I feel like he got my life

[Lostintranslation16]

I'm not sure what I'm trying to achieve in posting this, I've never talked about it in real life and I feel like I need to get it off my chest.

Just over 6 years ago I broke up with my then boyfriend, who I lived with, and who I'd introduced to my circle of friends. We'd been together for a number of years and on the surface he was a nice guy, but he was incredibly draining to be around, never took responsibility for anything, and ultimately I ended things. I was always very conscious of not bad mouthing him to mutual friends (who had been my friends before our relationship), only ever told one person within the group that we socialised with together how bad things had really become at home and always maintained that things had just run their course and we'd decided to go our separate ways. He remained living in the house that I was paying for for 4 months after we'd broken up, and it was only when I gave him an ultimatum that he got himself together and found somewhere else to live. Over the following months I noticed my friends attitudes towards me changed significantly, and I became very isolated from the group, despite them being people who predated my relationship. I later discovered that my ex had fabricated all sorts of nonsense about me and the way I treated him, some of which was incredibly hurtful, and had played the victim and gradually cut off everyone from me. 2 years after we broke up I decided to completely relocate as I lived in a small town and couldn't avoid him/the rumours/my old group of friends or ignore the situation any longer and felt like my only option was to get out and start again.

Fast forward to the present, and I'm very happily married, have started a new career, and have built a new life for myself but I can't shake the feeling that I left my home, and a house and area that I loved because of his actions. I remain in contact with one of the group of friends, someone who I considered my closest friend for the best part of a decade, however the relationship is strained and I don't think it will ever go back to the way things were. I am aware that my ex and his new gf do all the things I used to do with my friends, and I can't get past the hurt that this causes.

Thank you for reading, I'm hoping just writing this down and acknowledging the problem will start to help.

Sorry you feel like this. Those people were not your friends if they acted on his words.

If you continue to think he has the better life he will have won. Just think about all the good things you have. Happy marriage to a good guy (hopefully, not a shit), good job etc etc

I can totally see why you feel anger about this but I would try and re-frame it in your mind. From what you've wrote it seems that if he didn't give you the push to leave your home town you wouldn't have met your now DH and maybe wouldn't have had the same career. It seems like he felt very bitter about the breakup whilst you dealt with it much better. I would feel bad for him that he's still stuck in the same life whilst you've got out there and carved out a great life for yourself.

Wow
Im not surprised it hurts that they just bought his version hook line and sinker when they knew you.
That is a lack of backbone or judgement, and a lack of loyalty.

It can be very disappointing bystanders let you down. I was bullied out of a group i had every right to be in (extended family) and i was devadtsted but then i thought, wow, not one of the bystanders intervened to make sure i wasnt excluded.

I wanted to be part of a group but the group wasnt made up of strong relationships.

Oh OP, I have been here, people who don't give you the opportunity to answer criticisms they choose to judge you by, are not friends.

He was toxic, but so were they. I would cut them off. They aren't good enough for you. If they had truly known and valued you they would have come to you.

I'm sorry that you had so much rejection all at once, but it defines them far more than it does you.

So glad you are free.

Whilst I totally understand your feelings of hurt over this, in many ways it's a pretty good outcome. Many people get stuck in a rut and wish they could have experienced different lifestyles, and you've actually achieved that. To create a new life for yourself is pretty amazing! Imagine if you were still in that small town and hadn't had the courage to move on with him? If he's told lies they will eventually catch up with him.

I wouldn't worry about the past, it's gone. Focus on the here and now.

Other people have given great advice and a different perspective. So all I’ll add is that your feelings are valid and I hear you. You’ve taken the first step forward today; you’ve shared something you needed help with and I hope for you that you can move forward with your head held high, knowing you are the bigger/better person and your life is the richer for it.

I had a similar thing happen to me. I have no issues with my ex but him and his new GF all live near my group of friends of 20 years ( i have since moved many miles away). They now all hang out together and during lockdown i found out they'd all been on holiday together, and i knew nothing about it.

It sucks but you really did the right thing moving on. Allow yourself to feel hurt (i certainly do) focus on new people and a different life. That's all you can do, and try not to second guess what your old friends are thinking of you or him, you'll never truely know. They might think he's a pain in the arse. The truth will out one day and you'll wonder why you waisted so much time worrying about the situation.

Stay strong x

Fast forward to the present, and I'm very happily married, have started a new career, and have built a new life for myself but I can't shake the feeling that I left my home, and a house and area that I loved because of his actions.

Yes I can see why you are upset about it but think of it another way. If that hadn't happened you wouldn't have moved on, be happily married, have a new career and a new life.
Maybe it was meant to happen like that.
Meanwhile he's stuck in the same place with the same friends going nowhere.

To be fair to your friends, you never told them to truth so you obviously seemed like the 'bad guy' by continuing the falsely maintain he did nothing bad to you, allowing him to get his untrue side of the story in. If they were truly your friends why did you not tell them the truth? If the shoe was on the other foot, you'd expect a friend to be honest with you. They're not children you needed to protect, you didnt have to tell them all the glory details but should have just told them in simple terms how bad things were

*the

*continuing to

*gory

Stupid phone!

I feel for you OP. My ex wife did similar.
I think you've done well to move on. Assume you've not got kids with him?
I was at the primary school today and it's so awkward as I know she's said stuff to the teachers. Its horrible

I don't agree with Lilywater. TRUE friends who predated your relationship would have known your character and they choose to be hoodwinked by your ex which says more about them. You've succeeded they however, have not.