selfish, selfish, selfish - enough is enough

[spikeycat]

can't even be arsee to change my name for this.... My dp has got progressively (sp) selfish and mean over the last few yeara and I feel it is really time to call it a day. Trouble is, I know he won't go quietly having been divorced before and lost everything, he's made that quite clear.
Example.... We have 2 children together (v young) and he has 2 children from previous relationship. Supposed to be going on hols 1/2 term week but as his girls don't want to miss haloween (sp!) the holiday is cancelled!!! Second class citizens me and my children are - f us!! Its loads and loads of things, I'm just soooooo fed up. We have had sex about 4 times since little ds's birth (in march) cos I resent him and his laziness so much, maybe i have baby blues, thats what he says but I REALLY don't think I have

sounds like you need to give him a few home truths spikycat!? you cant be treat like that constantly.
maybe you do have pnd, it would be worth going to see gp, but that doesnt explain his behaviour...if he's so selfish that he wont take yours and his little ones on holiday, take them yourself (and a friend or relative maybe?)he cant call all the shots. go through diluted version on and off with dp, and know itshorrible, please dont carry on taking his crap, explain how his behaviour effects you and if that doesnt work, give him a choice....he says he wont go quietly, but how can he expect you to keep bouncing back? good luck.
x

No wonder you're angry spikeycat. Evesmama's got a point there, is there anyone who'd go with you to help? You may be surprised who will if you ask? Or do you know another mum who'd like someone to go with?

hope your ok spikycat...i just switched on and noticed you posted much earlier...hows it going?

crap - the point is I am a stay at home mum so don't earn my own money - which doesn't bother me (staying at home) but I feel like I live with my dad - I have to ask to buy any thing new! So going on hols on my own isn't an option, cos I have no cash!
Am supposed to start a PT job soon (the only reason I am doing so is so I can have some financial independance - so I feel bad about the boys going to childcare as they are only going cos I'm greedy) and I need him to give me the first months chilcare costs, which is like getting blood out of a stone and I have to pay him back 100 a month..... it just goes on and on. He's mean, he moans his arse off if I want a take away but as soon as his children come over at the weekend its take away city (don't get me wrong, I do like them but his behaviour is starting to make me resent them) - if he wants a bottle of wine during the week then thats fine, we can both have one but if i want one and he doesn't then you've guessed it - no wine!
he started a new job and we went out and got about 4 new suits, shirts, ties, shoes etc, me, who stopped wrk 3 years ago after first baby is expected to wear my suits from 3 years ago, when I was a size 10 and the fashions were very different. Yesterday we went shopping and we were looking at new boots for me (old pair are 4 years old!) and he was saying that he is not paying 80 quid for a pair of boots, so that blew that!

Well, if you read this moan this far you get a medal

I can sympathise with you spikey. Honestly I can. My dh is the same lazy, selfish, tiresome git - it could be the same person! Even down to his kids and the takeaway city situations.
You could be writing my life story!!

I have no real advice. I am still trying to work it out myself.

I was divorced, had nothing etc... I am a stay at home mum, no money of my own etc. I am lucky in many ways, I have my mum and she slips me the odd tenner. I do a bit of cleaning for her to pay her back.

Do you have any family/friends you could visit over the holidays? This might give you both a bit of space and he can spend some time that he wants with his other children.

Not sure what else to suggest, other than talk it thro with him... if he's anything like mine then it will go in one ear, out the other. It might be worth a try.
{{{Hugs}}} for you hun... good luck.

We went away a few months ago to a caravan park with all the children, and I ended up taking ours back whilst he stayed watching the entertainment and I put them to bed, bath etc on my own and then sat there from 6.30 to 11 on my own! I have said he can go away by himself with ALL the kids, but to be honest he can be quite a "firm" parent to our boys so wouldn't feel comfortable with it. I am just going to stay here with the boys and he can do what he likes.

Theres no one I can visit really as everyone works f/t and my family are all in the north....

No I am feeling guilty as when he is nice he really is nice, I just feel like a child sometimes asking for pocket money.

Stop this self guilt trip hun. You are not a child. You are a human being. You need to have a life. Don't be beholden to someone just because they hold the purse strings. I had a life time of that. My life with exh was full of me grovelling and feeling so grateful for the scraps. You need to have a holiday, otherwise you wouldn't have organised something - even if it was for the children alone.
I urge you to go stay with family, no matter how far it is. Can they help with travel/costs? Even if they are working f/t, you and the little ones will have a change of scenery. Take them to the parks, walking, swimming... etc. Something that doesn't have to cost you loads.

I am sure he is a lovely person, I don't doubt what you say at all. It is good that you think of him so fondly but you must also think that you are a good person too... not this child asking for pocket money.

