To split or not when you have kids

[Wherestherumgone]

My husband and I have been together for 13years, married for 4 and have two young children, an almost 3year old and a 1year old but I think I'm done.

We've been together almost half my life and I don't know where I'd be without him but I can't take this anymore. I don't want to break up my marriage and "share" my kids but I'm not sure I can keep going like this.

Looking back I thought he would change but he hasn't. I think that was my first mistake- hoping he would change.

He has always been lazy even at the beginning but he was my first true love and relationship and we've known each other since we were kids so it felt "meant to be" and I ignored it. Back then for example we would organise to spend time together but when that time came he just wouldnt get up, wouldn't get out of bed. We of course would argue, fall out and then make up. Eventually he got help and was diagnosed with depression. He says that's no longer an issue.

We got married 4years ago and aside from the honeymoon it's not been great (not all his fault though). We fell pregnant straight away and i was ill the whole time, in and out of hospital constantly. When the eldest was born she had issues, we were kept in then I got sepsis and finally got out. She then needed treatment for other issues and was in and out of hospital for her first year. He never stepped up. Barely came to any appointments which were weekly at one point (when he had days off work), I breastfed so he never fed her, barely changed her, didn't do much. He finally started getting better, I had a health scare and once that settled we decided to have another baby. I was much more ill this time and couldn't look after myself or the baby and had to rely on my mum. I spent more time at hospital than at home. At 16weeks my dad died very suddenly - I managed to hold it together. I was still working when I could too. Baby was born and admittedly he was better this time than the first but I just can't get over his laziness and attitude. He frequently goes out drinking with his friends and stays out until 6am then sleeps the whole day long in bed (I'm not worried about infidelity I know he's at a friends house). When he has days off he won't get up until at least lunchtime. It's pointless ever planning anything.

When I went back to work after maternity leave I was working from home and now I'm in the office a few days a week. I work full time as does he.

He rarely wants to spend time with us, everything is a fight. On the days he has the kids and I'm working if I'm at home I'll start at 6am and work to 4pm. I'll be there for the kids between 6am until 9am when I then ask him to get up with them and it's a moan. Today he has just told me that he "wont be getting up with them and to ask my mum to come down earlier as he's tired." He doesn't start work until 1pm. He was home at 9pm last night. I believe he has said this because I refused to sleep with him this morning.

He never makes dinner. If I'm working and he's home with the kids he'll wait for me to be home after 6pm for me to then start the dinner for everyone, tidy up, bath (if needed) whilst he does nothing and then he'll put the eldest to bed. Once in a blue moon he'll make dinner. The only consistent thing he does it put the eldest to bed but even at that he works shifts so most weeks that's maybe 3 -4times. He doesn't even get them dressed in the morning.

I feel the mental load is too much. Everything is on me and I'm done. He had a weekend off just passed and we seen him for a few hours the whole weekend. Granted I had a once in a blue moon meet with friends on the friday night but I was still expected to get up with the children in the morning - he never does. He then went out at 3pm in the afternoon and never came home until 6am and spent the whole day in bed. Whereas I was up first thing and a way to the shops and took the kids out as I knew he wouldn't get up. He got up at 10am monday, watched the kids for 2hrs before leaving 1.5hrs early for work to go get the car. The car was right next to his work which is 10mins away from the house. At this point I had been working since 6am, had watched the kids since they got up and gave them breakfast etc.

Any time we talk about it he says he's happy. He said our sex life could improve which I do wholeheartedly agree with but in all honesty it just feels like another chore for me right now. I work full time, look after a house and children, still breastfeed throughout the night and get up with the kids when needed, get up every single morning with them and have little to no support from him. I'm too tired and at the end of day I'm just not feeling it. I take them out if he has been working late so that he can get a lie in. He has never done this for me. On average I'd say we still have sex about twice a week - not great I know. He basically says once the sex improves he'll help out more. It's a vicious circle.

