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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can I ever trust him again?

8 replies

cowthatoverthemoon · 02/09/2020 09:50

We've only been together for 18 months, we live together and I'm 8 months pregnant.

He is loving, caring, supportive and would do anything for me and when we first met i really thought i had met someone different who i could trust. He broke my trust on two occasions early on in the relationship, once involving meeting up with an ex and another involving taking another women's number on a night out and calling her on his way home to me and the next day, because I found out I will never know how far this would have gone. I let things slide the first time as we had only just started dating although I felt he wasn't what he betrayed himself to be but the second occasion I ended the relationship as I knew I would never trust him again and wanted more from a relationship and for me once trust is gone i can't trust that person again. I then found out i was pregnant! I wanted to keep the baby regardless but he begged and pleaded for another chance said he had made the biggest mistake of his life etc etc etc so i decided to give the relationship another try and he moved in not long after.

Everything on the surface is going well, I've had a difficult pregnancy and he's been beyond supportive taken over all the household chores, paying most of the bills, (as I had to take a step back from work and I'm self employed) always makes me feel loved and cared for and is excited for the baby to arrive. The problem is whenever he goes out, which isn't often, maybe once a month if that I have this intense feeling of mistrust and its leaving me feeling insecure and stupid for ever forgiving him! I feel given the opportunity he would do wrong again and he never really did anything to gain back my trust and now its just swept under the carpet. I've never met any of his friends he goes out with on nights out and although I've met his family I've never actually met any of his close friends he works with which I find very strange! I not a big drinker so I always put it down to that but now i'm not so sure. He also will never suggest that we go out in the area he goes to on nights out when meeting friends. Our relationship isn't a secret, all of his friends know hes in a relationship and our pictures are all over his social media. When I've brought this up to him he always says "you're welcome to meet them anytime" but how is that possible when i never invited to meet them so I feel hes trying to hide something from me.

He was out last weekend and a picture of his ex (who he met up with when we was first dating) with a girl i used to work with popped up on my social media (I didn't even know they were friends) and they were out in the same area he was out in and it really triggered me. It caused a huge argument when he got home and I was just left feeling like a crazy, insecure pregnant woman which isn't me at all. Something still doesn't fit right when hes out and the fact I've never been invited or met these friends and I cant stand feeling like this every time he's out and it will eventually end if I cant trust him because I refuse to put myself through this for years and destroy my self esteem.

I feel stupid for taking him back but I only did because I was pregnant and I wanted to try and make things work but if it wasn't for the baby I wouldn't have forgiven him.

Can i ever trust him again? Or should I?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 02/09/2020 09:59

I don't think that insecurity is going to go, I think something is "off" too that you have never met this group of mates...

SheeshazAZ09 · 02/09/2020 10:03

Ask him straight out that you want to meet this group of mates at the next opportunity and see what he says. You don’t have to sign up for a boozy evening—just say you wanted to meet them for 10 mins as they are an important part of DP’s life and then go about your own business.

user18534687433234 · 02/09/2020 10:08

I wouldn't trust him.

PicsInRed · 02/09/2020 10:09

You don't need "proof" to dump him.

Your unhappiness is enough.

ivfbeenbusy · 02/09/2020 10:11

His "indiscretions" were right at the start of your relationship so I'd be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt - the problem is that you haven't been together that long so "right at the start of your relationship" was only last year?!

You need to get over your insecurities otherwise you'll just push him away anyway - he only goes out once a month?

Whenonedoorcloses · 02/09/2020 10:15

Not trustworthy no. When a person shows you who they are you need to believe them. He is showing you what he thinks he can get away with, you are objecting, he then comes up with a reason, which you either buy or object, either way you will never believe him because of inconsistency from him, both in actions and words. This in time will wear you down and ruin your inner well being. All because you wanted to be with him, believing what he said while ignoring your gut, and ignoring his actions.

cowthatoverthemoon · 02/09/2020 19:03

That’s the thing I don’t want to push him away if he isn’t doing anything wrong but at the same time I feel justified to feel this way after what he did. We both have hobbies and other interests he just only goes out drinking once a month.

The relationship moved way faster than it should have because I fell pregnant, I would have never moved in with someone that quickly otherwise. Other than what happened we have a great relationship but I just have no idea how to trust him again and I feel like part of won’t let myself just in case he does it again to protect myself.

OP posts:
SapatSea · 02/09/2020 21:07

Next time say you think you'll pop along with him for an hour or so as you would really like to meet his friends. Do it before the baby comes and you might not have sitters.
Do you feel he hasn't fully commited to you as he is keeping this part of his life seperate? Are there logistical reasons why you've not met his mates such as travel issues or shift clashes?

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