Why Did He Behave Like This?

[IncandescentSilver]

I kniw I've posted about thus before, but it's proving difficult for me to get over the end of my relationship.

My ex cheated on me during lockdown as we were in a LDR at the time. I've since moved back to the mutual city for work as its where I come from and I still own a house there.

I've known the ex for years, mutual interests, always flirty around each other, had been in a very happy relationship with him for 2 years. Know his family vaguely, grew up in a village close to him, used to holiday together with mutual friends before we got together. I adored him and I thought he adored me.

He dumped me after he began a relationship with the other woman in a 3 minute phone call. "sorry, I guess I'm just bad at relationships". "I'm not a good boyfriend". No real explanation, refused to meet up to talk about it.

I never got the chance to tell him I was moving back or my new job.

I went 2 months non contact then realised I still had stuff at his. Messaged him quite calmly and pleasantly to say I would like it back at some point and he replied saying he would bring it round. I told him when I would be in and he promptly came round when I knew I would be out and left it on my doorstep, then sent me a message saying thats what he had done and he "thought it better not to meet up". I did reply saying his behaviour was upsetting me and I thought he was being unnecessarily unkind

So I went no contact again. Last week I went on whatsapp, which I hardly ever use and changed my profile picture. Then I noticed he had gone blank on it. He has blocked or deleted me on whatsapp.

So he has basically rejected me 3 times, not just once. I'm actually seeing a psychologist as he has upset me so much, and she says I'm finding it hard to get over because I've had no resolution or proper explanation, and I should try and get him to meet up to talk or write him a letter. I know he won't meet up and I don't want to put myself into making myself even more vulnerable by writing him a letter.

The woman he is supposed to be with has nothing in common with him and seems the opposite to what he is usually attracted to. There is nothing on his or her social medua profiles to say they're together. It's all so confusing.

I can't decide if he's been a cheat all along and he's done a disappearing act because he feels guilty or ashamed, or whether he is just a user of women who drops them when he's finished. Or maybe he thinks I'm going to turn into some crazy stalker and turn up at his house (but he's known me for 15 years and he knows I'm not like that) and possibly jeapordise his new relationship. It's so upsetting, be ause it was really hard to find a new job in lockdown and its a really good proffessional job that commands a lot of resoect, yet he is treating me like this.

I know a lot of men do this now - dump, ghost and block - but I think it feels worse because I've known him for so long and he always made out to be a kind and moral person. He was y someone I'd kniwn on Tinder for 5 minutes.

Thoughts? He has a bit of an avoidant personality, but this is really taking the proverbial. I'd fine it much easier to get over the relationship break down if I'd had a proper explanation, rather than "sorry, but I've met someone else now. I was bored and feeling lonely". He is 40.

Endings like that really hit you hard - in retrospect sometimes the signs are there, but not always easy to spot when you’re in the middle of it! I read a (slightly mawkish, but relevant) quote once which stuck with me - ‘the way they leave tells you everything’. It’s true. What you have described strikes me as cruel.
I don’t necessarily agree that chasing for a solution will work, but that’s because sometimes there isn’t actually a rational explanation as such. You can’t fix his avoidant nature or change what’s happened. It will rob you of dignity to chase him. I had a relationship end last year - it felt like a complete 180 at the time, but it was actually because he was so hot and cold. It felt like being gut punched. It really gave me a shock and now I really feel like I learned a big lesson from it - at the time I was starting a new job and had to hold it together all the time.
You sound really kind. Let this go - grieve what you thought it was but remember that his behaviour now is who he really is.

Do not meet up with him!
Do not try and tell him how his behaviour has upset you. He will not care.
How he is behaving towards you is not normal, there is nothing wrong with you, your feelings are completely valid and understandable he is treating you extremely badly. He is purposely being hurtful.
I have had this done to me and it's soul destroying especially when you can't recognise the person from their behaviour.

I'm actually seeing a psychologist as he has upset me so much, and she says I'm finding it hard to get over because I've had no resolution or proper explanation, and I should try and get him to meet up to talk or write him a letter.

I can't believe a qualified therapist would actually recommend you meet up with an emotionally abusive dickhead who will never give you the answers you think you want.

I can't decide if he's been a cheat all along and he's done a disappearing act because he feels guilty or ashamed, or whether he is just a user of women who drops them when he's finished.

Does it really matter? It's over and he's actually done you the biggest favour of your life by ending it. Imagine how tragic it would have been if you wasted even more time on this idiot. Sadly, you need to come to grips with the fact that you never really knew this man at all. You knew only what he wanted you to see. It's time to move on.

Samb80. Thank you for saying that. I've tried to talk to a couple of mutual friends about it, but they just make excuses for him because he is "shy". However, male mutual friend (actually former friend of his, they lost contact) actually described him as a "psychopath"!