When I'm working from home he rarely takes the kids out either. He leaves them to wander into my room, frequently brings the baby as "she's tired" or "can you watch them until I have a shower". He's more than competent he's just lazy. If he ever does take them out he takes them to his parents so he can sit and do nothing and they'll watch them. I know he works full time too but he does nothing else.
In the evenings he sits on his playstation playing with his friends until the small hours. We don't watch tv or if we do he sits on his phone. We barely talk.

I've had all the usual conversations with him but nothing changes. I've left for a few days before and then we've "fixed" things for a few weeks and then it goes back to normal. At the start of the year we agreed to try again this year but if things didn't change that would be it. I've suggested marriage counselling but he's not interested. I want to save my marriage but I don't know how anymore.

The only reason I've stayed is for my kids I dont want them having two homes and selfishly I dont want to "share" them with someone who takes so little to do with them but I know he would want (and deserves) 50/50. I would never stop him from seeing them. But I just don't know how to not see them everyday and only be a part of their lives and share christmas and birthdays etc. That is literally breaking me and the biggest reason I've stayed this long.
It also annoys me that if we do split, he'll be forced to look after them when he has got them so he'll finally see what I've had to do this whole time and I know it'll change his behaviour and in turn when he meets someone new he'll do all the things I would like him to do now that would help to save our marriage. I do love him but i just cant take this anymore. He's adamant that he doesnt want to break up but refuses to show me and contrary to his actions.

The other day he came home from work at dinner time. He got in before me but I found him lying on the couch playing with his phone ignoring the kids. I asked him to stick the dinner on and I would tidy up. I went upstairs to put a washing away and came down to him sleeping on the couch. I put dinner on and the kids started arguing. Next minute a plastic toy was launched into the kitchen onto the tiles and shattered everywhere. I turned expecting it to have been the kids but he had thrown it. I confronted him and he tried to blame me and said if I had taken it off them when they were arguing he wouldn't have thrown it!! He also maintains it was a gentle throw over the gate but no way was it plus if he was right there then he could have just put it on the table instead of throwing it and breaking their favourite toy. It annoys me that he tries to blame me for his actions. We've not been speaking since then really, just been civil.

The last 4years have been a lot with ill health, constant doctors and hospital appointments, working full time, 2 kids and the death of my dad. Part of me thinks I need to speak to someone and I have tried but I got told it was "just grief". I dont know what to do anymore. I want to make this work and he said he does too, when we're good we're great but I just dont see how we do it. Right now I'm ready for leaving but I dont know how to or where I would go. We own our house, he would never leave and my mums house isn't big enough for the kids and I. I'm just so frustrated right now and his actions this morning have pushed me closer to the end.

Answers on a postcard please.

Wow he is a lazy useless father and partner. The two things that jumped out at me was him saying to get your mum down so he could stay in bed wtf and you never see him when he has time off. You are already a single parent.
Could you afford to separate? Is the house in both your names? Mortgage or renting?

We own our house, he would never leave

The divorce courts might have something to say about that.

You could divorce while in situ - and work out selling up, buying each other out, who moves out eventually as you go. Unless there's abuse, I wouldn't leave the house as he'll be able to drag things out.

Yes, it will be bloody uncomfortable in the meantime but it seems the most logical way forward. To separate officially in the same household, you need to sleep separately, and not cook or launder etc for him, and disentangle finances as much as possible.

Your first port of call is really a solicitor.

If you stay (and nothing changes), you will be even more resentful that you are now.

Telling him he is either stepping up or you leave me get him going. But I suspect it wouldn’t last long.
Couple counselling would be an obvious one bar the fact he is automatically blaming you. The toy incident is making me wonder. He clearly threw that toy out of anger. He has hurt your dcs by doing that (it was a toy they loved), he blamed you and was violent in his reaction.... I have to say it’s making me wonder if he is JUST lazy.

