Toxic childhood and relationships

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Hi all,

So if you had a toxic childhood due to terrible relationship and household issues between your parents, do you feel it affected your current relationship ?

I feel like I’m certainly figuring things out from scratch. I hadn’t realised how affected I was until late.

I struggle with communication.. trust issues. Small issues turn into massive ones because of my lack of skill at handling them..

I would like to know what people do to overcome those issues and teach themselves. Counselling and therapy isn’t an option.

Is there any books you would recommend. Me and my siblings are all struggling with similar things..

Simple things like what’s normal and what’s not. How to put boundaries. How to address minor issues before they become big. Day to day communication and how that looks like. How to handle intense emotions. How to cooperate as a couple.

I’m figuring things out from scratch and I’m doing well by consulting and being an open book with friends and family.. but I feel it’s so unfair on me and my DH. We both come from toxic backgrounds and are really struggling because at time’s your need a foresight to be able to plan and communicate and to be able to put a finger on ur insecurities and emotions.. and all we have is the here and now and the confused immature ability to handle relationship problems which takes all our focus and energy...

I’m sure there are so many like me. And I look at those that can express themselves and handle issues like a breeze with so much envy. Because after all my hard work I’m only just scratching the surface .

I wouldn’t care if it wasn’t for the fact it affects everyone in our family and I wish it didn’t fall down to me to make that difference.

What support is thrrr for people like me

Bump

Sorry to hear you had an unhappy time at home growing up, OP.

My parents had a dreadful relationship and yes, it has affected me and my two siblings quite significantly. I've been very lucky with DH and my marriage has been successful (down to luck more than anything, I think - also he had a very stable home with happily married parents, so hasn't had his own issues to deal with). But I really feel it has impacted my skills with friendships.

My parents didn't socialise at all (they couldn't be trusted in the same room as each other for more than thirty minutes without a blazing row) and ironically were horribly critical of everyone, despite their own obvious failings. So I had no role model at all for what a normal friendship looks like, and looking back I was a pretty terrible friend as a teen and young adult. Although I have a small number of really good friends now, I feel sad I have missed the opportunity for lifelong friends.

I am also hugely conflict avoidant, which has impacted both friendships and work.

I have considered therapy over the years (both my siblings have had therapy at various times) but never felt quite 'bad enough'. As I've got older (I'm mid 40s now) I guess I have just figured more stuff out on my own. I've often thought about joining the Stately Homes threads, but again my experiences don't seem that bad compared to others, although it has had a bit affect on me.

I think there are quite a few books that deal with toxic parents, hopefully someone will be along to recommend something.

Good luck on your path.

Thanks so much for your response.

So I’ve been on the stately home threads but at times I need a break from it bevshse all the validation on there brings all the bad memories to the forefront and it takes me a while to process it all while maintaining focus on my day to day.. and staying mindful.

I think reading books like toxic parents and all that is good for personal healing and whatnot.

But still the tools to make a relationship work aren’t really intrinsic. And need to be learned . And I feel like neither me nor DH had somewhere to learn that from.

Our relationship isn’t bad on the surface but we are both conflict avoidant as we have only witnessed terrible conflicts in our childhoods and we have terrible communication and really don’t know how to handle complex matters in relationships..

Absolutely OP. I’m in a very similar boat although DH has come from an emotionally balanced home but this does not stop issues becoming massive between us. My parents had an awful relationship, it has left a lot of deep scars on me and my siblings. Added to that there were abuse issues so problems in all areas really. It’s so hard as I constantly question the relationship and feel very insecure in it. Trust issues arise frequently and it’s not until things have calmed down that I can sometimes see the damage that my over reaction has done to us. We have recently completed an online marriage counselling Course called The Marriage Course by Nicky and Sila Lee. It’s certainly helped in areas, especially with conflict, but there are still issues that I/we need to work on. I do recommend it though, it gives a good structure to a relationship which might be helpful to you. I’m now considering EMDR therapy as my anxiety is on some days very high and I can’t understand why other than the fact that I’ve felt unsafe all my life and feel the same in this relationship despite the fact my DH is a good and kind man. I will watch this thread with interest and hope some other posters come along with some gems for us both 💐

I can relate. I always try to do the right thing in my life and please everyone and have ended up feeling like I was about to have a nervous breakdown with lockdown and working all the hours etc.

I got angry and blamed everyone else at how I was feeling...I was rash, lashed out, have been a stressy nightmare and it culminated in me saying terrible things about someone at work who has been an absolute star to me and I think he might have heard me bad mouthing him which I feel awful about. I’ll never be able to put that right.

I’ve been having some therapy that’s helping. I have an inability to put up boundaries and take care of myself. I always want to be liked and am terrified people will see through me and what’s underneath...

I self sabotage and have eating problems...have either eaten too little or too much. I have always had relationship problems...any time men were kind to me I ended up treating them badly and burnt my bridges with all my ex boyfriends....

I can’t trust people and have very few friends because of it...

I made my husband jump through ridiculous hoops when we were dating and tried to end things multiple times before some how seeing the light...I’ve put everyone who liked me to the test...

I probably come across nice and normal to strangers but underneath I’m a horrible broken person that barely anyone really knows...

I don’t think my childhood was great...the typical narcissist father who always put work and himself first. When he was home he was he was angry, abusive and awful. He cheated on my mum, shouted at me and hit us hard when we hadn’t really done much e.g. if i broke something by accident I’d get hit really hard and sent to my room. I was told many times that I was unloved and unwanted and the cause of his problems and the reason my parents argued.

He would ruin all of our holidays and christmases with his behaviour. I still get sad when Xmas comes around and try extra hard to make it special for my family. It makes me sick thinking how he behaved now I’m a mother.

Nobody other than therapist would know this about me except my oh and maybe one close friend because they always still make out that everything’s perfect and I’m ashamed to tell anyone so I go along with it.

I’m ashamed of myself for who I am and because of it I have no confidence or self esteem and find conflict and relationships really hard. Sometimes I think I’d be better off on my own but I love my family and wouldn’t be without them.

I watched a movie called “Fences” about a man who became troubled due to toxic upbringing.. and he took it out on his future family.. and the reality of this cycle of toxicity manifesting in different ways

Gosh I thought I’d feel better after watching but I actually feel like my fears are confirmed ...

Ahhhh what’s the solution bloody hell

Thank you ComeAlive, I signed up to the course you mentioned it seems rather helpful.

Sometimes I think I’d be better off on my own but I love my family and wouldn’t be without them.

Squiggles that struck deep. Thanks for opening up about your feelings. I’m sure your shame is coming from that voice in your head inherited by the abhsive parent who gave labels - just like me. and I’m sure their opinion is no reflection of u but of their issues - just like I tell myself.

It’s funny because I’ve grown up thinking there is a higher purpose for the hardship I’m going through .. perhaps to make a difference to this world whixh lead my parents to not be the best versions of themselves

But turns out my purpose is simply to not let my kids be the collateral damage of that toxic cycle.