my gut feelings when my 'ex' first turned up on messenger with an obviously sleazy and fake chat up line. I should've blocked there and then rather than leaving him on my friends list so he was around at a time I was vulnerable.

I should've blocked the other bloke that raped me and never approached him- he gave me the clearest gut feeling ever.

When I first met an ex-friend I should've acted on my feeling that she was unstable, and steered clear.

Sometimes I do worry if I am just too paranoid and a bit mental, I have had a lot of bad experiences with men in the past, and a few abusive relationships.

The thing is you don't have much to lose. Whereas carrying on with a potentially dodgy man is a big mistake. Erring on the side of caution and blocking him would be best.

OP it's clear that this relationship is not based on a mutually supportive and loving dynamic.

Trust your gut instinct and end this. You are clearly being gas lighted by this piece of crap and being lead to believe that you are responsible for everything that's wrong. You're not.

Things will only get worse. If you don't live together then simply tell him it's over and then block him.

wasn't looking up relationship advice or going on mumsnet boards or spending so much time trying to understand the ups and downs

This is a sign that all isn't well. I recall a video on narcissists that says "if you are searching the Internet for answers, then its a problem".

Trust your gut. I override mine because I can be a people pleaser and think way too much about the other person's feelings. However I am learning. You describe an overly sensitive man who will not be criticised and who after 2 years has no connection with you. The feeling of something being "off" is definitely worth listening to.

I have never regretted acting on my instincts but always regret when I don't listen. 2 years is when you start to know them so you have given him sufficient time.

Always trust your gut feeling. When I havent I realised afterwards I should have....

Always trust your gut instinct. My gut instinct has never let me down.

Recently I had a breakup issue. Too complicated to explain here. My gut instinct told me exactly what was happening and it was correct.

Things are still playing out in my life and I'm trusting my gut instinct to direct me.

Thanks everyone. It's just hard isn't it to give control over to an abstract thing, a niggling feeling or gut instinct that isn't always there constantly, just from time to time.

The issue isn't just that he is overly sensitive but that he has often accused me of being the same! And rather than taking my feelings into account or apologizing it has just been dismissed. Even though I feel his reaction was bizarre to what happened yesterday, I still have taken the time to reflect on it and figure it out rather than just saying to his face oh you get offended so easily. And it is the way he reacts too
..the really weird expression he has.

Sometimes I do feel we connect but yes sometimes I wonder how well I know him, but part of me does kind of feel there is not much more to know. Not much depth there.

Ultimately the reaction yesterday surprised me and reminded me of my early gut feelings when he also reacted similarly or displayed a short temper (I also have a short temper from time to time. But I don't want to have to always take the brunt/blame/responsibility for everything which is the way our relationship is heading now) and it is just another thing on a long list of things I have been questioning in this relationship.

If you are worrying about justifying ending a relationship because of a gut feeling, then may I point out what you have said?

He blew up about being asked to do something minor
He controls how much time you spend together- too much, in your opinion
He finds fault with you a lot, calling you over sensitive. It's now accepted that you need therapy.
You tiptoe around his moods, not raising things in case he blows up.

Most importantly, you can end a relationship at any time just because you want to. Gut feeling or not.

I lived with someone like this for 27 years trying to avoid upsetting him. Eventually I got out but with spaghetti head mess from the manipulative gaslighting. I am a sensitive person and we bounced off each other winding up the temperature. He wasn’t bad just wrong for me.
Now I am with a lovely man who is calm and easygoing mostly. (He isn’t perfect but who is?)
When I blow up he stays chilled or goes out. He is good for me and we suit each other and I know it works.
You need a bit of space from him to clear your head. And perhaps some counselling Or read Why Does He Do That?
Best wishes

Two years is long enough to give a relationship to know if its going to make you happy long term. Sounds like this one has run its course - you're ending it because the relationship isn't making you happy - which is a perfectly valid and good reason.

And it is the way he reacts too
..the really weird expression he has

This is a reflection of what he has inside him. What was his childhood like? It's not necessary to label him but consider covert narcisstic behaviour, some signs are, the lack of accountability, the blaming, the strange expression, sensitivity.

A good test is his reaction to you saying No. How does he respond? Watch for silent anger. I missed this as (in hindsight Ex) would show anger on his face but then hold a grudge and make me pay later. However we also had great times so it was confusing..it got worse each year though and I wished I had listened to my instinct. He is now with someone else and I know she will be having the same treatment as I had and she will be having the same levels of confusion.

You don't sound very happy. And it all sounds very stressful.
Does he enhance your life in any way?

Thanks everyone.
@picklemewalnuts he doesn't really control how much time we spend together. I just always feel guilty when I try and get some time to myself. And I am usually the one that suggests we spend an evening apart etc.

@Techway only thing I really know about his childhood is that one of his siblings bullied him. My own dad was emotionally abusive to me and my mum and I also got bullied at school myself, though.

It varies when I say no to him. I don't seem to do it that much these days. Sometimes he has been ok but I can remember many instances when he has been pretty annoyed if I have said no or refused something. Each time I knew it wasn't right.

