I genuinely don't know what to do..........

[TheSnootiestFox]

So, please could someone give me their opinions?

I was in a sexless 15 year marriage due to ED. DH refused to seek treatment save for conceiving purposes. My wedding night took 3 months to happens and then nothing at all after DS2 was conceived. I left when he was 8. I did obviously know there were problems before we got married but when I tried to bail was begged not to, was told that once the stress of the wedding was over I'd be beating him off with a big stick, etc etc and I felt really shallow for even considering it.

I'm so screwed up now I need specialist therapy. I hate everyone who's had a normal marriage, a honeymoon, regular sex, kids conceived in a moment of passion and I hate myself for it.

Anyway, 2 years after leaving, I've met the most perfect man. He's everything I've ever wanted and more. But he has diabetes and yes you've guessed it, ED. 6 months in he's never been hard and is as distraught as I am. He tells me he had an amazing sex life with his ex wife and Im consumed with envy every time I think of her. He's spoken to his GP today who says there's nothing she can do but will refer him to a urologist. He lives in a different area from me where I know there are ED clinics and everything is dealt with quickly and with very supportive specialist nurses. I don't know how long a urologist will take but I'm guessing it'll be months.

I feel like I've been hit by a train. I know deep down I can't deal with it again but I'm fairly convinced that I love him. I also have stage 3 lipoedema so I'm not attractive in the conventional sense so just meeting someone else wouldn't be so easy. Head is telling me to run now but is there any chance this will be ok?

Didn't want to read and run and don't really have much to offer but is viagra an option to try?

Sorry should have mentioned, neither Viagra or the other weekend version (can't remember the name) work. Some thing to do with nerve damage due to uncontrolled sugars when his wife left.

Penile implants can be an effective treatment for ED in diabetics, OP. But there may be a very long waiting list due to cancelled clinics during the pandemic. There is also the issue of whether you can face going through all this again, given the history with your ex.
You are the only person who can decide whether this man and this relationship are worth the hassle, or whether you would prefer to end it before getting any more emotionally involved.

What bad luck you've had op! I really don't know if it will be good for you to go through all of this again? I think I'd be ending it tbh, I know that sounds terrible but sex is obviously very important to you. Be happy.

This isn't what you want and he isn't going to be able to meet your needs.
As lovely as he is you will probably begin to resent him.

Only you can decide but if you're feeling you've been hit by a train, surely that's no good for you and your mental health and you are repeating what you have already been through.
Time to put your needs first.

I've had bad luck like this too. Thankfully I never thought it was personal.

What I will say is don't expect too much from the urologist. But I might be judging from just one individual.

My lover with ED had a very small penis anyway, about 3 inches or something, so the medical grade pump (which is probably what your OH will be given) still didn't make it impressive.

If your OH has an ok-sized one it will probably be ok.

This isn't quite the same as the one my ex had, but they all work in a similar way.

The pump also needs a bit of time to do its job before a 'session.' My ex would not give it long enough so he still wouldn't be hard enough, so I didn't tend to encourage us trying sex as I thought it would just be demoralizing for him.

And they need to practice with the pump every day to use it effectively.

He may also have reduced sensitivity as part of his illness. My ex used to make me suck him off for 45 minutes, which was beyond a chore. Mainly that was just an ego boost for him rather than leading to him coming. He would very occasionally come if he was watching extreme porn while I was doing it. As part of his condition he could never ejaculate. That wasn't necessarily a bad thing from a woman's perspective, but I thought it was something I'd let you know.

I don't want to depress you.

If I were you I'd look elsewhere. The older we get,the more the men around us will unfortunately have these issues due to their age. So you need to grab all the ok sex you can ASAP.

You sound an interesting person, so the lipodema won't stop you finding a partner. xx

So why have you fallen for 2 men with ED? Unlucky? Not quite, as your bar has been readjusted too low from your exH, so you have chosen to wait 6 months whereas some would of ended it before getting emotionally attached.
The other thing is, you can have a decent sex life without need of an erection, there's lots of other things he can do, however, if that doesn't happen either, there's no excuse for that, so what's the point?

Thanks for your responses.its not looking good is it? and no, opentooffers my bar is not low, 4 of those 6 months were in lockdown where I wasn't choosing anything!

Draw a line under it OP as difficult as it may be.

You’ve been through enough ED with your ex, in the end it will end up being exactly the same this time around. Life is too short to go through this again. Go and enjoy some hard cock.

Oh and I don’t believe him about the sex with his ex, I expect he was just as limp then.

you can have a decent sex life without need of an erection,

@Opentooffers To an extent but it's honestly not the same if it's full time/virtually full time. Not if you like PIV. I don't like receiving oral, so it's even less satisfying to have non-penetrative 'sex.'

And yes- it is possible to be unlucky and end up having two or more partners with long-term ED. I suppose as you say, we/I could bin them sooner though.

@TheSnootiestFox I did bin the 3rd one I came across after one session of appalling 'sex.' You know what you maybe need to do-- make your excuses and leave. xxx

You know how it goes with ED more that anyone, so given what you know, it's now up to you to decide if you can live with it again. Nerve damage from uncontrolled diabetes sounds like it's going to be hard, if not impossible to change. There are likely other health issues too. I hope he's shielding as type 2 diabetes Hans covid can have a very bad outcome.

I'm another who doesn't believe him about how sex was with his ex.

Whether sex with his ex was good or he's lying, I think it's really shit of him to say that. Putting the onus on you to either deal with it or try to make it better, when it is in fact his issue. He doesn't sound great and I honestly would leave. I've been in two sexless long term relationships and they took me a long time to get over.

As a PP said, whether sex with his ex was good or not it’s a really cruel thing to tell you! I would throw this one back though, ED has caused you so much emotional trauma in the past it’s just not worth it.

Leave him, sweetie, and go out and get a good pounding. When your head clears from that, you'll be in a position to look around for a long-term partner.

Thanks all 🙁 I am beyond sad as this aside he's my soul mate. But you're right. Been there, not done it got the therapy......

I don’t believe the sex comments regarding his ex.

Really you don’t know this man that well. You haven’t really invested, and you can find a man without ED. Ignore the intensity of feeling - actually I suspect that intensity partly rests on your frustrations. Don’t become the fixer, find the right one.

If he is your soul mate, you would accept him with all his flaws, ED would not matter. But it does to you, and it’s not shallow; you want a full sexual relationship with a man.

You’ve gone without for so long and you only live once so you know what you need to do. I also can’t believe this new chap would tell you how great he used to be at sex while he is now basically useless, that seems cruel.