A noob that really needs some kind words

[PurpleOne]

Hi all.
I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right forum but I really need some help.
I'm a single mum of 2 girls. Suffered depression for years, self harm/suicide etc. I have no siblings (he died) And now my parents have turned their backs on me. We haven't spoken for 2 months now, my kids keep ringing them up. It hurts me to see my babies hurting.
I've emailed them, no response. My father has held a grudge against his own mother for 15 years. He recently got back in touch with his brother and theyr'e playing happy families. I think they gave my auntie my email address, she mailed me yesterday (haven't seen her for 20 years) and it is just obvious that my mother and father have filled their heads with such vitriol, and yet again, I've got the blame yet I had done nothing wrong.

My crime? Myself wearing nicotine patches and simply asked my mother not to smoke in the house! She still did. She then threw my front door key back at me, called me a 'selfish bitch' and walked out.

It will be my daughters birthday soon and I'm really scared that they won't send her a card.
All I did last night was fall into a vat of red wine and cried like a baby.

Just wanted to reach out to someone.
Thanks for listening x

Hey PurpleOne

First off, welcome to MN!

Secondly, sorry you are having such a rough time. Your parents sound like they are being completely unreasonable; there is obviously a lot more to this than you are saying in your OP - it can't be just that one incident with the cigarettes?

Sorry I can't be more help, I just wanted to say hello and let you know we're listening. YOu might want to post on the Lone Parents and also maybe the Depression topics? Lots of very helpful and experienced people there.

Take care.

Just wanted to offer a hug!
Are you in contact with your dad's mum? Might she be friendly?

Hi and thanks for the welcome.

BOO-I haven't seen my nan since 1992. Although I recently have been given her address.

Little-That's all it was. I asked my mum not to smoke in the house. She refused to stand outside with me. The kids revealed to me a few days after they left, that nanny had called them both names. I caught my mother smoking in the bathroom with the window closed, I pulled her up on it and she turned around and called me selfish!

Hi Purpleone - I can't get over your Mum's reaction to your very reasonable request and am really sorry that you and your dc's are being made to suffer as a result. I've no direct experience to be able to offer you any relevant advice but just wanted to say that MN is a fantastic plac to go when you feel that you need to let off steam, or even just to chat so please stick with us!!

You simply sound a kind and caring Mum who just wants the best for your dc and if your parents can't see that then it will ultimately be their loss, though I do hope that you are able to get this resolved.

Oh that's just rotten!
I would still take the moral highground and send them a Xmas card and photo in December to make them feel guilty. And why not send one to your Nan too, perhaps you can't rely on everyone else's tales and she might become a positive thing in your life. Plus it wasn't your fight with her so why not? Even if you never spoke to your parents for another 15yrs they may have softened to your kids by then .

Oh no -

What a complete lack of support. Well done you for being a loving mother and trying to keep contact for your kids.

Shame on them for acting like kids. I agree with keeping the moral high ground.

Hope someone comes along with direct experience who can help

hi there,

I am fairly new myself so welcome, this is an excellent site with lots of support and very good advice, so you have come to the right place!

i am sorry that you are going through a rough time. It sounds to me like you are the victim of some incredibly selfish parents who obviously do not know what their priorities are.

I do think you need to take the moral ground with them and show them who is control because at the moment it seems to me like that's what they want to do, have control over you by treating you like this.

Take a stand and tell them that their behaviour is unacceptable, they are not putting your kids first and letting any gripes they have with you get in the way of everything. Explain to them that it is your kids losing out on this.

I dont know what else to suggest... am I right in thinking that this isn't an isolated incident? it sounds as though these problems are deep rooted and I am afraid if that if your parents are not willing to compromise in any way, where does that leave you?

I truly hope you get the strength to stand up to them, your kids will understand as they get older that you have done everything you can and that this isnt your fault.

I am sorry if that is no help, but you are not alone though, and i really hope it doesnt get worse for you..

BOO-yeah, I'm glad I have the address now as it's nan's birthday soon also, so I can slip in a letter with it. Yes, you are right, it wasn't my fight yet we've all been made to suffer and my dc's have never met her.

I want to add a little background to my OP.
When I got divorced in 2000, my dad bought us a house, we got ready to move in, then my parents declared that there was 'terms and conditions' attached to it. They wanted me to stop dc's father being involved in dc's lives. I refused. my father told me to behave myself and he sold the house right in front of our noses.
As our stuff was already packed up in boxes, my mother moved my stuff out of her house, and into a bloke's house without my knowledge. (I took my kids out for a walk) This bloke then moved out during the night 3 days later. I was totally coalboxed in the sense that I had 2 kids and my name wasn't even on the lease! Mum wouldn't let me move back home and my father said that if 'I behaved like that again, then I wasn't his daughter anymore'.

This is the first time they've given me the 'silent treatment' though. My aunt's email mentioned that parents have said to them 'after all we did for her' IE money, helping me move to this house etc, but at the end of the day, when an exbf throttled me and spat in my face and hit my kids...they were nowhere to be found and left it all up to dc's dad to do it all.

I found my bro's death certificate the other day also, mum even lied about his name, where he was born. She only told me about him 2 yrs ago (I'm 34 now btw) I went to the cemetery when I found out, but was horrified to realise that there was no stone laid for him.

I have just been made to feel like a naughty girl who needs a spanking to be put in her place. This is the first time they've done this, but should've seen it coming really. If my father can hold a grudge and not speak to his own mum for 15 years, they can do it to me too. The kids are annoyed that when they call up, someone picks up the phone and puts the phone down again.

Any advice would be most welcome, and yes, I am reading the book 'toxic parents' also. Quite compelling stuff x x

wurly-we posted at the same time!
I did email my parents in early September, told them how I felt, how my kids felt and exactly how I felt about their behaviour. To this day I never did get a reply from them, only a poisonous email from my auntie who donn't even know me, which goes to show that I'm to blame yet again and made the scapegoat.

x x

your writing style is very similar to "forestfern" are you one and the same?

No I'm not 'forestfern', it's my fist day here!

sorry they are treating you so badlythey sound very controlling if you dont mind me saying

Sounds to me like they are just plain nasty, you dont need this and maybe you should consider cutting off all ties. This cant be doing you any good. It isnt fair on you. Why are ppl so selfish??

I finally sat my dc's down tonight and had a very long chat with them. I didn't hold back on anything...and they told me quite a few interesting things that I'd never heard before.
They started the family cycle all over again with those damn family secrets, and quite frankly, I'm devastated.

That my parents could burden my own children and telling them stuff they shoudl'nt really have heard. All of it was negative

How awful for you PO

How old are your dc? Whatever age they are, they don't need or deserve to get drawn into family politics and I don't believe that any child should be expected to keep secrets.

Do whatever you feel will offer your girls protection from this vitriol so that they can grow up with the loving support that you were sadly so lacking. And be proud for having the strength to break the cycle.