Sex and new relationship. It's OK to wait, isn't it?

[redlipped]

I see and hear a fair few comments about people having sex early on in a relationship to make sure they're compatible sexually. I've heard men say it's a turn off when they have to wait weeks and weeks before having sex with a new partner. In quite anxious about this. Going on a 5th date tomorrow, with a guy I really like. Problem is, I'm not anywhere near ready for sex. I have been through sexual trauma, and whilst I am fine having sex and enjoy it, it's not something I can rush in to. I feel like I need a new partner to know about what happened to me, but then feel like it will be a huge turn off. I hate having to keep it a secret, and it makes sex and relationships a bit difficult. It's the only time it bothers me now. I guess I just haven't had sex since I was with my ex who used to have non consensual sex with me and have no idea whether to tell a fairly new partner this or not. Can anyone advise on how I approach this?

Definitely don’t do anything until you are comfortable! I would stick to dates such as cinema, drinks, meals. Me and my DP didn’t have sex for about 3 months and lots of dates and it was miles better because we knew each other and was comfortable around each other. Don’t listen or get pressured by other people just do what’s right for you.

I always have sex very early to see whether we work together sexually, as otherwise it can be such a waste of time and energy, but that clearly doesn’t work for you for your own very good reasons. Don’t do anything you don’t feel ready for. If that makes him feel shortchanged, he’s not the one for you.

I am very sorry to hear what happened to you OP . Only do what you are comfortable with, that includes whether you want to tell your date or not. If anyone tries to pressure you they are just not the person for you.

Definitely take your time. If he isn't happy with that then you already know he isn't for you so you have your answer.

I took my time with my first bf...I didn't want someone taking my virginity and me feeling used so I was clear I wasn't rushing and he was fine. He was also older than me but when I felt ready we booked a weekend away and it was truly lovely. I feel so lucky to have really enjoyed my first experience so much.

So I'm totally with you...take your time. The only thing you might find is when you are ready you may need to initiate it so he feels confident it's what you want.

I’ve just started seeing someone too. We are taking things v slowly indeed (AND it’s a LDR....)
It’s actually coming from him that the physical side of things is slow and gentle (a first for me....and it’s unbelievably hot!!)
We have been intimate* but he’s made it clear that he wants for us to come to know each other and develop the relationship alongside the physical aspect.
Some men are capable of this it seems..

Enjoy your new guy and take your time OP

• it was beautiful and scorchingly 🔥

Sounds rough OP

I made my DP wait about three months before we had sex. We saw each other regularly (we worked together so spent our lunches together and a lot of evenings). It was a big deal for me and not something I wanted to rush into. He would have definitely had sex earlier, but he didn't pressure me into it.

If you are worried your date has expectations for sex, do you think you could say you aren't ready? I made mine take an STD test (I took one too) which helped delay things. Is this something you could suggest to add some time? You can then decide if you are ready. If not, you might feel more comfortable to talk about your real concerns xx

LDR forced DH and I into waiting. Which was great because we talked a lot. Either way you're risking something. Wasting time on someone incompatible sexually, or personally!

Of course it's fine to wait. A man who won't wait simply isn't compatible with you and better to find out sooner than later. You don't need to tell him about your history till you are ready either - you don't need to give a reason for taking your time.

For religious reasons I won't have sex when dating at all and there are still men interested in me. It just helps weed out the men who aren't right for me.

Telling him you need to take things slow is really important for you to establish good communication and trust with this man which is more important to do early on than see if you're sexually compatible imo.
Dh and I took a few months to have proper sex but we started sleeping in the same bed, kissing etc on like date 2. Our sexual connection built up as our emotional connection developed over time which I personally think was wonderful.
It allowed a bit of anticipation which was sexy as hell while always being at a level we were both comfortable with.
So my advice is just talk to him, if he makes a fuss you know straightaway he's a douche which will save you time too!