Really miss my old life

[Worakls]

So 8 months ago my husband and I separated after 10 years of marriage and 16 years together. We have DC (9 and 5). He slept with 2 women when our first was little (amongst other awful behaviour such as sex chat online). We had counselling and I agreed to try again. Then when our youngest was 2 he had a full blown 2 month long affair. He ended it but I found out in October last year.
So I know it's over. I could never trust him again, I could never forgive him for destroying me as a person and for putting out kids through this. But God do I miss the life we used to have. We were happy together, he was my best friend and we are a family.
We've started divorce proceedings and I think it's hit me. I will NEVER have that life I wanted for me and my kids and it's heartbreaking. I am struggling to come to terms with this tbh.
When will it get better? When will I be happy again, if ever? Can anyone share any words of wisdom?!

I'm sorry you've gone through this OP. It's horrible, and I fully understand the feeling of never having the life you wanted. My ex left me for OW 6 months ago. So similar circumstances but not identical.

I've found putting myself first and doing things I want to do really helps. It sounds selfish but it's honestly not. Go to the gym, read a book, treat yourself to some new clothes, it could be anything that makes you happy.

I still get upset about not having the life I always thought I'd have. However, my life now isn't too bad. I fully expect it will take time to be over the situation fully but everyday it gets easier. Just take it a day at a time, and after a while you'll look back and realise it worked out better than the life you planned.

Hope that helps! Also don't worry about having a bad day, sometimes they help you realise how far you've come and how much you've dealt with.

It's a really hard transition so be patient with yourself.

Like @WhatInTheHell said you'll probably have moments of regret, he let you down badly.

But you can still find things to enjoy and have contentment and happiness. It takes time.

I don't have children but I really sympathise. You're grieving.

Do you know many single mothers? You are certainly not alone in your situation x

I totally understand this.
Try and concentrate on you. You need to look after yourself before you can look after anyone else. It's ok to grieve for the life you wanted.

I am also separated after a long time together and totally understand what you are saying. I think, when it comes down to it, you are grieving for the life you hoped you'd have, not the one you actually did.
The good news is, that life may well be out there for you still.
I am 18 months on and it is getting easier. Time really does help. Hang in there xx

Actually I do find as you get older things start to accumulate; people die, relationships end, friendships change as well as circumstances. You slowly readjust and accept it for what it is.

I always feel a bit guilty about my grandmother because she was trying to say that to me and although I didn't state that I thought but you have us.

In retrospect I would have loved to sit at her feet and encouraged her to talk about her history. I did try but she was reticent by nature about the past. Different era. Very much loved though.

Thanks for the advice everyone. I suppose it really is time then that's the healer. I have the children most of the time so finding time to do anything for me is pretty tricky. I used to be a gym/run 4/5 times a week person and obviously I can't do that anymore. I do read and watch a favourite TV show. I suppose most of my feelings are linked to sadness and guilt for the kids. They deserve so much better and it breaks me that they won't get the life they deserve 😞

I can relate to this. I still get sad and its been two years for me. Especially when i see families together. But i have to remind myself i was unhappy and its wasnt right. And i give my son the best life I can

@Babypiggy that's helpful to hear although sad really. Do you feel guilty at all? I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. It's their dad who should feel shit but I feel bad for leaving 😞

Yes i do feel guilty...that hasnt got easier for me. But i know i made the right choice

Hard relate. My ExH left suddenly and unexpectedly two years ago. Now doing the 50/50 coparenting thing. Me and DD are doing well and I'm very proud of that.

But yes, having the rug pulled from under you is hard to swallow. At first you have to wake up to it and deal with it all over again every day. And then you adjust very gradually. I miss my family life hugely. Mealtimes are quiet, DD doesn't get to learn how couples interact (though she's still v young), the responsibilities of the house and other decisions big and small sometimes feels overwhelming. But actually, we're bossing it, and most of the time it's fine. One thing I was really worried about at the start was how holidays would look, but we've had some brilliant new-style ones with friends and other family.

I'm often envious of together-families. The way the world is set up for nuclear families is annoying and excluding. But as a friend said to me recently, she's happier in her odd-shaped family than they ever were when they were pretending to be round and conventional.

Not sure if any of this is helpful - I don't really have any tips other than to take pride in the new life you've created. Feel the freedom of being able to pioneer a whole new landscape of your own choosing. Enjoy the advantages of your set-up (own space, time for yrself, no marital conflict?).

Good luck.

My ex cheated on me. What I realised was that making your peace with your separation has multiple layers.
You need to get over him (probably the easiest)
Get over how he treated you
Get over the way you split
Get over the loss of your family unit (the hardest and you probably won’t ever)
Get over the loss of you perceived future
And many others. You need to break down your issues with your split and focus on getting over each bit. I still miss my family unit, especially at Christmas etc. For years I thought it was because I missed my ex and it was horribly confusing until I realised that it’s perfectly ok to miss your family but not miss your ex.

Thanks for the sage advice here - I'm just at the beginning of this journey separating from husband after 20+ years and already mourning the loss of my family unit.

Really useful to read this, split from EH nearly 2 years ago, discovered he'd been seeing a colleague behind my back for quite a while after nearly 25 years together. Divorce recently finalised.
I still miss my family unit and find it hard when my DS is with his dad.
I also massively struggle with the fact that now he has moved the OW in that she gets to spend time with my DS when I can't. Not sure I'll ever be happy about that.
I dread bumping into them playing happy bloody families with my DS.
Things are very acrimonious because of how awful and deceitful he was. I also hate how he has ruined my DS perfect childhood.
I need to get to 'meh' about it all apparently- wish I could!

Thanks to everyone who has replied and although it's sad to hear so many of us suffering in the same way, I take comfort knowing that it's normal at least.
I honestly thought that since it's now 11 months since I discovered the affair that I would be getting better about things, but if anything I've got worse these past few weeks.
It's interesting that all of us are struggling with the family part and I guess what breaks me the most is that my youngest (5) will never experience it and that is just so so unfair. Her whole childhood has been destroyed by his selfish actions. Part of me does go down the route on wondering whether I should just suck it up for her sake. I don't hate my ex and we could no doubt make life ok for the kids at home. We hardly ever argued, life was good, we were respectful and loving towards each other.... This is perhaps why I feel so selfish. I could make it work for them. Do I make this sacrifice for their happiness?

God no.

I could not fathom how you'd live like that. Check any thread on here about staying together for the children. Even in more benign situations, that way misery lies, for everyone.

You've come this far. Keep going.

Only you can decide what to do, but if he's cheated on you multiple times, he will do it again and is being completely disrespectful to you.
I'd worry you'll end up in this position again in 5 or 10 years time.
Sadly I think women often put their children and families happiness before their own whereas men often just think about themselves and don't consider the impact of their poor behaviour on others.
You will find you have good days and bad days (I still do after 2 years) and certain things trigger the bad days/moments but at other times you will feel happy and positive and over time the good days are more than the bad.
Keep talking, keep seeing friends, find hobbies and be the best mum you can. I've not been perfect but know I've put my DS first.

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