I think he is being deliberately cruel and getting gratification out of it.

Im feeling better every day. The problem is that my healing has been interrupted, first after 2 months by him upsetting me again by leaving my stuff at my door, and then 2 weeks later by him blocking me on whatsapp as soon as I changed my profile picture. I didnt even contact him! At least now I know he is out to act like a dick. I wouldn't be surprised if he thinks up something else to get at me, if he can be bothered.

Honestly, right up until it ended, he was the ideal boyfriend! He even told me he was changing to voting for my political choice in the general election!

It is such a horrible horrible situation- it makes you question your own sanity.
Keep an eye out for what triggers you and give yourself time and space to come to terms with it.
Just push through it and don't try and get in touch with him because unfortunately he will get a kick out of it.

OP I really understand how you feel. When I broke up with an ex I wanted closure and asked to meet up to talk but ‘he wasn’t ready’ it’s absolute bullshit and he basically doesn’t have the balls to see you. I’m now happily married and well past that- do I still wonder what made him end the relationship.... sure... every now and then, but soooo happy it did. Hindsight’s a wonderful thing and you’ve picked up a few things already - avoidant personality etc- find someone who you can have clear communication with and your golden. I know it’s tough- but stay strong and don’t contact him anymore. ❤️

Maybe have a little read about narcissism, the term gets bandied about a lot but most awful guys share the same traits and dating styles. If your biggest issue is closure just try and accept that you will never get closure from him. You can give yourself closure by knowing that he's a dick who doesn't see your needs and never will. Then block him on whatsapp too, get your sense of control back. Block him on all the social medias. Stop looking at theirs. Focus on you.

Oh God you poor thing. It's so unfair to end a relationship in that way. I do think though that you should have just left all the stuff at his- 8 weeks is quite a long way down the line to get it back- and I think he was right in dropping the stuff off when you were out.

The Whatsapp thing is a headfuck, because it kind of suggests that he cares more than he should (why block someone who's not in touch? It's weird.)

Remember- he is not the man you thought he was. You deserve so so much better.

He may have dropped your things off when you were out to try and spare your feelings.

I've got so few contacts on whatsapp, I can see he's gone blank from an old message just by looking at all my messages. Yes, he blocked me the same day I changed my profile photo on it.

What a carry on. It was horrible to come back to a bag of stuff on my doorstep, it really upset me. I specifically asked him not to do that, but I had to ask for it back because it was a special pillow and the thought of someine shagging on a pillow I had bought really upset me. I actually threw it straight in the bin. I did think that after 2 months, considerig how long I've known him, he might have been able to meet up in a park or something!

I'm sure he thinks he's being cruel to be kind. He's not. He's been inhumane. I even got the "you'll be better off without me" line.

I think he just wants casual relationships and I'm getting the brunt of his panic/hysteria about getting over-involved.

Anyway, I am starting to feel much better. The blocking thing last week set me back, but the last day or two I'm feeling better.

He's behaved really unkindly and it's no wonder you're upset, but the short sharp breakup is often the kindest in the long run.

It sounds like he just ended it because he had a change of heart, no longer felt the same way etc. It's extremely difficult to find the words to say that to a person you don't want to upset, so the temptation is to blame external factors (I'm stressed at work, the travels too much, you need someone better than me) all of which you can argue with and could potentially overcome. I've done it myself.

But all of that muddies the ending of the relationship. Who here hasn't delivered or taken delivery of an ex's possessions and ended up shagging them? Then you're back to square one.

It'll hurt like hell, I'm so sorry. But over time you'll feel so much stronger. Let him go.

Men that act like that are cowards OP. I had an ex a few years ago who was similar, he would suddenly dump me by text for no reason and block me on social media. Then a few weeks later he would start messaging, calling me multiple times and turning up at my door begging to get back with me. Only he’d then do it again not long after. It really messed me up and I was anxious all the time knowing deep down he would do it again. Eventually I told him to leave me alone or I’d report him for harassment. I still get the odd email from him now but I always ignore, he is nuts!

I completely disagree with the advice you've had to chase him and try to get resolution from him - are you sure that's what the therapist said?! I would think about changing them for another, if so.

You need to give yourself closure.

It's not complicated really - he left you for someone else and he cut off contact because he doesn't want to face you for an uncomfortable conversation in which he's the bastard for cheating and dumping you.

Even if he would talk to you about it, you wouldn't get what you need from him - he'd just roll out excuses and probably make you feel worse.

You'll never get closure from him. You give it to yourself. Delete whatsapp since you hardly use it.
Meeting with him will only make you feel worse.

I don't believed there are any deep reasons why he did this.
Chances are his feelings aren't that deep about anyone. You weren't around, so he got horny and bored. He just went for the next woman to relieve that. In time, you'll see he wasn't all that.