Since the weird event the other night we have both been fairly distant. I have forced myself to reach out more to him and he has responded in turn. Always seems like it is me doing the reaching out/apologising usually. I am not apologising this time.

@jay55 I do enjoy his company and he makes me laugh. He has been supportive a lot when I have had periods of being quite down but then sometimes I wonder if half the reason I am down is because of him/our relationship. But frankly I do feel bored at times. He has no real friends or life. Whilst I am quite a homebody myself too and only have a couple of close friends, I do still want to get out and do stuff occasionally and live life. Unfortunately covid hasn't helped of course and on my side of things I am still a bit paranoid about it all to be going out too much anyway.

I don't know I just always end up going back to thinking I'm not 100% sure about him, not sure how well I know him, not sure I can get past these elements that make me have a bad feeling/doubts. As it has been made quite clear that most of the issues are my own, it is obvious he is not that concerned with trying to improve himself or deal with any of his problems, although he has perhaps once or twice told me he has reflected on how he could have done something differently in an argument etc. But mostly I feel it is all on me.

It's difficult to say from a post, but you might want to consider if you have been 'trained' by your upbringing to please and therefore you tend to avoid conflict, but for whatever reason you are waking up to wanting to be more yourself and perhaps you realise it's probably not going to be possible with this man. That's enough of a reason to leave. You have ignored your gut instinct for a long time, listen to it now. And just let things happen. If something inside you is screaming that it's time for change then it sounds like it's time to make a change.

I see what you are saying, but
"I just always feel guilty when I try and get some time to myself."

I'm sure he isn't saying 'We must see each other 5 times a week', but you feel guilty wanting an evening to yourself.

I don't think the relationship is making you happy.

@Clementinewine, the more you write highlights that this isn't a good relationship for you but because its not openly abusive you can't justify ending it. You maybe a people pleaser and this characteristic makes you overlook abuse that others would not accept.

Well the long and short is I have ended it (again, long story, let's hope it sticks this time).

Maybe it wasn't openly abusive @techway but I did have many concerns about some things and potential veering into emotional abuse.

I have come for recognise his cycles or certains ways he behaves. Like after the weird total overreaction even the other day, he withdrew stopped messaging as much, he still messaged but more distant and not saying he loved me etc. I knew what he was doing as this has happened before, could sense the same old behaviour. "Forgot" to send me usual goodnight texts etc. Waiting for me to reach out, profess my love, etc. Just seems immature and game playing for a man a decade older than me almost fifty.

I had even asked him straight after his overreaction, once I got over the shock of it, if he had been offended and he said no don't worry about it. Yet withdrew as above.

So yesterday as usual I reached out and dragged it out of him via messages. It transpires that yes he was annoyed with me. And why should he be the one that texts first saying he loves me all and this utterly childish nonsense. This pattern has happened before. I know he was having s tough few days yes fair enough. But apparently I had pulled the wrong facial expression at him. That's why he stormed off and withdrew.

I told him I have had enough. It's always the same. He doesn't see how ridiculous this behaviour is, withdrawing, playing the game of waiting to see how much I will reach out, not communicating. I told him it feels like punishment. He said it's because he can't talk to me yet I am quite sure he has been like this from the start. Silent treatment after fights, me 99% of the time reaching out and apologising first. Not experienced ups and downs like this in a y other relationship. Totally dysfunctional and all of it usually gets blamed on me and even now after we had a big discussion via message yesterday he can't see how ridiculous his behaviour is.

All over the wrong facial expression! It's like how bullies in the playground get "offended".

Ultimately I had that gut feeling from the start. This bizarre latest overreaction and predictable behaviour recalled it. Predictably it was all blamed on me and he couldn't see how his own behaviour was problematic. So I said enough, done. I am not looking back this time. This is a man child who has some serious issues and red flags and I knew it from the start.

Sorry, bit of a rant! 😂

He's worth a rant OP. The bloke is unstable. My neighbour did the whole 'you looking at me funny?' (or the equivalent) and pronounced he was going to break my neck. He has at least 70 previous convictions.

Well done. xx Block him as soon as you can, so he can't talk you round in a moment of weakness, and you can't message him as easily if you're bored or horny etc.

Thanks @SoulofanAggron the problem is we are neighbours, which is what has complicated it further. But I am not willing to move.

I feel stronger this time. Too many ups and downs, red flags, gut reaction and just can't get over the latest overreaction and behaviour. I know he had a bad week but to overreact because of a look and then pull out the usual childish behaviour, it's too much. I have to put up with his jokes etc but I can't ask him to do something or get away with an apparent, unintentional, funny look?! He reacts badly to being asked to do something he doesn't agree with or being told no and I know that is a bad sign and I need to work on my boundaries.

Realising he did not add much to my life really anyway. The rollercoaster drama just hid the fact that actually the relationship was rather boring. Just sitting around watching TV and having sex! 😂

Scary about your neighbour @SoulofanAggron! And I was made out to be the only unstable one in this relationship 🙄