Supporting DH through trauma- TW abuse

[wheelsonthebus2020]

Not really sure where to start. DH recently found out his younger sibling has revealed historic abuse by a family friend which the police are investigating. The whole family are completely broken and wracked with guilt and my DH in particular is not coping well. He’s not sleeping, not eating, struggling with work. Has a lot of rage which is taken out on me. He refuses to talk to me about how he’s feeling and puts on an act. His sole focus is spending time with his family, which has been a sore subject in our marriage prior to this. To make things more complicated our little girl (6 months old) is being ignored by him and he has admitted that he cannot engage with her as she reminds him of his sibling which is too painful for him. I am really struggling as our LO can sense something is wrong and has been unsettled, her usual playful daddy is ignoring her. In addition DH’s family seem to be using our LO as a distraction so whilst he has admitted he can’t engage with her he has no problems taking her to visit family and expects me to do so daily too. We have had some difficult exchanges over it, one this morning where he threatened to divorce me as I am not supporting him through the most awful thing he has experienced and not being understanding enough.

I’m really stuck- I am trying to help him but I don’t know where to start. I’m very close to his sister and so this has hit me very hard but I am struggling with my daughter being used as a way for everyone to avoid dealing with what has happened. It’s such a mess.

A very difficult one. Have you suggested counselling to him? I wouldn’t say it’s for the “benefit of saving the marriage” or whatever because that doesn’t sound supportive. I would say you think he needs to as he’s emotionally disconnecting from his own daughter and doesn’t he think that’s a problem to be dealt with. On the taking to family thing , your daughter doesn’t and won’t ever know she’s filling that role - you are the one feeling it’s not right. That’s not however to say you don’t have a say in how often you see them (although perhaps don’t try and limit his contact and taking right now at this terrible time). Can you come up with compromise on how often you attend alone with her? Can you adopt a new “routine” that means she needs to nap etc at certain times? Can you do things like zoom baby groups and again oops she can’t attend at those times? Key is to phrase it on what’s good for the baby rather than your thoughts. Then after some time has passed you can open up the subject about too much time with his family again ( if of course it’s not naturally improved)