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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Visiting Family, am I being mean?

6 replies

LongDale · 06/10/2007 12:55

I live in the city and my grandad lives in a nearby village. It's not really far away but its two bus rides...the second of which takes about an hour and there and back it costs quite a bit in fares.

Anyway he's always saying I don't go and see him enough. I went before my holiday and I came back from there last week. Last Monday my mum said "I've told grandad we'll go on friday, are you coming?" so I said no. 1 reason for this is that I've just come back off holiday and money is extremely tight until I get paid next week and another reason is that my uni course started last week and I had arranged to go and buy my books on friday.

So she started saying "oh, he'll be disapointed...you know what he's like..." so I said "sorry but I had already arranged things for friday and I cant afford to go this week anyway" so she started saying jokingly "I'm going to tell him you wont come even though we arranged it" I never arranged anything...SHE arranged to go, not me.

Anyway, she went on friday...I spent the day buying my books and studying. When she got home she phoned me and said that my grandad was disapointed that I didn't go. I was angry because I never said I was going in the first place and I feel like I'm always expected to jump when people say. I told her I was busy but she just says I'm making excuses not to go.

Anyway she then said "I've told him we'll arrange something for next week but I don't know what day..." so angrily I snapped "I don't know what I'm doing next week".

I didn't mean to snap but I hate things being organised for me and I cant stand people trying to boss me around.

Am I being out of order?

OP posts:
compo · 06/10/2007 12:59

Do you go with the kids? Maybe it's that he wants to see his great grandchildren?
Couldn't your mum drive him over to yours or give you a lift?

colditz · 06/10/2007 13:01

make your arrangments to see your Grandad independantly. Don't ever go with your mum, then she can't pile the pressure on you.

LongDale · 06/10/2007 13:03

My mum doesnt't drive and he wouldn't go anway, he hardly ever leaves the house.

Its awkward with the kids because they're at school all week and with their dad on weekends. I do take them down in the holidays though.

OP posts:
RGPargy · 06/10/2007 13:12

next time your mum says about going to see him, just say "oh it's ok. You make your own arrangements coz i'm going to go and see him on such and such a date instead" or something similar?

how annoying for you!

mumzyof2 · 06/10/2007 20:19

I get the same kind of thing, arangements are made, and you are expected to go, whether you want to, or are even free. It isnt fair, but also a topic that you will never win!

thegardener · 07/10/2007 20:19

It sounds like a bit of a jaunt to get there on a good day let alone when you're busy/with kids.

could you phone him instead of visiting when it isn't convenient or writting to him & send some photo's instead.

Some mum's just forget what it's like having to look after kids and studying etc and need reminding because it is unfair to expect you to make these visits when you aren't able to go. Maybe they think it's what you need at the moment as you're not with your husband

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