Compatibility in new relationship

[Loginn]

I've been seeing someone for some months now. He is very easy to speak to and spend time with and we get on really well. I haven't liked anyone this much in years. We are both parents and have both expressed our desire to have more children. We do some lovely activities together and have an amazing time when I'm with him. He is attentive and caring and we are also very attracted to each other. The only thing is he lives in the countryside and I live in the city. The more I get to know him the more I realise he is a country bumpkin. His perfect house would be a cottage in the middle of nowhere. My perfect house would be in the centre of the city close to everything. If we were to have kids further down the line how would it work? I love the countryside but couldnt live in a house in the middle of nowhere. Likewise, I doubt he'd ever want to live in a city. Also I love city breaks abroad. Again, he visits countries for the nature aspect and stays away from cities. We get along in so many other ways but are these things a deal breaker in the long term? Or do we just find middle ground?

I'm sure you'll find middle ground. I'm in the South West and live in the country, but I'm about half hour from a big city (Exeter). It's easy for us to get in and out of town for communing and drinks etc but at the same time our home is situated out of the way from all the busyness.

Yes they are deal breakers if you both don't feel ye can compromise.

Neither of you are wrong.

I love city life.
I would not like the arsehole of nowhere. End of.

Similarly if someone loves the arsehole of nowhere, the city will be a nightmare.

If ye both feel very strongly, then it's a dead duck.
Good luck

How about a small town within 30 mins of a city? Or a smaller city in a greener area, next to a large park?

Possibly a deal breaker, there could be a middle ground if your both willing to compromise but uprooting your children and all living together may also be a challenge? Something to talk about.

Thanks. I will talk to him. We are not too far from each other now because I'm on the outskirts of the city and he's in the countryside but I guess we need to have that long term talk.

Forgot to ask, how do I go about having a conversation about this and compatibility in general? I feel it's too early to have a conversation about where we would potentially live in the future but at the same time I'd like to know now if there will be any big differences down the line...

You've been together some months and he hasn't talked about a future with you?

I assume your kids have all met? How Do you think they'll all get along?

You could try dropping into conversation how much you like city life and not so keen on the country, see what his reaction would be? As then your're being honest but not forcing a future talk and see if it leads to a conversation about your future. If it fails then I would bring it up, I wouldn't wait too long before seriously discussing it though as you wouldn't want to waste all this relationship building time to want totally different things in life.

Thanks @seensome He talks about general future yes but not definite plans or anything. Our kids have not yet met. I will do that, try to drop it in next time we meet. I find this stage of early relationships a little confusing/stressful at times trying to figure out if we are compatible in different areas or not. Also don't want to put too much pressure on it all but obviously want to figure out if there is a potential future.

If everything is right then you will be able to compromise. A village with a train station under 30 mins from a city for instance can give you the best of both worlds.

We are in a smallish town. 2 mins walk from open fields, 10 mins walk from the beach, pubs and restaurants (a few) here but only 30 mins by bus or car to the city centre nearby.... lots of options if your relationship is right.

I've been seeing someone for some months now

How many months is 'some' here, OP?

From the fact your DC haven't met yet, it sounds far too early to be bringing up long terms plans or where you might live if you moved in together!

Also, the things that someone might feel are non-negotiable for them at the very early stages of a relationship may well be things they're willing to compromise on further down the line (and that might be you, him or both of you), so I wouldn't rule him out because he prefers the countryside!

What about existing work and school commitments for both of your DCs - are these negotiable / shiftable?

What things do you enjoy doing together already if you see yourselves as opposites? Do you alternate city centre / deep countryside day trips or just hang in the suburbs.

It's a tough one and something that really needs to be thought through. Even with the best of intentions, some people, in the early stages of the relationship will say 'maybe' to things they don't really want in order to keep or impress the other person. Therefore, even if you ask him, I still wouldn't take it as a guaranteed 100% yes to live somewhere urban.

You can take a more indirect approach and just ask him where he sees himself living in a year or two time.