No real contact between dates

[Settleandcalm]

I’ll admit I’m not great at dating. Was with ex DH for many years from young and only a couple of short relationships that were very intense in the past 5 years.

Anyway I met a guy pre lockdown, spoke once or twice a week during lockdown. We’ve been away together, few dates, been out and about since then and I think we are “seeing” one another whatever the hell that means!

But he doesn’t message, he hates it, just doesn’t do it, prefers phone calls. But when he’s working he’s too tired for the calls really so while he always answers, it’s a bit pointless. So as we only see each other every couple of weeks there is very little contact in between. Because we don’t message (his request he will not reply Or even read them if I do), I don’t hear from him from one day to the next.

I’m used to constant, probably too many messages, and actually hear more from people I’ve said I’m not going to date, than from him.

So I guess my question is, if you don’t message, and I’m now stubbornly refusing to call first, how do you stay connected? And how is it ever going to build to anything, or is it just a person I shag every now and then?! Or is this normal and I need to chill my boots?

I’m just going to end up getting distracted by the people who DO want to message me, and not on the man I’m actually seeing if this continues, which I don’t want as we like the same things, get on really well when together, it’s easy and fun.

I’m shit at this dating thing

If he wanted to invest in you he would. I’d stop messaging and calling. See what he does. But if he doesn’t want to put any effort in then move on. Seems pointless

if he's requested that you don't message and discourages you from calling (by being too tired to chat properly), i would be wondering why the meeting every 1-2 weeks works so well for him and consequently could it be because he is married/ in another relationship? Sorry to jump to that possibility but have you ever been to his house or met any of his close friends?

He's not really interested in you, is he? If he was he'd make the effort to communicate with you.

Whatever about his motives (that is all speculation above) this stage of the relationship is all about seeing if you're a fit. If you don't like what he's offering (and I wouldn't either) you don't need an excuse to end it. It doesn't sound like you're getting much out of it.

"I don't like messaging."
"I do like messaging."

Why are his needs entirely trumping yours?

I don’t think he’s married, I’ve dropped him off at home a couple of times though haven’t been in.

It’s offering what I need in terms of time as I’m time poor and not in a rush, but not offering what I need in terms of contact and a connection in between, even a phone call would be nice because yes, otherwise you get the “he’s just not that into you” feeling. I get more messages from men I’m not dating so I’ll end up getting my head turned. I’ll just wait it out a bit then call time of day on it I guess. Bit of a shame but not crying into my cornflakes over someone!

He's really just not that into you.

I am not a big texter, I actually dislike it. But this guy seems weird and controlling. Who is he to tell you not to message? He should at least want to call you if he doesn't text. Dump him and move on

Have you said - "Actually the lack of contact between dates doesn't do it for me, what is the way forward do you think?"

If he's not interested in meeting you halfway with communication, then you might as well bin it there.

I said I found the lack of messages to mean I don’t feel connected. That’s when he said about not liking messages and that they almost annoy him, that texting isn’t a method of communication, phone calls are. In fairness he has never texted since the beginning, when we met he went straight to calls.

And to be fair he does call, but sporadically at most.

I think add to that he doesn’t ask when I’m free which I’ve also picked him up in and he said it’s because he’s trying to respect that I have a busy life and kids so leaves it with me. But he also doesn’t tell me when his days off are and we have a cardinal mismatch at best, a lack of actually caring at most. But then when we are together there are little signs he likes me, a nervousness to be at his best, a caring side.

He shouldn’t change for me, it would be fake. I don’t know.

He's not that into you. You're looking for little signs that he likes you, while ignoring the great big ones that he's not at all bothered. If you have to scurry around making allowances, scraping the barrel for signals he might give a damn, then you're onto a loser already. It should be obvious he likes you and wants to be with you, otherwise what's the bloody point?

Asking for more communication is not asking him to "change" who he is, it's asking for consideration and sticking up for your own needs. Why are you the one who has to "change" by accepting less than you need?

He's just a bloke, he's not that great, he's not fussed, do yourself a huge favour and look for someone who is.

He just isn't into you and he is likely married as well.

If your not official and not everyday contact, I would continue to talk and date others then chances are you will find someone you are better connected to.

I'd be put off by someone who was too tired for a phone call, unless he was seriously ill.