My Mother might be at risk of DV, what do I do?

[DeedsUnited]

My parents have been very very unhappily married for more than forty years. They present a good front when with my own little family and my husbands but my Dad has a wicked temper, regularly tells my Mum how much he hates her, swearing etc. I haven't actually seen him hit her and I don't think there's ongoing physical abuse. I have been trying to convince her to leave forever.
Recently she has commented on a few things my Dad has done, nothing huge in the scheme of things with them but outside influences that have made him get even more aggressive. Fall out with colleagues (in his business that he basically sold fourteen years ago but hasn't quite managed to walk away from) , neighbour dispute over party wall and health news that isn't ideal, although not particularly serious). She's makes a few more comments than she usually does about him, his temper being "worse than I can imagine", he won't listen to her (he never has), and being generally wound up. She also keeps dropping heavy hints about coming to stay with us which so far I have deflected as my DP has had heart surgery so we are shielding and I thought it was just because we live in a nice almost seaside place. She visited yesterday again, on her own and I got a distinct impression that things are worse than ever.
I have tried to convince her for years to leave, quite openly, for her own happiness. But now it's got to the point where I'm actually here, a bit shaky, supping a beer and wondering whether she needs to leave for her own safety. I have ABSOLUTELY no idea how that would work, what to say, anything. Please can anyone advise me?

I don't want to leave this unanswered.
Can you have a frank conversation with her or at least point her in the direction of Woman's Aid or similar?
The trouble is you can't make someone leave, they have to realise this themselves, but you can say 'I am always here and I'm ready to help'

She can't come stay with you? You said you were shielding yet she has come to visit.

I think you should - if possible - have her to stay and focus on sorting her out. She is your mum and I assume she would do it for you in a heartbeat.

I know it is hard looking after a Parent but she needs you .

Ask the direct question 'do you fear for your safety' it's difficult for her to avoid answering such a direct question and at the moment she is being too vague. You then also need to decide what you will do if the answer is yes, she does fear for her safety. I understand your situation with your partner but honestly she may need to be with you depending on her answer. 2 women are killed every week by a partner /ex partner and age is no barrier to violence. I cannot imagine thinking my mother was in danger and not acting on it in some way. Please ask her and good luck.

I think the first thing to think about is that it sounds like she is already in a very abusive relationship. Domestic abuse doesn’t have to be physical to be very harmful. The kind of emotional abuse, possible coercive control, you are talking about, could be sufficiently bad - don’t wait until you think there might be physical violence before thinking “it’s definitely got really bad now”.

There’s some useful advice for friends/relatives of someone in your mum’s situation from the charity Refuge here - might be worth you giving their helpline a call too?

Could she stay with you just temporarily while she works out her legal and practical options for leaving soon?

Yes sorry, I should have made clear. She is coming for at least a couple of nights here, when she visited it was for a walk in our local woods. We've put the shielding aside for exactly that reason as her safety is now more important. Its definitely an abusive relationship, he regularly tells her to eff off and shouts at her a lot, belittles her, refuses to help her, pulls sneering faces whenever she talks. I knew it was bad as obviously I grew up with it getting worse and worse and kept hoping she would leave. She won't even speak to the colleagues that he has fallen out with (despite them being quite friendly) because she "doesn't want to go behind his back".
I've had it in the back of my mind for a few years now that they'll be one of those elderly couples you sometimes hear about where one stabs the other to death out of the blue (except it never is out of the blue is it?). But it's like today made everything sort of wake up inside my brain.

Seconding what @Wigeon said. She is already in a very abusive relationship and experiencing psychological and emotional violence. That is incredibly damaging. And it sounds like she wants out so that she has some chance of happiness for the remaining years of her life. If it can be done without harming your partner, I would have her to stay for as long as she needed while she disentangles herself from your father. Alternatively, could she stay in an Air BnB or sth near you?

Just seen your update: don’t wait for physical violence. It’s neither here nor there. Encourage her to leave now. Let the remaining years of her life be happy.

Please let her stay with you as long as she needs 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

Aw, get her away from him, I bet she hasn't left because she can't see how to.
I think she really needs you.

You're in a difficult situation OP. Has she said that she wants to leave?

Has he ever threatened her?

Self esteem tends to be ground to dust when you're with an abuser and the abuser convinces you that it's your fault. It's a gradual erosion and she may not have the confidence to seek help or may think she's worthless and not worth the bother.

In cases like these, there are a couple of avenues: 1. Freedom Programme where she can learn that the abuse is indeed not her fault and that it's not acceptable. 2. Individual counselling where the counsellor can help raise her self esteem and give her a safe space to air her feelings. BACP has counsellors or she can check out Anxiety UK if she is on benefits or a low income.

You can also discuss how she will go about leaving. Survivors are often in a fog where they can't think straight. They are traumatised, in survival mode getting through each day and all their energy is taken up managing the abuser. Escape seems impossible because of housing, money and safety. Abuse escalates when the abuser is losing control and those escaping are most vulnerable when leaving.

Without putting pressure on her, it may help if she has an escape plan. This is two pronged: 1. Working out a safety plan - this is a plan of what she does in an emergency and involves an escape route and grab bag. 2. A long term plan which involves legal advice, financial advice and housing.

A good website is the Citizen's Advice, legal advice can be sought at Rights of Women or FLOWS. She can get financial advice at the Money Advice Service. Practical advice can be found at her local domestic abuse organisation which you can find on your council website or do a search online: 'Domestic Abuse help Bromley' for example.

If she has nowhere to go and no money then she can present at her local council housing department or Homeless Person's Unit (HPU). Check out Shelter for advice on domestic abuse. Other options are to set her up in rented accommodation and help her with the deposit and rent until she gets sorted. As a last resort, she can contact the national helpline and ask about refuge space: 0808 2000 247 or speak to her local services.

Your mum is at least nearly 70 maybe she hasn't the strength anymore to deal with him perhaps wants the remaining years she has left for a bit of peace. Sheilding is over invite her to stay to clear her head and maybe find a place of her own near you.