Failure to launch syndrome

[Kinsters]

Anyone got any ideas that could help?

My brother is 26 and has never had a job. He graduated university after repeating final year and since then has just lived at home (I think it must have been four or five years now). He has no job and does very little - gets up mid afternoon, watches daytime TV, goes to the gym, goes on his computer, repeat...to me it's classic "failure to launch".

My parents do nothing to help him get out of this rut. They kind of enable it really by giving him an allowance (enough to go long haul holidays and music festivals!).

I'm not close to my brother but I do feel bad for him that he's eventually going to come to a point where our parents aren't around and then what? Has anyone had relatives who've done this and then just snapped out of it?

Could you or someone help him with his CV and job applications?

I thought this was about your dh having bedroom difficulties!!

Sakurami my sister used to send him job ideas but he never replied so she stopped. My parents say he won't talk about it. Idk, tbh I'm a bit afraid of him at times! He could be violent as a teenager.

Backtoschoolnotsoonenough 😂😂 no issues there except the baby who sleeps in the middle of the bed.

@Kinsters are you me??

My brother is 28 and never had a proper job. Recently moved in with my dad where he gets all his washing done and 3 square meals a day. He wasn't even kind enough to spend the day with my dad on his birthday (I'm 300 miles away so couldn't salvage that one!)

Covid had been a very helpful excuse for his lack of job or house hunting.

TBH unless your parents are prepared to cut him off financially, then he has no incentive to do anything other than what he is doing now. Would they be prepared to be firm with him? Has anyone ever asked him what his plan is if/when your parents pass away?

I'm not close to my brother but I do feel bad for him that he's eventually going to come to a point where our parents aren't around and then what?

Your parents will leave him the house and most of their money, because he's the one that "needs it most - you and your siblings are set up and are all ok".

I've seen this happen a couple of times now.

If he's got a history of violence, could your parents be a bit afraid of him as much as over-indulgent?

I don't see there's anything you can do - I expect he'll find a woman and move in with her and then he'll be her problem.

What CultofWax wrote.

Concentrate your efforts on your own self and family. It is not wanted and nor would be appreciated by your brother. Your parents have created this particular dynamic and he will have to also deal with their deaths when the time comes.

There's nothing you can do. If neither he nor your parents have any oomph to motivate him, he'll just do this forever, and it's not your problem or responsibility. If it were my son I'd be itching to help him sort his life out.. so I understand your frustration. I reckon the most you could do is take him for a pint and ask, does he not want more from life? Would he like some help in getting his life off the ground? If he does, you could give him some self-help stuff to get him motivated. But if not, just make it plain that he might end up being their carer later in life if he never moves on.

My nephew (and my sister and brother in law) has struggled with this during his 20s.
Staying up half the night watching tv.
Sleeping until early afternoon.
Went to four different universities; finally got a degree at the age of 24.
Has only worked for brief periods of time (a few weeks) painting houses, mowing lawns, call center. He's not using his university degree and my sister has given up hope that he'll get a job in his field of study.
Alcohol problem; depression/anxiety.

He is now 28 (29th birthday coming up soon). He's starting to make changes over the last 8/9 months. Goes to bed earlier, gets up around 8:00 in the morning, takes a shower, gets dressed. Has taken up exercise, reduced his portion sizes and has lost 25 pounds. Resumed a hobby that he had dropped a long time ago. Is taking Antabuse medication (makes it impossible to drink alcohol). Takes medication for anxiety/ depression. Started working part time for Uber. He's feeling better, has more confidence, seems to be enjoying life a bit.

What turned it around? His parents finally started practicing some tough love. They had spent a huge amount of time over the past 6/7 years reading and talking to counselors about alcohol addiction, depression, anxiety, failure to launch. Counselors were telling them that they were playing the role of enabler. It's been a long process but, gradually, they have stopped enabling him. They've had many conversations with him, setting new ground rules, expectations, goals. They've stayed strong and he has realised that he has to make changes, so he has. They have regular discussions with him about setting new goals for the near future and talking about how he's doing, how he's feeling. He was never going to grow and take responsibility until his parents stopped playing the role of enabler.

I think another issue is his awareness that the decade of his 20s is nearly over and soon he'll be 30. I'm sure he wants his 30s to be a much more successful, fulfilling, happy decade than his 20s were.

Do you visit? If it was to be mornings and regularly, would that at least get him out of bed at a reasonable time once a week or even once a fortnight?

Although it's perfectly natural to care for him, you are his sister, NOT his parent. It's THEIR job. Women all too often get wrapped up in caring, particularly for the men in their lives, when the hard, but right thing to do is step back and maintain distance. Do not take responsibility for your brother, otherwise you will be doing it for the rest of your life. When your parents die, do you want to be the number 1 choice to look after this previously violent man baby?

Has he ever had a girlfriend? Where's his pride? Does he not want to being a woman back to his place rather than his parents'?

With all that time he could have started his own business, even if it just gave him pocket money. God, what some people wouldn't give to have all that free time to do that! And their bills paid for! It's an absolute luxury.

I can't visit as I'm too far away. I also don't think he'd get up to see me even if I could!

category12 I'd not considered my parents could be a bit afraid. Maybe they are.

Interesting reading about others in the same situation. Covid has definitely been a great excuse for him!

My parents do nothing to help him get out of this rut. They kind of enable it really by giving him an allowance...

"Kind of" enable it all? That's the understatement of the century.

Personally, I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut. I would tell be telling your brother how shameful it is that he takes complete advantage of your parent's and he needs to grow the fuck up. He probably won't listen to a word of it, but I would have to say something.

I agree with PP’s, it’s not your job to sort him out, although I you could try Monkey’s suggestion and take him out for a drink, offer some help- but he may refuse to discuss it and you’ll have to leave it at that.

The one thing I personally think you can do is look out for your parents‘ welfare. I’m assuming they’re relatively young (50’s/60’s) so probably fine atm, but as they age, you may need to look out for them if your DB is taking advantage, e.g., expecting them to cook/clean for him when they’re not really physically able to IYSWIM. My SIL has had my FIL up on a ladder cleaning out her gutters even though he suffers from dizzy spells ( he’s nearly 80).😡. DH needed to say something as she seems oblivious and keeps asking her Dad to do chores for her.

there could be deeper issues e.g. anxiety, depression, pornography or other addiction etc.

He has friends, goes to the gym, personal hygiene is fine. He just won't get a job! I don't think he's ever had a girlfriend/boyfriend. Not that I've known about anyway. Never cooks, never cleans. Just leeches. He really is a man child 😩

Your parents have let him do that, this is on them. Theirs is a dysfunctional codependent relationship and one you have no involvement in.