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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Men who stonewall - can they change?

44 replies

DocusDiplo · 03/09/2020 05:55

Hello.

I've met a.man who has admitted he didn't talk to his ex-wife for days.

We have only had a few dates and I'm wondering how to deal with it.

I know I'm jumping ahead in my thoughts! He seems quite nice but this has.made me wary.

I'm wondering whether his openness is a good sign?

Could he change? Has anyone had any experience of people changing?

I know you'll all tell me I'm naive and that's OK too, but just thought just perhaps there's a possibility men can change?

Thank you.

OP posts:

Wannabegreenfingers · 03/09/2020 20:52

No no no and no, they cannot change. Walk away now

Original poster

DocusDiplo · 04/09/2020 09:37

Hey everyone. Thanks for all your comments and thoughts, it really is helpful and I appreciate you all for taking the time to write

I think this guy is not one who could put me under his spell - I can usually identify those. The power balance is in my favour and I'm going to keep it that way.

I guess the reason I'm a bit confused is because usually I equate such such behaviour as abusive and harmful and with bad intent, but I'm just wondering whether his might be less 'malacious' and from learning bad ways of dealing with conflict. His childhood had some odd experiences that I won't share for privacy (not CSA or DV though) but that might have affected him unknowingly.

If I start feeling like things might get messy, I'll leave immediately. I only have information now, not any action. It might be the wrong decision but I'm going to gamble...

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/09/2020 09:43

Would urge you to think again.

A person cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in any relationship. DO not gamble on your emotional wellbeing here with this man; you cannot rescue and or save him. He's been testing you to see precisely what your own boundaries are.

Bunnymumy · 04/09/2020 09:44

Did he actually use the word 'stonewall'?? Because that in itself is an indicator he may have an abusive past. It's an odd word choice. Surely most people would say...'avoiding/blanking out' or just that they 'retreated into themselves a lot' or 'didn't know how to deal with the arguing so tended to leave the room instead' ect...

But 'Stonewalling' is a word people who research abuse may use to describe their abusers behaviour. So it may be that the ex accused him of stonewalling because she had been reading up on abusive tactics, realising that he was an abuser.

It would put me on guard op.
That and the fact that he would even tell you that at all...its common for abusers to tell you exactly what they are and how they will behave going forwards, like this.

Suzi888 · 04/09/2020 09:46

Maybe I'll just go with the flow for light fun and not stay detached emotionally. That's quite difficult for me though!

Don’t do it!

category12 · 04/09/2020 09:51

What's the point?

I think this guy is not one who could put me under his spell
Why take the risk?

Imagine: you come to a rope-bridge - you can already see rotten planks - there's no-one forcing you onto the rope-bridge, there are other ways round - would you start crossing?

Bence69 · 04/09/2020 09:54

My stbxh used silent treatment throughout our 16 years together, he could go days even weeks without talking to me. It’s abuse & a form of punishment. He is still doing now not communicating with me about our children. Guys who do this are weak and Childish and just generally CUNTS

SeaEagleFeather · 04/09/2020 10:29

Imagine: you come to a rope-bridge - you can already see rotten planks - there's no-one forcing you onto the rope-bridge, there are other ways round - would you start crossing?

Great analogy

Techway · 04/09/2020 16:08

I guess the reason I'm a bit confused is because usually I equate such such behaviour as abusive and harmful and with bad intent, but I'm just wondering whether his might be less 'malacious'

Intent or otherwise won't protect you from the harm. Have you been in a relationship with a stonewaller? It is highly destructive and ingrained behaviour.

You started with "can they change" generally if an adult, No
Then "I won't fall for him"
To finally "maybe he isn't intentionally malicious"

You know it's not healthy yet trying to justify.

Are there really no other men out there for you? Do you feel he might be last chance saloon? Whilst you are hooked up with him, your Mr Right might be searching for you.

nosswith · 04/09/2020 16:20

If it was a man child in their early 20s, perhaps, but the man in the OPs life seems a lot older, so I doubt it very much.

billy1966 · 04/09/2020 16:26

Why would you bother though.

Wasting time on him, instead of looking further.🤷‍♀️

LadyH846 · 04/09/2020 16:26

I've just broken up with a stone waller. It is really upsetting OP. I wouldn't want to go there again. I highly recommend being with someone who is motivated to resolve relationship challenges rather than just be silent until the other person cracks.

user1481840227 · 04/09/2020 16:42

@DocusDiplo

Hey everyone. Thanks for all your comments and thoughts, it really is helpful and I appreciate you all for taking the time to write

I think this guy is not one who could put me under his spell - I can usually identify those. The power balance is in my favour and I'm going to keep it that way.

If I start feeling like things might get messy, I'll leave immediately. I only have information now, not any action. It might be the wrong decision but I'm going to gamble...

It doesn't matter if it's not intentional. The effect on the other person is still the same.

Most abusive people will have stories from their past that might go some part to explaining how they treat people in future, things that shaped how they treat others. It doesn't mean it was ok.

When he said he didn't talk to his ex wife for days you could have questioned him further on that...asked him had he taken any steps to address what caused him to behave that way so he didn't carry it on into future relationships.

Things don't start to get messy and they don't start stonewalling you until they can, when you're already sucked in!

52andblue · 21/09/2020 19:36

placemarking with interest.

hobbyhobby · 21/09/2020 19:54

My husband does this to me. If/when we argue, he goes for days ignoring me. It never used to be like this and it has got worse over time. He is now convinced this suits him as it means he never has to do any conflict resolution and he gets to detach and detach completely from any responsibility (housework, family events etc) while we are in that phase.
I would strongly urge you NOT to go any further with this man. He would need to be in constant therapy of his own choosing before I’d even consider dating somebody who did this ever again. This will RUIN YOUR LIFE. It will destroy your self confidence and self esteem. Somebody who does this is immature and repressed and selfish. RUN. This is why his previous relationship finished. You are a fool if you do not heed my warning. Men who do this have an ingrained need to be right.

hobbyhobby · 21/09/2020 19:57

If I’d known this behaviour would be in my life, I would never have got married and had kids.

LilyLongJohn · 21/09/2020 19:59

I dated someone who told me he was basically a cunt. A laughed it off, but every time he was horrid or abusive, he'd roll out the 'well I did tell you I was a cunt'

He'd wear it like a badge of honour, but it turned out he was simply what he said he was, 'a cunt'

Appleofmyeye05 · 21/09/2020 23:15

I wouldn’t even leave it to chance! 🚩

52andblue · 22/09/2020 15:47

@LilyLongJohn

I dated someone who told me he was basically a cunt. A laughed it off, but every time he was horrid or abusive, he'd roll out the 'well I did tell you I was a cunt'

He'd wear it like a badge of honour, but it turned out he was simply what he said he was, 'a cunt'

Yes, I have wasted many years on someone like that (twice, in fact, same person - doh!)

I wished i'd heard the phrase before: 'when someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time'

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