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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husbands odd behaviour.

47 replies

M0mmzee · 31/08/2020 21:53

My husband always stares at our female neighbour. He talks to her husband. They are quite similar and share similar interests. The thing they don’t share is a similar age. My husband is much older (fit and slim looking also considered handsome by many women)and her husband is in his 30’s, not so fit and slim looking, although handsome.
The female neighbour also in her 30’s is much fatter than me and doesn’t bother too much with her appearance, is intelligent and has the same professional job that I had previously before retiring. Hubby always tries to engage her in conversation if she’s in the garden even if it’s obvious that she is very busy. One night he talked to her solidly for over an hour - nothing wrong in friendly neighbourhood chat. However, today he did not notice that I had come out of the house - he was standing looking over at her (she either didn’t see him or was ignoring him) he had this silly grin on his face and was saying to himself out loud, “oh she doesn’t see me!” and then mouthed sort of kissing sounds to try and alert her to his presence! When he realised I was there he said,”Just being neighbourly!” WTF?

OP posts:
Oldbagface · 31/08/2020 22:38

*Very

M0mmzee · 31/08/2020 22:41

@Aquamarine1029
For more than a decade anyway. Not the exact same thing but similar. In the past a lot of women he did it to didn’t see it as leering as such. They were flattered by the attention. V embarrassing for me.

OP posts:
NextOnesaGreyGoose · 31/08/2020 22:44

I've had a family member ( uncle in law) make lewd comments to me, he was 40+ years older and it still makes me feel sick to the stomach. I feel so sorry for you in having to deal with this but equally your neighbour will be feeling very uncomfortable.

If he was my husband I'd be angrily telling him he is disgusting, but I have form for bad decisions and you have your reasons for staying in this relationship. Honestly....I would tell your husband you are going to tell your neighbours he has dementia to explain his behaviour, that might shock him into behaving himself.... But again, I have form for bad decision making when it comes to things like this. So please don't take that as a serious solution.

I'm sorry, it sounds incredibly difficult. I would leave him. I couldn't stay.

Choppedupapple · 31/08/2020 22:46

I work with a guy who is fucking his neighbour, it’s grim. He even sent me a photo of her.

lawandgin · 31/08/2020 22:56

I do not consider myself that young and I definitely do not consider myself attractive. I cannot be in my front garden without my neighbour (about 25 years older than me) suddenly finding he has an urgent job to do in his front garden. It's infuriating. He seems to think because my DH is a good deal older than me, he must be in with a chance!

If the roles were reversed I would be apologising to my neighbour and telling my DH he was disgusting.

AgentOhDoSodOff · 31/08/2020 23:18

[quote M0mmzee]@CultOfWax
Dementia did occur to me. He often says inappropriate things of late, forgets things and spatial awareness is off.[/quote]
Though it sounds like the behaviour has been there a while is it getting worse? Is he aware of any of the issues mentioned above? If he is aware of them it would be worth chatting with the GP to get checked out.

Regularsizedrudy · 31/08/2020 23:52

He sounds like a fucking rapist. Jesus Christ.

SandyY2K · 01/09/2020 00:18

Dementia can develop over time...his behaviour really is off.

goody2shooz · 01/09/2020 00:21

Here’s hoping you leave before HE has dementia and you have to look after HIM!

OldWomanSaysThis · 01/09/2020 01:28

Was he the office perv and now he is the neighborhood perv?

Geppili · 01/09/2020 01:38

Why is the fact that she is much fatter than you relevant? He is a creep.

ThirdTimeUnlucky · 01/09/2020 01:50

Do you really think he would be the best person to look after you IF you got dementia? It would give him free reign to behave much worse! I bet your neighbours are already worried about the situation and have probably put off saying anything for fear of upsetting you. How horribly embarrassing. They have likely decided to ignore it for now and hoping the colder weather will keep him indoors!

PawPawNoodle · 01/09/2020 02:02

@Regularsizedrudy

He sounds like a fucking rapist. Jesus Christ.
Please don't equate lecherous but otherwise non-contact actions to rape. They're not the same thing.

OP - I'm not sure why you've given us an description of your neighbours and your opinion as to their attractiveness as that adds nothing, but glad to know your neighbour is handsome and a bit fat I suppose. Your husband sounds somewhat unwell to me given your update however it could all be that, or it could be that your husband is simply a creepy, sexually aggressive man. Or it could be both. You'll have to have a think about what you want to do going forward.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 01/09/2020 02:06

Do you truly believe this is a man who would care for you if you developed dementia? He would dump you in a care home, buy a sports convertible and a beret and start cruising the bars and beaches and playgrounds. You are better off leaving him and focusing on care insurance.

Wondersense · 01/09/2020 06:29

[quote M0mmzee]@NextOnesaGreyGoose
No, he’s much more than 30 yrs older. 😳[/quote]
Oh dear. So at least in his 60s if not 70s? He's delusional as well as inappropriate. When I used to work with the public, men of this age were the worst to deal with as a young woman. I found their egotistical assumption that I would want to flirt with them and their pomposity to be cringeworthy.

Wondersense · 01/09/2020 06:32

@lawandgin

I do not consider myself that young and I definitely do not consider myself attractive. I cannot be in my front garden without my neighbour (about 25 years older than me) suddenly finding he has an urgent job to do in his front garden. It's infuriating. He seems to think because my DH is a good deal older than me, he must be in with a chance!

If the roles were reversed I would be apologising to my neighbour and telling my DH he was disgusting.

That would really wind me up. Would be so tempted to say 'Isn't it funny that every single time I'm out of my house you come out very shortly after'. No doubt he would act like a bird with an injured wing if you did.
NearlyGranny · 01/09/2020 12:21

Best to say something before the neighbour gets desperate and has the local Bobby pop round for a little word with him.

Deathraystare · 01/09/2020 17:02

I f you catch him again, say in a very loud voice "Don't be creepy, Dh leave the poor woman alone".

lawandgin · 01/09/2020 18:48

@Wondersense it winds me up too! I think his daughter is about my age and I often fantasise about asking him how he would feel if she had a pervy neighbour harassing her... creep.

madcatladyforever · 01/09/2020 18:53

Hed better thank his lucky stars he doesn't live next to me because I'd have the police out. Yuck.

Bluntness100 · 01/09/2020 18:53

Op the way you wrote that saying your husband was fit and slim and hers not so much and that she’s fatter than you indicted you thought she might be interested. Is this man in his seventies or eighties? You know she is not remotely interested in your husband right?

I feel so sorry for her, she’s got the old bloke next door perving on her. And she was trying to just ignore him. And I suspect you’re acting jealous and think she’d go there.

It’s all shades of wrong.

PussGirl · 01/09/2020 21:22

He sounds revolting, tweeting her like you'd call a cat Hmm Confused

Agree he could be dementing, if he's becoming inappropriate in his behaviour.

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