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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Cheating partner

13 replies

Newmamfeb2021 · 03/09/2020 17:35

Hi,
Really worried about what I should do for the best. Me and my boyfriend have been together 2 years. In the first year of our relationship I found out that he had been sending explicit messages to another women, videos and pictures etc. I was really upset as this is something that was completely out of character from the person who I had known all this time. He would never explore anything like this with me. He said that he compartmentalised this to our relationship and it was just a fantasy world but he would never do it again. He said that he never had any intentions of meeting this women. I confronted the woman and she confirmed they had never met and she thought he was a fantasist due to them never meeting.
This Christmas I found out he had been doing it again but with a different women. He moved out for a couple of weeks but then I forgave him and he came back just before Chrismas day. Again, he blamed himself and said he had been stupid and us splitting for a short while had made him realise what was going on. I confronted this women and again she confirmed that this had only ever been messages.
I am now 16 weeks pregnant. When we found out it was a shock. When I was 6 weeks pregnant I found out that he had been searching for local prostitutes on his phone. He denies seeing them but given his history I don't believe him in the slightest. We have been living separately since.
I have no idea what to do for the best now. I know this is my fault for giving him chance after chance but I love him and I wanted us to work. I believed him when he said he would change and I only saw the good in him. He said he would book counselling when he first moved out 10 weeks ago and he hasnt done this either. My family all say to just go through with the split before the baby is born and share parental responsibility. Just feels like such a shame

OP posts:
category12 · 03/09/2020 17:39

He's really shown you who he is - don't keep chasing the fantasy family life you could have if he was a decent faithful guy who loved and respected you - he's not that guy.

It is a shame, but you will basically be setting yourself up for years of heartache and nonsense if you have him back.

Aim for amicable co-parenting.
Give the child your own surname.

takeanotherchillpill · 03/09/2020 17:39

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me...

He's not going to change. Go through with the split.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2020 17:46

Do you really think taking him back is in any way reasonable? How many times does he have to cheat before you say enough is enough? Please think about your baby and raise your standards.

Bluntness100 · 03/09/2020 17:52

What are you asking, if you should give him another chance?

Gosh op, how many times does he need to cheat on you before you say enough is enough?

Your family is right, stay split.

BestUseADifferentName · 03/09/2020 17:55

He's a piece of shit. What seems like a shame? He's shown you he will do this disgusting stuff again and again. It would be more than a shame for you to fall for it again and to include your child in a fucked up relationship.

fuandylp · 03/09/2020 18:26

He's a horrible piece of shit and a waste of space. Do not take him back ever again.
He's now done this twice and you've taken him back twice.
Now he's looking for prostitutes.

As someone who has been through this I would never have believed that I would be the sort of person who would forgive a man for things like this. I even forgave my ex twice for sleeping with prostitutes. Why?? I will never know. I think it was to do with other issues going on in my life clouding my judgement and wanting the relationship to continue as that was the only vaguely stable thing in my life at the time.
So, yes, I do understand why you've forgiven him and taken him back twice even though other people on Mumsnet might not be able to understand you doing this.
However, now is the time to say that you will not forgive him and you do not want him back.
It's over. For good.
Concentrate on your pregnancy and on building up your own self-esteem. You are worth so much more than this little shit.

Suzi888 · 03/09/2020 18:29

Don’t take him back, he will never change and you’ll end up truly heartbroken.

blanchmange50 · 03/09/2020 18:49

There is nothing else to say- he has shown you who he is. Now you need to focus on yourself and your baby..

Bunnymumy · 03/09/2020 19:05

Someone respects you or they don't.

Counciling doesnt fix a complete disregard, lack of empathy and general cruelty to ones partner. He is who he is. And who he is is someone who will never care a jot about you or your feelings.

He has shown you time and time again. Believe it.

itsureis · 03/09/2020 19:07

I do really wish that people would be honest with each other when they are in relationships.
He is who he is and probably won't ever be fully committed to your relationship. Can you live with that ?
You can't change him so you either have to live with him or split.
He is going to be in your life though, for the next 18yrs at least, so you need to work on your friendship.

Allgirlmum · 03/09/2020 20:40

Dump him

Anordinarymum · 03/09/2020 20:44

He won't change. You need to keep this in the forefront of anything you decide to do

MsDogLady · 04/09/2020 02:54

He has no intention of ever being faithful, OP. If you reunite, be prepared to take regular STD tests.

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