I think I'm just shocked about the way he's behaved because I've known him for so long, and I've mostly only seen the sickly sweet side (although I've seen glimpses of the other side which kind of threw me).

I suspect he's well on the way to becoming one of those users on internet dating thats been around the block a lot of times. Such a shame to end up like that.

I'm quite amazed your therapist or psychologist said what she did.

Hard as it may be...he's ended it. You don't have a right to closure...he gave you a reason and didn't just disappear or ghost you.

You may not like his reason or think it makes sense... but you need to reach a place of acceptance and grieve the end of the relationship.

His behaviour is poor for someone you've known for many years though....he sounds quite immature.

He might have just met someone else when you weren’t there. He may have fallen in love and thought it was easier to just give your stuff back without having to see you. It sounds like he feels guilty about it and didn’t want to have more conversations about it and that’s why he blocked you.

It’s hard when it happens to you, but I don’t think he’s rejected you three times-he’s broken up with you and that’s that as far as he’s concerned. He was a bit of a coward about it which is horrible, but I don’t think he’s been particularly hysterical, cruel, unkind or inhumane-it just didn’t work out and he’s found someone else. I think it’s best to forget about him and move on.

Redlocks He might have just met someone else when you weren’t there. He may have fallen in love and thought it was easier to just give your stuff back without having to see you. It sounds like he feels guilty about it and didn’t want to have more conversations about it and that’s why he blocked you.

Yes, thats exactly what he's done. I don't know if he's fallen in love, I don't think he really gets attached and he always has said he could never see himself getting married or having children. Maybe he's changed...I have my doubts.

The whole way it was done was odd though. I don't know why he had to tell me he'd met someone else, rather than give me the line of it wasn't working. He was lying to me throughout lockdown while he must have been talking to her, telling me we couldn't meet because he was "self isolating to stay safe". He sounded sort of excited about it on the phone. It was easy to find out who it was online because he met her through his tutoring business (when it was against lockdown rules to meet other households), almost as if he wanted me to find out.

I vaguely know who she is and wasn't terribly impressed, perhaps not in the way he thought I would be. She's an...avant guarde choice to say the least, but she is 13 years younger than him (although she really doesn't look young at all). So he might be angry at me that I don't share his obvious excitement at the new girlfriend. I don't think I would have minded so much if I'd been left for some great beauty with brains or talent to match, but obviously I'm not a man! Lots of comments on her FB page about sex and sexual acts, rather crude with swearing, etc and he's quite the opposite. Her page is public, nothing about him so far but he's the type who probably likes to be seen to be single so he can flirt if the opportunity arises. Its what he did with me with a previous girlfriend (I only found out much, much later).

So that might be behind the blocking me - he's angry at me now, even though I'm not the one who cheated and dumped! I definately think he's getting some kind of kick out of rejecting and dumping me somehow, don't know how to explain it. Like its all part of the excitement, because I was the obvious choice girlfriend.

This is the man who told me to use Tinder the previous time he dumped me... thought he'd changed and grown up...

Firstly, this has happened to me and its devastating, secondly get off her FB page as you will go round the bend! It doesn't matter what she is or does, he has fallen for her. You need to pull your big girl pants up, block her and him from everything including his number. Mine (after doing exactly like yours did) wanted to come back after 18 months. I did not speak to him or communicate in any way with him when I got dumped for the OW. 5 years later he still finds a way to contact me. He's been through a couple of relationships since ending it with me. I had therapy as it knocked me for 6 as I had known him and his family for over 25 years before ending up in a relationship. I spoke to my ex why he left the way he did, left a bin bag of my stuff on the doorstep, blocked me immediately from everything and generally behaved like someone I didn't know. He said the guilt at ending it the way he did consumed him and he had to block as he felt so bad within himself. He has since apologised and try to wheedle his way back to me with absolutely no effect. I cant stand the man now and have no feelings for him and glad he is out of my life. He is quite a lonely man now with a lot of issues. So, for you, stop trying to make sense of your situation....you will never find any answers or closure. You have to move on step by step, a moment at a time. Good luck x

He sounds gutless and horrible. Why would you want to meet up? What’s he going to say to give you closure? Nothing! At least nothing you could trust.
You’ve dodged a bullet.

Block his girlfriend, your going to end up sending friend request if you keep surfing the page.

Never let this man back into your life!

The more information I have though, the more I'm getting the ick. Because otherwise, I'd be imagining himself with someone gorgeous. And I still remember him as a hot 25 year old, and the reality of him turning into a younger woman chaser because he's now 40 and balding is doing me a lof of good in getting over it.

Guilt makes a great excuse for treating people badly I suppose!