I tell you what I did once... I wrote out an invoice for all the work I do round the house, including child care, washing, cooking, cleaning and I even put a price on sex. £so much an hour for each. I totalled it up and, yes, I gave it to him. He hit the roof but soon calmed down when I explained how I felt.
Not sure this is ok for everyone but for that time, it worked for me. I still have problems but I remind him of how much unpaid sh*t I have to do so that he can go out to work and earn and support his children.

{{{Hugs}}} sweetie, don't let it get you into a rut of degrading yourself.

Spikey cat, im sending you a hug of sympathy (((()))) he sounds like a right G** that needs to be taught a lesson. The question is what would make him stand up and take notice and appreciate you. It sounds like he doesnt appreciate you and if he did maybe you would be less angry at his selfishness?? What do you think? Ignore me, if im butting in where im not wanted, its just that i have also been in several selfish ignorant relationships with divorced men!!

I think it is outrageous that he thinks all the money in the house is his!! No wonder he's divorced. He's acting like a Victorian paterfamilias. the ONLY reason he can work at all is because YOU are looking after the children - it's a deal. So any money coming in belongs to both of you. You should have a joint account and you should have equal access to it. As for childcare being your responsibility, er, how does that work out? If you are working and he is working then someone has to look after your joint children so it should be a joint expense. Sod 'borrowing' the money from him, or 'paying him back' - they are his kids, his responsibility financially and emotionally, every bit as much as yours. I think, to be brutally frank, that he is behaving appallingly and humiliating you, and it needs to stop otherwise he will end up with two failed marriages. Have you tried really laying it on the line with him about how unacceptable all this financially controlling behaviour is? If not, would he consider counselling?

BTW, it's NOT 'greedy' to want some independence. It's normal and human.

Must say I agree with aloha and SMof2. I feel so angry for you hun. You should have a joint bank account and not have to grovel. ((((hugs))))

Thanks all, the thing is, we do have a joint bank account, and I do spend what ever I like out of it, but I hate the feeling of dread when the statement comes in about how much "crap" i have bought etc! He once went through a statement writing "waste" against all my bits and bobs. We have had words, I have explained how I feel and he's kind of seeing it from my side, but then phoned to say the girls definatly don't want to go on holiday so he has cancelled his week off! ta, thats great!
Its been good to get it off my chest

spikey I have been in a very similar financial situation to you and there is nothing worse that have to ask for money for everyday things when they can go swanning off and buy what they want, when they want. We didn't (and still don't ) have a joint bank account so when I was at home with DS2 I even had to ask him for money to go to the supermarket. He would allocate a certain amount each week which I had to stick to. It was so humiliating and it was just like living with my Dad. He still treats me like a child but now that I am working I don't feel so bad about about it. I still don't have much money as almost all of my earnings go on childcare (he pays the mortgage and bills etc).

Have new gripe now.....he won't let me drive his car! He bought a new car recently, not a particularly flashy one and it is an estate, family car but when I go out with the kids on my own I have to take my knackered old Peugot 205. I used to drive the old car and admittedly I did scrape the side, but what the hell do we pay all that money on insurance for? It doesn't always feel like a partnership, more a dictatorship.

Sorry, I seem to have taken over your rant! I hope you manage to work things out and sometimes it is good to try and work through it and give it a bit of time. I go through such peaks and troughs with my DP and trying to talk it through as much as poss seems to help. Is there any chance of going away for the weekend, just the two of you as then you are forced to talk? Sometimes when you are both a bit more relaxed you can rationalise a bit better. Maybe even just a meal out could do it.

Good Luck.

Spikeycat, while I totally sympathise and think you are in the right, I have to say that if your stepdaughters are pre-teens, Hallow'een is incredibly important to them socially. Trick or Treating has got to be a real fixture in the pre-teen calendar and it's important to my stepdaughter. Having said that she's just changed schools and her friends are away so we might actually go on holiday. I do think it's a shame he can't even have a long weekend somewhere with you and the other two though.
I hope you have got somewhere on the money issue though. That's very important IMO.

I suppose the reason I was pissed about the holiday was more because they have been begging to go on one abroad since DS1 was born (I wouldn't take him any where hot, hence going abroad in october where the nights are cooler for him and ds2 to sleep). and so I was cajooled in to going away in first place. I know that thats just kids though, so I don't hold it against them, but I sometimes feel he should be the parent and TELL them whats going to happen, rather than constantly trying to pacify the situation and do exactly what they want just cos he feels bad that he doesn't live there! He really makes a rod for OUR backs, even his ex has told him about it!!!

Maudy, I have also got the car issue as well! he got a flash new one this week and I'm not on the insurance - no problem, when we go out somewhere (like a family function) I won't be able to drive home, so he can watch me get pissed for a change - ha ha ha! Theres some silver lining to every cloud!