And the issue isn’t the fcat the last few years have been hard for various reasons. I would have asked myself the question if he had been there, supporting you (because you are the one who had to face all that, not him). But it wasn’t the case was it?
Stop trying to find excuses for him. He is responsible for all the things you have described. Starting with the fct he cares about no one but himself.

Wherestherumgone

RE your comment:-

"The only reason I've stayed is for my kids I dont want them having two homes and selfishly I dont want to "share" them with someone who takes so little to do with them but I know he would want (and deserves) 50/50".

That in itself is not any sort of a reason to stay with him. And whose sake are you really staying for currently; theirs or more likely your own because that is somehow "easier" for you?. Not infrequently, people are simply afraid to move on with their lives and take their own responsibility for happiness. Financial concerns or the fear of being alone often motivate such paralysis, hidden beneath the mask of staying together for the children.

Better to be apart and potentially happier than to be together in this misery. Divorce is not failure; living in such unhappiness is.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?
What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?. What you are teaching them is that a utterly awful and otherwise perhaps a loveless marriage is their norm too.

Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. What we model for them is very much what we might expect for them in their future relationships. They see your reactions to him both spoken and unspoken to their dad and they are seeing this as their "normal". It should not be or further become their norm.

Your mistake here initially was to presume that he would change; such men like described never change. He blames you for his actions (such men never apologize nor accept any responsibility for their actions) and is inherently lazy to boot. Do you really think that such a man would be at all bothered about at all seeing his children post separation let alone having them fifty percent of the time (and BTW 50% is a starting point and not set in stone). He won't want them 50% of the time although he may well demand otherwise; he could well use the children to further get back at you. Custody arrangements re them should be formalised rather than any informal arrangement.

You cannot make what is a failed relationship here work on your own; he has to want to be interested in making this work and he does not. He tells you that he is happy as he is and does not want to break up; he would say that because you're completely carrying him whilst looking after your children and doing all the housework. In you he has his very own personal slave and skivvy. Would you want your children as adults to be in such a relationship; no you would not and its not good enough for you either.

Blaming you for his actions is also a tactic that abusive men use against their victims.

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? Nothing as far as I can tell. How you can bear to have sex with this arsehole is beyond me. He says when the sex improves he’ll ‘help out’ more? For a start its not ‘helping‘, it’s pulling his weight and to imply you somehow how to repay him for his ‘help’ with sex is revolting

Don’t stay with him ‘for the kids’ all that is going to achieve is teaching your children that his behaviour is acceptable and it isn’t, it really isn’t

You are already a single parent. I am of the camp try and make it work but this is awful a 9pm finish from work doesnt warrant a lie in. Stop doing stuff for him in the meantime.

I left my husband of 12 years and the father of my two children at the beginning of the year and I have genuinely never been happier. My boys miss their dad and that's really difficult to deal with at times but they are much more settled and content because I'm happier and the home is less hostile. Everyone deserves to be happy and respected. No one can make this decision for you and it is the scariest thing you'll ever do but in six months time you'll thank god that you did. Big Hugs!

Id say its highly unlikely he'd want 50/50 from what you've said. If he works shifts that would be complicated for childcare and it doesn't sound at all like he'd take on 50% of all parenting so don't hold back on that score. Single parenting really isn't as terrifying as it might seem. I was left by ex out of the blue for OW and the first year he would threaten me with not having the kids for his EOW contact because he knew how much I needed the time "off" but it stopped working once I realised I could do everything just fine with a bit of planning and routine in place. You say nothing about your relationship with him, other than lack of sex. No shared interests, humour, affection or care, so why stay? Divorce is messy and inconvenient and expensive unless both people want to make it easy but don;t be put off the end goal by the process.

You've grown up and taken on the responsibilities while he is still immature and a waste of space as a husband and father. You have no choice but to divorce I think. It's not going to be easy, but the frustration you are experiencing isn't worth it.

It's so sad we, as women, only learn what we really want and expect from men when we are already tied to the wrong one.

