Life after an abusive relationship.

user12642379742146 · 02/09/2020 23:14

How long has it been?

"Moving on" as if something never happened is not a thing, but healing is. It takes time.

You couldn't process what was being done to you while you were still in the relationship because your brain needed to keep you in survival mode, so it will all come to the surface now while your brain catches up with itself and makes sense of everything before putting it in the archives.

Anger is a natural emotion when you're traumatised. It will pass once you've worked through it - because you have just cause to feel angry and it can help power you through some of the stuff you're facing now. Just be careful not to use it in destructive ways (including by turning it inwards).

Some of that anger too is your brain logging warning signs and things to avoid in future to keep you safe from being in this position again. Try to look at it that way rather than being yourself up for staying in the past.

It all feels shit but it does serve a purpose and is a sign you have already started healing (a bit like when a wound becomes really itchy and sore as the skin heals).

Have you had / been referred for trauma therapy?

Original poster

Paris3404 · 02/09/2020 23:19

Thank you for replying.
It's been since May...I know I did the right thing, my IDVA said I demonstrated that I can safeguard my child my removing her from the abusive environment. I think that's just it, I need to heal and want to look back on this as something that's made me a stronger person. I've not been referred to counselling or therapy yet though I have asked to be theres a lot I want to say. I just feel so angry that he wanted to treat me this way. He's accountable for how he behaves and nobody made him treat me in the horrific way he did.

OP posts:

Daisy434 · 02/09/2020 23:23

I totally understand the anger and the "waste" of your life and how it was supposed to be. It maybe feels like you gave away part of your life for nothing, to end up as "less than" you were supposed to be. But it wasn't for nothing and it wasn't futile. Life isn't about running through fields on sunny days in slow motion it's about surviving, and learning and fighting. And you did all that in spades. You REALLY need to focus on how amazing you were to recognise and extricate from that situation. It is a really difficult thing to do and you managed it with a daughter in tow. She can be proud of you for that. Are you looking to access counselling?, I can't recommend it highly enough in this circumstance.

Wondersense · 02/09/2020 23:28

@Daisy434

I totally understand the anger and the "waste" of your life and how it was supposed to be. It maybe feels like you gave away part of your life for nothing, to end up as "less than" you were supposed to be. But it wasn't for nothing and it wasn't futile. Life isn't about running through fields on sunny days in slow motion it's about surviving, and learning and fighting. And you did all that in spades. You REALLY need to focus on how amazing you were to recognise and extricate from that situation. It is a really difficult thing to do and you managed it with a daughter in tow. She can be proud of you for that. Are you looking to access counselling?, I can't recommend it highly enough in this circumstance.

Agreed.

You will be angry. It will come & go and appear less often as time goes by. Anger in thus case is a good thing - spurring onto action and it shows you realise that you didn't deserve it, as some women might.

Anordinarymum · 02/09/2020 23:30

@Paris3404

How do you genuinely move on from an abusive relationship. The relationship I left culminated in extreme physical violence. I have a DC with this man and I want to at some point rebuild my life but don't know how. My daughter and I have started a new life elsewhere and every day I feel like I'm fighting someone to get somewhere.. I just don't know how ill ever truly be able to feel at peace. Its hit me the last days.. Not because I miss him.. I'm quite happy for him to drop dead tomorrow.. But I'm angry I let myself be treated this way by him. I'm angry for trying so hard for years and years to make this failed relationship work.. I'm angry he feels he can still control me by withholding financial help. I just know I didn't deserve it.

You know that by witholding financial help he is using whatever means he can to hurt you because he has no control?

Abusers can only carry on if they hold power. Don't allow him that luxury even if he does not know you think he is controlling you in some way

Does that make sense?

dublingirl66 · 02/09/2020 23:32

This is so important

I wish you knew how to do so

Fled with a 7 week old baby

Now I am so angry and binge eating

We need to congratulate ourselves for the bravery we have shown

But there are days it is just so hard

For me with a court case looming it makes it even harder

Stay strong
Stay connected with kind decent people

Original poster

Paris3404 · 02/09/2020 23:43

Thank you everyone. Yes I had an IDVA contact me today and I've asked for a referral to counselling, it's very high up on my list as there's so many things I just need to get out of my mind and off my chest and I recognise I need it in order to be able to transition from a victim to a survivor.. Not that I want to be seen as either of those..I don't feel depressed or down or anything, I'm trying to take each day as it comes, my daughter and I have been through such a traumatic few months, we've had to completely leave the life we've had and start again. He's threatened all sorts, 50/50 custody, threatened to manipulate every text and communication to make me look mental.. I think the only way I can describe how I feel is just utterly disgusted and disgraced I was with such a violent animal. Every day I just want to take a small step to making my life better. I got very choked up talking to my IDVA about my DD, I said at times I've just wanted to sit and sob but I look at her and she's so happy and settled and I know that's because of me.. I think I just need some help finding my self worth back xx

OP posts: