Being pitied is the only time my parents gave any attention

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My parents never really gave me/my sisters much individual attention unless they felt sorry for us or pitied us for something. For example, I remember when I fell out with a friend at school and my DF (who usually was emotionally absent) took me out for a meal and clothes shopping. The same thing happened to my siblings. Injuries, disappointing exam results, falling out with friends/boyfriends, illnesses all gave you attention. I remember when I was around 6 or 7 I felt sad and needed some love and attention from my parents so I decided to sit in the garden without a coat so I would be cold and they would feel sorry for me? It's so weird writing it down.

Even as adults it is the same. I recently had a health scare and it is the kindest my parents have ever been to me. My sister recently had some difficulties and now she is in the pity/attention phase. It is hurtful when one week your parents are being kind and thoughtful and then the next week it seems that you have been dropped for your sister and it just cycles through us with there always being a "golden child".

For context I do think my DF may be narcissistic and he is the parent that mainly does this pity/attention thing. I also want to clarify that I am not talking about just parents sympathising with their children when they are going through difficult times which is normal. I mean a strong sense of pity/feeling sorry for us that manifests as complete attitude and behavioural changes towards us. It seems at times that my DF enjoys feeling sorry for others.

Did anyone else experience this?

Yes I experience this with my family. They can’t be happy for me but love jumping in when my life falls apart. They are like this with everybody. Mother became a carer (unpaid) for a neighbour with cancer. She jumps in on every tragedy

@meadowmom, mine too! You have summed it up perfectly. Although even my current separation and divorce are apparently not interesting enough to garner much attention at the moment. I do distinctly remember going out for a meal en route to my parents' house shortly after having had an ectopic pregnancy, and my mother mournfully informing our Little Chef server what had happened to me. Poor woman really didn't know how to react.

Yes, a bit. I think it comes from needing to be needed.

Yes my parents are like this. They love to feel needed so form close relationships with family and friends who they feel that they can help. They get annoyed with me as I don’t want that type of one-sided ‘help’, and would rather just have support, so they don’t know how to interact with me.

It’s quite annoying really because it’s all about their need but they make it out to be about yours. I’ve had a hell of a six months with my kids but I’ve kept a lot to myself because the excess attention and handwringing will only add to the burden.
I feel awful because my mum is also generous and does clearly care about us all - it’s just she grew up in a very toxic household and has never seen the effects.