Of course he is happy, he is not really contributing anything. If you were my friend I would be telling you to your face you deserve better.

I would book in to see a solicitor just to give you a good idea of where you stand legally re the house and finances etc.

At the start of the year we agreed to try again this year but if things didn't change that would be it.

So why are you hesitating? He hasn't changed, he will never change. You are practically a single parent anyway, why have the responsibility of another person? Him saying he will help more if you have more sex sounds like a 15 year old boy saying I'll pay for your cinema ticket if you have more sex.

This isn't a good marriage. So what if your children have 2 homes? I have divorced friends and the biggest issue for them for leaving was Christmas without the children. What they did is on the year they are with their Dad, they just have their own Christmas Day on another day. You make it special just on another day. It is worth it for the Christmases you do spend with your children.

This is an extreme case of wilful disrespect for you and your family. I hope you find the strength to leave. You have so much to gain.

I'd see a solicitor and seek to divorce. He will never change because he's a sexist, lazy pig.

He basically says once the sex improves he'll help out more. It's a vicious circle.

Who would want to have sex with a person like this? Nah.

50/50 my arse! He'll never step up.

He doesn't see anything wrong, he never will.

YOu only get one chance to be happy.

Thank you. I know you're right and I have to leave. I am a single parent in a lot of ways and I have told him this many times. Nothing changes.

He would most definitely fight for 50/50 - not necessarily because he wants it but because he doesnt want to look bad by not doing it. I also fully believe his family would encourage 50/50 and make sure that he had them on the days he's due them even if that meant his parents taking them. Again I find it hard enough to want 50/50 with him but to know he would outsource to his parents if he couldnt be arsed one week (most likely every week) would kill me. Yes they are their grandparents and should see them but not raise them (his parents are very controlling and want oversight of everything in our children's lives eg report cards from nursery etc) we obviously said no but that's been a bone of contention and the sort of people they are.

I just feel that I went through hell on earth to bring my babies here, practically raised them myself so that it's a slap in the face for him to fight for custody. I know he's their dad and should be involved in their lives but he doesnt bother now so why should he if we're no longer together.

I've left and come to my mums so I can get work done. He should be getting up for work soon as he starts at 1pm so I'll wonder if he'll call. I contemplated staying here but I'm in the office early tomorrow and he has a day off so I'll return home tonight so we can all have our own beds and he has to watch them tomorrow when I'm in the office.

Do you think his depression, lack of drive is due to his parents being controlling and over bearing when growing up?

I know ots probs too late now but just thought I'd throw it out there.

I and my ex have split very amicably. It was really important to us that the kids were unaffected by it and we have worked really hard to ensure that happens.

I was like you but I read a book called ‘too bad to stay too good to leave’ and I knew after I finished it that I just wanted to be myself and happy again. We were both making each other miserable.

Ex was and still is very reasonable about money and I think this has been the crux of us not tearing each other to pieces. If he had been a twat it would have been a whole different experience.

We’re both much happier, share them kids, and actually get on much better. But by god do I enjoy not having him in the house and I get much more free time to myself than I ever did. I’m starting to find myself again.

I told my ex is was moving out with the kids.....i got the 'you'll never cope without me, i'm going for custody' .....he never seen them for 2 year after we split. The day i left and walked into my own place with the kids is one of the happiest days of my life.

@RainbowFlowers I honestly dont know. In some ways his childhood was very sheltered - not allowed to make cakes etc because of the mess 😬 but he's not too bad in that respect but his idea of watching the children is him lying playing on his phone and them watching tv. He doesnt really interact with them or take them for a day out unless I'm there too. I could count on one hand the amount of times he has ever taken them out without me and not to someone else to watch them.

Nothing to do with his childhood though.
He is just a crap parent who can’t be arsed.

He has actually just had the cheek to text me and say "thanks for today". Like me taking the kids to my mums was a favour to him that I did out of the kindness of my heart. Is.he.for.real 🤦‍♀️