Sometimes I wonder if I am the problem?

[Hotairoverthere]

When I’m reading about toxic behaviours in a relationship (which I believe my ex partner had) sometimes I confuse myself and struggle to work out if I’m the toxic one.

It’s a fresh break up and there’s been so many times he’s done something where I felt like leaving but couldn’t find the strength. Over time I think I started to hate him and therefore justify these behaviours. Let me explain.

A few of the traits that I’ve read about online
1/ put you down
So I would make comments about how he didn’t help around the house, with the kids. Sometimes in anger I’d say he was a crap selfish dad.

But it was true. I feel like his effort was bare minimum. He never took any responsibility of anything. And when he did have responsibility on the kids without me he put in bare minimum effort.

2/ hates confrontation/ silent treatment.

It got to a point where I would just disappear to another room and barely communicate if we had had a disagreement. I would leave especially if we were arguing as it could become heated in front of the kids and I didn’t want that.

On the other hand he would hound me down and come after me continuing the discussion. He would never let me leave the room or if I wanted to leave the house he would hide the keys. Meanwhile the argument would get more and more heated. In front of kids.

Do you think I was toxic and the problem in these circumstances?

I think I hated him over time. He lied on so many occasions, inappropriate behaviour, had all financial control and would dictate what we spent when he felt it was ok then a week later change his mind and wanted to save, commenting on outfits i would wear with a subtle dig (I.e. are you not going to wear tights with that dress).

In other ways he did make me feel loved. He would lavish me with gifts and especially if I wanted to leave he would go all out (I now know this is love bombing possibly)

I’m just so confused sometimes. He would say I was never happy, always demanding more from him and he did start to try but it was never enough. I would ask for help around the house and he would but I don’t know it was always with minimal effort I felt.

He said I made him feel unloved as I would want to end the relationship but then we would work it out and try to stay together. Then if I said I love you he would say “but how can I believe you when you were going to leave me/say all those things”

Your behaviour isn't helping matters. Don't call him names and don't give him the silent treatment, find more productive ways to react. If he's not pulling his weight and he's not making you happy, it's ok to end it.

Contrary to popular MN belief, most relationships have fault on both sides and behaviours on both side whicb could be construed as abusive and toxic. If you're both being unpleasant to each other it means you simply do not fit together and with someone else it could be different.

Thanks. I think that’s true, we were both wrong in different ways.

Maybe he was abusive. Maybe you were also abusive. Does it actually matter? The main thing is that it was a terrible relationship and he brought out the worst in you. Find someone with whom you can be your best self.

I know it doesn’t matter for that relationship but if there is better ways I can act then I’d like to recognise this so I don’t do it in future relationships or in general.

Walking away from someone who constantly wants to argue just for the sake of arguing, is not the silent treatment. It's just walking away. Because you aren't doing it to punish them. You just need space from their hounding.

Abusive people have a tendency to pick pick pick at you until you snap. To not give you headspace or space in general.

Telling someone they are being crap and selfish when they are being crap and selfish...not ideal, but not abusive.

@Hotairoverthere I think you are recognising it, the fact that your applying theory (reading online) and putting thay into reality means your learning too!
Watch this video on the drama triangle as an intro and then maybe explore some more of the issues-

Hope it helps x

Also agree with @Bunnymumy , walking away isn't always the silent treatment, I think it sounds more like self preservation when you don't know what to do in the moment. We all can recognise ways we behave sometimes aren't great, but I don't think it sounds like you're toxic, reacting poorly to bad behaviour yes, but no you don't sound abusive yourself
xxx

It was a toxic relationship and you have recognised that - all you can do is recognise the behaviours of yours that were toxic, think about whether they were reactive (walking to another room to be safe) or proactive (walking away when a discussion did need to be had because you didn't want to hear his opinion - in your case if he was shouting obvs that doesn't apply to you but just an example) and work on improving those behaviours in future relationships.

The most important thing is to leave a toxic relationship as soon as there are red flags either party is exhibiting toxic behaviour - whether in general or in the relationship. Walk away. Don't put yourself or the kids through living in a toxic environment again, they are learning what a relationship looks like in your actions.

Better to be single, healthy and happy than in a bad relationship. And better for the kids too.