Can't seem to end this relationship

[ViViVioletta]

Hi all

I really need some help ending a relationship. I'll try to keep it short!

We have been on and off for about a year but very casual to start with. At christmas things got more serious and by the time we went into lockdown we were properly together BUT I still had niggly doubts because he has some serious issues stemming from his terrible childhood.

Lockdown obviously meant we could see each other but we chatted on video a few times a day and we actually became closer over that time.

Since we've been able to see each other again it's become apparent that it won't work. He has messed up ideas about relationships and I just want a simple life. I love him, a lot, but I'm not sure he loves me the same. He says he does but his actions are quite different and mostly I come away from days with i'm feeling fairly rubbish about myself.

I'm not a young girl, I'm in my 40s and I know this isnt right. But my problem is I just cant walk away. I've tried over the last few weeks and he always draws me back in. He uses his sadness and terrible past to make me want to look after him and help him. But nothing changes.

We work fairly closely together so I can't just delete him from my life. If I could block him I feel like it would be easier. Even though the thought of it makes my heart break.

How do I make myself strong enough to leave this?

You work with him?

So do you have to remain as colleagues?

You are allowed to leave the relationship so make sure you give yourself permission to do so.

The issues he has from his childhood are not yours to solve.

Sorry I can't really offer advice but it sounds like you need out .. easier said than done I realise.

It’s easier said than done but I think you’ve just got to stand firm and say you are sorry but it’s not working and it’s over. Block him if you can (I know you work together) and stay blocked. It will get easier with time. Keep yourself occupied with other things.
Maybe make a list of all the reasons why the relationship doesn’t work and look at this every time you feel like you are about to back track.

My recent ex told me about his terrible childhood early on, knowing i am an empathetic person, and my heart would go out to him. It worked a treat, i am a prize mug for falling for it. This one seemed so lovable not just to me but to many people, personally and professionally. Maybe it's an old trick that predators use to hook people in. There is only so much you can blame on your childhood experiences, but this guy didn't just play the terrible childhood card, he milked it. Take the upper hand and end this on your terms, as he is a master manipulator.

Thanks for the replies. Yes we work together so blocking is not an option. I also have to be on a team call with him every morning.

We've spoken about this a few times now and I have been SO firm with him that it's over. He says he'll respect it, then after a couple of days he'll find an excuse to need to speak to someone (me) and that will be me drawn in again.

I know his issues are not mine to solve and I can't help him - trust me I've tried. He's getting counselling now (30 years later) and I think in my head I keep thinking that will make him realise what he's losing by being this way. And some days he is the loveliest guy in the world. But it's not worth putting up with the bad stuff for these glimpses of good.

@carreterra I could have written your post. He is so good at manipulating me but when I call him out on that he acts really hurt like it's never even crossed his mind.

I think the bottom line is I love him. There is a large part of me that desperately wants to be with him. But the rational part of my brain knows it isn't right. I just need the rest of me to catch up.

How do I walk away from someone I love. It's so hard!

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Are you a rescuer or saviour when it comes to relationships?.

Do you love him or are you really confusing this with codependency?.
I would read about codependency and see how much if anything here relates to your own behaviours.

All he is doing here is further manipulating you. You cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship; neither approach works as you have seen. All this does is make you far more attractive to abusers and other manipulative low lifes like this man who has attached himself to you; he has seen a quality within you he can and has indeed exploited.

You need to firm up your boundaries and say you will only have a professional relationship from now on.

If he starts telling you personal things, or reminding you of the relationship, you need to say "I'm afraid I'm no longer the appropriate person for you to talk to about this - we're just colleagues so let's keep this work-related. Perhaps you could speak to [x] about this later" (x being a family member/friend/GP or HR).

I mean, you say you're firm with him, but he's learnt that he he keeps trying and you fold everytime.

So you need to be consistent and do the broken record thing -

• "sorry we're getting off track here, [work topic] requires [action] so I'll go ahead and do that ... [blah blah work topic)]"
• "I'm afraid that's not an appropriate subject, as colleagues, [work topic blah blah]"

and so on. Stop getting sucked back into personal stuff.

Also, turn it round - if he was giving you hope and then telling you it's over repeatedly, we'd tell you how cruel he's being etc - but effectively you're doing that to him. I do believe he's manipulative btw, but actually the on and off and failure to walk away when you've said it's over isn't good for either of you.

I am a bit off a rescuer of people in general. I always like to help people and often take on people's problems to my detriment. I'm not usually like this in relationships, though. It's a strange one.

I was married for years and he was the most 'normal' guy in the world. But when the marriage wasn't working, I was able to speak up and we separated really amicably. I still love him dearly.

I don't know why this guy is different. He's not even my usual type. We just get on so well, when he's in the mood.

But you are all correct, I say I've been firm but I cave every time so I need to be firm and stick to it. So far today I haven't spoken to him at all which is really unusual for us. I feel a kind of emptiness about it. I miss him and yet I know this is what I need to do. Why is it so hard though??

Come on op. You are in your 40s. You should know better now.

Stop seeing this man . This isnt going anywhere. You have been 'on and off' for a year. That would already be reason enough to have ended it a long time ago!

Come on op. Have a professional relationship with him as you need to for work, but stop seeing him as a love interest if you know it isnt going to work out.