Last December, after a year long relationship I fell pregnant. When we found out my ex dp when crazy, physically abused me, threw me down stairs, totally changed as a person. I left immediately, I was bleeding and booked a termination. When I got to the appointment they couldn’t confirm if I was miscarrying as it was too early but still said I could take the mediation if I wanted. I took the first pill, regretted it almost immediately, but found I had passed the pregnancy anyway a few hours later and didn’t need further medication. The whole thing was the most horrible thing I’ve experienced and I nearly took my life on a few occasions. During this time I told my family what was happening. I now wish I hadn’t as I don’t usually talk to them about personal things but I was at rock bottom and not thinking. They were supportive in their own way. But...
I have recently suspected that my sister told her three closest friends about what happened. They are due to be bridesmaids with me next year at her wedding. I can’t believe she would do this. It was so personal to me. One of the bridesmaids has loosely linked childhood friends to mine and so I now wonder if people know about all of this and I am not coping with it. I’ve raised it with her and she remains adamant that this one girl who is loosely in touch with some of my wider friends doesn’t know a thing. But then she won’t tell me if she’s told her other two friends about it. I don’t know them and have never met them. I feel like her inability to be straight with me probably means she has told them and then there’s a chance it could get back to the third girl (if she’s telling me the truth and the third girl hasn’t also been told). She gives one word answers if I ask her and probe her to tell me what she’s told and to who. Last time we spoke a month ago she hung up on me.
I just feel so upset by this and it is something I want to forget. I am supposed to be moving home soon close to those I grew up with and so the whole thing feels even scarier now as I wonder who knows what about what happened to me and it was something I just wanted to forget.
I don’t know how to deal with this and feel angry and upset and... well I don’t know what I am asking really. What can I do to make this feel less stressful and just seem easier? I have become paranoid that everyone is talking behind my back and that everyone I used to know now has a changed view of me after being involved with someone so awful and for what happened with the pregnancy.